Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas vs New Years

Half of the holiday is finished, the Christmas part where we get together as family and friends and wish each other a happy holiday.  And for the most part this year I found myself in utter joy, with my friends and family.  Sure I didn't get the chance to see everyone I would have liked to see, but I did get messages from almost everyone.  I found myself only slightly missing my mom this year, and it was a fond wishing she could have been alive to see the wonderful woman her granddaughter has grown into, and meet her current boyfriend and his family.  And of course there is one other who I missed, who crossed my mind with every toast to missing friends, and loved ones.  And it is this ghost that haunts me the most, as the next half of the season fast approaches.  The New Years Eve part.  Where we get together with that special someone and kiss and hold each other and wish for a good new year together.

I hate this part of the season as much as I hate Valentines day.  And yes I only hate it because I'm bitter that I'm alone.  And it seems like I'm alone every year for this holiday since 1985 or so.  And that's not because I have been single that long.  Its just that even in marriage or relationships, somehow, this holiday always finds me alone.  Either my relationships ended just prior to it, making me in effect single during it, or my husband, at the time worked it .

Not one to wallow in my sadness (I know this blog had some wallowing in it, but take that as me going through my own 'crazy girl brain' - see earlier post titled "Crazy Girl Brain vs Stupid Boy Brain" -for clarification on this highly contagious illness)  anyway I'm not usually a 'wallowing feel sorry for me girl'.  And not to be one around my small children I developed a tradition of watching movies with them while waiting for their dad to come home.  The immediate favorite with my young son at the time, he was six when i started this, was Heavy Metal.  Which made me smile as it was a favorite of ours as teenagers.  He loved it so much that it became a holiday tradition.  To watch Heavy Metal at some point in time on New Years Eve.  Then his little sister was born and as she grew up she watched with us.  As my son got older but not quite old enough to drink his friends wanting something to do, would come to our house to watch it as well.  My daughters friends are not as into spending time with me as my sons were, except for her current boyfriend and his family.  And he has not seen it.  HUM.  I'm sensing that something might need to be done to continue the tradition this year.  Hopefully I can corral them for a couple of hours.  If not, I can always turn on my TV and be reminded of my friends long gone, and lovers not beside me but alive in my heart, and hope they have the same fondness of me.

Don't let this 'romantic' holiday get you down.  Start a new tradition.  Call out to a friend.  But do not be sucked into the feeling that you are alone, ever.  You are not.  If you are reading this, You Are NOT alone.  I'm right there with you.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Ideas Vs Opinions

Friday night I was struck with the real reason why I don't  usually enjoy debating or talking about deep subjects with other people.  And contrary to what you may think if you know me personally it's NOT because I am hard to convince or opinionated.  (I will concede that I am both these things, but I am not immovable.  I have been known to change my mind if you can state your opinion in a way that makes me think of an idea.)

With that being said, the real reason is that most people just opine, over and over and over.  They complain about, their broken hearts (guilty) or the state of affairs, or what the neighbors are doing or not doing, or how their thoughts are 'right' and 'correct' and should be adopted and wonder why the rest of the world is so far behind 'them'.

Which is. . .well . . .okay I guess.  It's a start, I mean.

But the idea that comes after the opinion.  The spark that could change the world view and make the opinion real, there is where we all really should be.  You can't have an idea without an opinion, but you sure can have an opinion without an idea.  Or perhaps even better said:  A person who worries is the person who only sees the problem.  A concerned person is the person who sees the solution.  And this is not the frame of mind or attitude I see most people in.  To state an opinion and then shoot down almost automatically all ideas generated by that opinion is a person that just wants to hear themselves talk.  And we all really know what to do with that person, don't we?

So my grand IDEA is the following:  Let's try not to voice our opinion without the idea to solve it quickly on its heels.  Or at least an honest call for help in welcoming other people's ideas in solving said opinion.

End Transmission.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Christmas wish from me and someone very special

Our family got together this year and decided no presents for Christmas.  Like most of America money is tight and while our family is small we figured trying to see each other was more important then a gift to open.  And at first this made me sad, almost like I was some kind of failure because I couldn't afford to celebrate a holiday I really don't believe in anyway, but have always done so in the past for tradition and as a great excuse to get everyone together.  (see pagan roots of Christmas and winter solstice and that Christ was probably born in the autumn/some say summer, if you don't believe that this is a commercial holiday only now.  In fact most all the things you use to decorate your home with unless they are religious are from pagan roots for the solstice. . . but  I digress)

I'm seriously considering giving my kids something I already own that I know they would love, a white elephant if you will, one of my best friends is accepting something like that from me this year and he actually seems excited about it.  Go figure.   But the best holiday wish I have gotten so far this year was in the form of a letter.  It was from another best friends daughter, who is somewhere between 7 and 8 and while I try not to name names, (JANA) her letter was so beautiful and so honest, as only a young person can be, and it reminded me that what this season and every season is about is LOVE.  And reminding our loved ones, weather near or far, how much we love them and miss them in our lives.  And how they are always with us, in our hearts.

But she said it much better than I ever could.  So to all of you that I love and care about and may not get to see this year or many years from now, or maybe never again:
         "I miss you were ever I go.  I miss you vary much.  I love you too!  (insert name here) I want you to be at my hous rite now!  I miss you vary much and thats ok.  Wen I go noth I feel sad becuse I am going the opisit way.  I want you because you are far away but not in my hart."

See told you she said it best.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. —Wilson Mizner

Most of you probably have a facebook account and most of you have probably seen the post to change your profile picture to a picture of a cartoon to raise awareness for the abuse of children in the hopes that raising awareness will make it stop. The goal to not have a human face profile picture on facebook until after Monday Dec 6th.

Yesterday an old and what I believed to be a tolerant friend of mine from high school, wrote a blog on the christian evils of doing just this. She sited scripture and verse as most holier than thou christians do. The verse she chose was the one about doing charity in a boastful way instead of keeping your good works secret. And she then went on to BLAST and INSULT the intelligence and good natured feelings of everyone who had done this. Saying that we were a bunch of Internet lemmings if we thought that changing a picture would stop child abuse or raise any awareness.  She even blasted the waring of ribbons etc to raise awareness and I actually think that some of those things do.

Do I think that wearing a yellow ribbon will bring the armed forces home sooner?  NO.  Do I believe that changing my picture to a cartoon will stop child abuse.  Of course not..  Do I think that standing up for gay rights will make them happen?  Probably not.  But do I believe that standing up for my opinions might raise awareness.  YOU BET I DO.  All it takes is one person.  Her god taught that.  But apparently she didn't listen to that lesson.  

Well I was appalled. HOW DARE she assume that if a person changed their picture they were only doing it for public acknowledgement! How DARE she assume that people that changed their picture stopped there. . .and didn't or aren't doing good works that only they know about.  HOW DARE she judge us lest she be judged.  HA.  (Preachers you!)

I de-friended her, and one other friend that only posts scripture and I'm insulted.  I'd link the blog here but I don't want it to get any more hits.  I'd even give you her name so you can find her and tell her how wonderful the world is now that she is here to tell us all how god wants us to be.  What have we done without her.  But I don't think her ego needs anymore help.

Keep standing up for what you believe in, tell one other person what you think, and you might change their mind for the better.  Keep up the good work that makes you feel good about yourself and makes you a better person.  And I beg you, don't give god the credit, nor yourself.  Just do the work.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

In Rememberence of

Today My blog will be short, for I am too sad to be upset about anything to blog about. For those of you that do not know, yesterday we had to put to sleep a longtime and loyal family member, our cat Katie. She was with us for 18 years, and had been the constant companion of my daughter since she was 4. Katie was more human than cat, as most cats are. And while we miss her, I can't stop thinking about how cute she was and how lovable to my daughter. She protected her and all of us from anything and everything. It is even more cute to understand that Katie was the runt of the litter and at her largest she was probably never more than 10 pounds. My favorite picture of her is one where she is cuddled in my daughters arms while she is sleeping. Katie was 'sleeping' too, that is until i took the picture. Then she was wide awake, ready to fend off the evil 'flash' (sounds like a DC Comic crossover).

I would post the picture but my daughter who is a very private person would kill me. So I will hope your imaginations will suffice.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Time To Think About What We Are Thankful For. . .

Well, that seems easy doesn't it? Everyone I'm sure is very thankful for their jobs so they can provide a roof over their heads and food and clothes to sustain their bodies from hunger and cold. And while I'm no different, I have been feeling sorry for myself because I'm alone. As in without a partner. ME! The girl who never needed a man to define right?

This July and this September and November I've been reminded about how much I am missed by old friends that I have not made the time for for in years. And I've come to realize that while I am very happy with my friends and family whom have stood by me for either their entire lives, or mine, or many decades as it were; I'm pleasantly surprised by my friends and loved ones that while appeared gone, never really left.

Our hearts it seems are still in the same good places they were when we were at our best together. And the negative feelings of why we stopped seeing each other have either been explained away or don't really matter anymore. And I have to tell you that it has felt very good to make the reconnection with them. It has felt like a missing piece to the puzzle of my life has been found. Whew. . . .I'd been looking for that. Thanks.

So this Thanksgiving I'm going to be thankful for that fact I've forgotten, and pass it along to you just in case you have forgotten it to.

You are never alone. Even if you feel like it. Reach out to the people you care about, even if it's been years. You might be surprised at the love that is still waiting there for you to share. True friendship and love never dies, even if it's hidden under some misunderstanding or circumstances that you can't change, REAL feelings just don't go away.

Remember this, and even it is scary or you are afraid of failure like I was and constantly am. . . follow your heart always.


Sunday, November 14, 2010

Second Chances

Yesterday I had one of the best days of my life, all due to a dream. A dream I had that was a warning, that I believed saved my life. And changed my intellectual attitude about "Life is short and live every day to the fullest" to a REAL EMOTIONAL attitude.

I'll share the dream and then what happened so you can see the similarities:
I was on my way to work, at night, and it was raining. I parked on the second floor of the parking ramp and when I got out of my car a ZOMBIE was there and it started to come after me, so I out ran it down the stairs and looked both ways to cross the street. I opened my umbrella, and I saw a semi truck come barreling around the corner and I stepped out in front of it and committed suicide. . .then I woke up.

I thought to myself, that was strange...I don't dream of monsters and I am NOT suicidal. So I looked up the imagery,(in my favorite website for this: ) zombie, suicide, semi truck, umbrella, rain and night and it all fit completely with what I'm feeling in my personal life.

And then I went to work
And it was dark
And it was raining, and I thought, that's a little eerie, after the dream, and my spider sense gave me a nudge. . .
I parked on the first floor of the ramp. . . not because I believed there was a zombie on two but because I found a close spot. Then I got out of my car opened my umbrella and started to walk across the street.
As I was getting to the middle/other side of the street the SAME SEMI I DREAMED ABOUT came barreling around the corner and barely was able to slow down due to the wet streets, I looked into the headlights for a split second before moving quickly to the curb and safety as it sped down the street.
I took a deep breath and thanked my lucky stars that I remembered the dream.

Too many similarities for me not to believe that I was warned. I've had dreams before that came true, years later. I've had gut feelings that I couldn't place why someone or something was not quite right and minutes or hours later something bad happened. BUT I'VE NEVER had a dream this vivid, that I remembered and then had the incident happen right afterward. I think my spider sense is getting better and more accurate with age......hum....perhaps I am turning into the wizened sage...

... or perhaps I need Yoda to teach me control....


Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Good Samaritan

Another weekend of fun! I'm so strapped for cash but I have the best friends out there. One such friend offered to lend me money, for food, which i flat out refused. I'd like to keep him as a friend, and I firmly believe that lending money between friends is the best way to lose them. I did suggest that if he wanted to take me out to eat I'd do that. Since we both have to eat and all, and of course that is exactly what happened on Friday night. Only he didn't stop there. Last night he brought over two bottles of wine and two pizzas much larger than the three of us would need to eat and movies, with the excuse of 'hanging out'. Now we've got lunches all week in left overs.
I guess real friends find a way to help you even if you don't ask for it, and don't act like you need it.

thanks to the other friends that asked me out to Brat Pack Radio, and Yesterdays last night. Would have loved to have joined you too, but alas no money.

For those of you that follow me on facebook and expected this to be all about the big "blow up" on the 5th of November, well, I'm sorry to disappoint you. But actually I'm relieved that he's gone since he can't give me what I need from our relationship. I'm sad that he's unable to see that he has done this by his choices to make me more than a friend, and then marry her anyway without really thinking things through, and spending time with me to see. I'm also sorry that the friendship has to be on hold until I can 'be at peace' with us, as he says he is.

I'm SO NOT at peace with 'us'. I can't just turn it off or bury it like he can, and has, as a survival technique to be married to one woman while in love with another. Can you even BE in love with two people at the same time? I mean THAT in love? He says he is. I don't buy it.

Any comments out there?
I know I could use some.

And don't worry. I'm fine. Had a great time so far this weekend. Looking forward to writing today. . . will be interesting to see if I can do it without him. I know I can, it just will be strange when I'm blocked not to be able to run it by him.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Get Up And DO Something!

Okay, so I'm in a good mood. Sue me! But it is mostly due to my friends who care about me and want me to be happy again. And with everything that has happened so far this year, I know a normal person would not be. But I am. And I can't stop smiling because I know how blessed I am to have sincere love all around me. In so many forms and from so many.

I got myself all dressed up and found my 'slutty pumpkin' and went out with Larry The Cable Guy, and DID something. Saw the comic classic rock stylings of Pat McCurdy Just had a blast singing at the top of my lungs, songs so funny and original, and with fans that welcomed me as a virgin to the show. (Got two songs sang to me last night. guess I'm not a virgin anymore!) And ran into one old friend, French Maid, I hadn't seen in 10 years, and met some great new people who I hope to get to know better.

Then downtown and ran into a couple of my girlfriends. (YO! Phoenix and Snow White) AND Zerro and my favorite Roller Girl AngHella. My long lost little brother, (not so lost) who sitting with at DAZE had us both looking around for the rest of that group....who were not there, and missed. AND literally on my way home, ran into Dead Bicyclist and *Hot Cab Driver.

What a great night. Lots of Heart to Heart talking, TONS of SINGING and a little drinking. I've never had a bucket of beer before....was awesome! (before you go's a bucket with 5 bottles of beer and ice in it. trip shopping...just my style)

My mind drifts to the one person that I wish I could have shared it all (and more) with. . . happily drifts. . .and dreams.

Think ill try to write now. . .

*Where was Pat McCurdy then....he'd been looking for Hot Cab driver earlier...oh well

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Best Noise In The World Is . . . .

. . . The laughter of children

I have missed that in my home. The laughter of small children and the wonder that they see in everything that you show them. Over the last four days I was reminded of that by my 'grandson' Timmy (in quotes because he's not mine by blood, but as long as he will let me claim him I will)

Timmy is three. And three is a fun age. Fun because it's not two. And fun because it's closer to four. Three is the age where they really start to test their parents resolve. Some succeed in this test, some fail. Kids are a great window into the way we allow ourselves to be treated. And I believe the best parents make sure that their children are respectful. Its an on going job for many years, but eventually it does sink in. If you are consistent and don't give in. Thats the real test and trick. Not sending mixed messages.

Mixed messages are a bane in my life, as an adult. I feel like my life right now is full of mixed messages, and exceptions. . . double standards, if you will. Rules I held dear, the lines have blurred, and while a huge part of me is empowered by this, another part of me is getting lost. And I'm not sure I like that. I don't like losing myself in anything or anyone so completely.

And if I felt like I was winning, actually having the relationship I know I deserve, then I know I wouldn't feel like this at all. That this is all because I have and am lost. Lost in a fantasy that will never come true. Lost without him.

Am I waking up? When I do, I think this is really going to hurt. And maybe that's why I can't wake up. Maybe thats the real reason I won't wake up. I really am only afraid of pain.

. . . I think maybe I need a wake up call. I think maybe I need to escape. Anyone want to take a boat trip to a deserted island?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Think About What You Could Do.....

If you are like me you have quite a few things in your mind that you feel strongly about, one way or the other. Weather its political,or religious, or sexual choices, or even when the three tend to blur into one as with the pro-life/pro-choice movement. (Don't get me started on this one, there is a group in our city that stands by one hospital and a certain church with signs....they even have the audacity to have their many children holding up signs, children too young to know what they are siding with or even to have made the choice yet.....)

But like I said, don't get me started. These people that stand on the corner holding their signs of an idea, no matter how wrong the idea may be, still have the right idea.

Think about it. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people...what would YOUR message be?

Its not as easy a question as it appears to be, on the surface. I think because I am an atheist mine would be about religion, because I still feel more longterm damage, historically, and now, has been and will be done, for the 'love of god'. I think my message would be: "Forget what or who you BELIEVE in, and know this: It's all about LOVE. PERIOD."

What's your message?

Sunday, October 10, 2010

What makes you smile?

Think about this one. It's tougher than you think. What makes you smile? What sends shivers up and down your spine? What makes your dull day spark with anticipation or immediately look up? What makes you feel like you can do anything?

Is it a thing? Then keep it close to you at all times.
Is it an activity? Then do that EVERY day.
Is it a person? Then never let go of them. . .ever.

What is it that you do, or the person that you spend time with that makes you lose track of all time? That thing is what you are suppose to be doing with your life. That person is your best friend. . .or more depending on your heart. You should listen to your heart. It's the difference between LIVING and EXISTING.

If you could do it all over again, would you change anything?
If you would and you have the power to do so, not acting on that knowledge is tragic, for time is fickle and will move you, without you even knowing it, to a point where all of a sudden you have no power to change it.

Forget about the past, act in the present, to make the future you want happen. It's all up to you. No one else.


Sunday, October 3, 2010

Time flies or drags

Ever notice how when you are really happy, and blissful the time just flies by and all of a sudden that wonderful event, reunion, or vacation is over. And when you are depressed, alone and lonely, time drags.

Is that because we are too focused on ourselves when we are depressed, too inward, maybe thinking too much? And when we are with others having fun, we are focused on the others and, well the fun?!

It should be the other way around. Time should fly by when we are alone and feeling down, and wonderfully drag lazily by as we enjoy our loved ones company.

off to enjoy my loved ones company. cheers

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Is it possible to lie, without saying a word?

The question today, dear readers, is one I'm sure we have all been on both sides of, as the giver and the getter....

And my answer is yes. It is possible to lie without saying a word. Especially if the question posed to you is not formed in the way you need to hear it. For example, one of my long ago ex's had fallen in love with someone else while we were married, he hadn't had the affair yet, but his heart was already gone. And of course, being an attentive wife, I knew something was wrong. I figured he was having an affair, something that we might be able to work through, I hoped that he was not in love with someone else, something we could never work through. So I asked him, "Are you having an affair?" and his 'honest' answer was "No." Which is technically the right answer to my question, but is still a lie, because he knew what I was trying to find out, and that should have opened a door to communication. The answer should have been, "Not yet..." and then the rest.

I can also argue, and perhaps make better sense, if I had asked the right question. My QUESTION should have been, "Are you in love with someone else?" Which then he would or at least could have answered honestly, "Yes."

However, the problem with asking questions, is that most of us 'fish' for the answers we hope to hear, or hope not to hear in my above example. I didn't ask the question I should have, because I didn't want to know the truth. Not really. And that's why we 'fish' around, and hope we have the answers by asking questions that aren't exactly correct but are close enough.

And this is exactly what we should not do. We should be brave enough to ask what we REALLY want to hear. It may be painful, and it may not be what you want to know, but in the end, the honesty will set you free.

Corney, but true. I'm happier today knowing the truth. I'd still rather hear the ugly truth than a pretty lie.

Hugs for bravery until next week. Keep asking the hard questions.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Worry about what is important....not what isn't

Last week I found myself at the center of several different situations of love blowing up, and life altering revelations of the self, and lots of good wine and tarot readings. My services of bringing wine and cards to friends for advice was multiplied, something must be in the air, or the water. But I'm noticing several friends going through similar romantic or self aware journeys, like I have been. And I found myself giving them all the same advice.

Stop worrying about what you can't change.

"Does he love me, will he come come back? Is my job in jeopardy, will I be fired? What will we do now? Where does the money go? My kids? My friends? My husband? My wife? My school?" Stop it! Right now! Be the wise-man, shaman, and witch you know you are, and find peace by worrying about the only thing that matters.


Look at yourself, and really see yourself...not your life...YOU. Do you like who you are? Do you even know who you are? Are you the person you think you are? Are you the person you see in the mirror? Can you look in the mirror?

If the answer to these questions is YES. Then I need you to read my cards, and be my guru. :)

But if the answer is no to any of them, then you are like most of us, and know what to do. CHANGE. BE the person you want to BE. BE the person you envision. And when you do, you will embrace all that is beautiful within yourself, and slowly but surely erase all that is wicked or ugly or what you don't want to see in that mirror.

Its all about love. And self love is the start. If you can't love yourself you can never love anyone else. And once you embrace all that you are, and want to be NO MATTER WHO OR WHAT THAT IS....the rest, will all fall into place.

Trust me.

Just breathe, and be and work on YOU. Not everyone and everything around you.

Because in the end the only person you can really change and effect, and the only person that really matters is YOU. Its your life and you live it alone. The journey is yours alone. No matter who is along for the ride and how long they choose to accompany you, it road is yours alone. Life is a series of people coming in and out of your life. No one but you last on your road with you forever. Get rid of forever in your vocabulary. It's a lie.

Just like the cake is a lie.

Sorry my video game geek just came out, and i like her so I'm embracing her today.

See you next week.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Forest or a Tree.....which are you?

Question: Ever hear of the expression, "Can't see the forest for the trees?"
Answer: Yes, and right now in my life, I feel like the forest.

Ask yourself, in your life, are you the tree that is seen and obliterating the forest, or are you the forest that can't be seen because of the trees. Are you the big picture? or the small alternative? Are you the solution? or the problem? are you the road? or the fork in the road?

I'm the forest. Sometimes I wish I was the tree, someone so special that I am seen and obliterate the forest. . .I guess every tree was once the forest, was once the big picture, the solution, or the road. It must be my turn to be the forest. To be unseen, unnoticed, unchosen.

To be the great observer in life. To watch. Perhaps to dream...

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Good Morning Life!

And just like that, I'm back.

How? Not sure? I guess all along and deep down inside all this emotional crap that I carry around, (we all have our baggage) I truly am a centered and sensible woman. Who knew? I realize the great advice that I've given my friends and family through the years is true. And while it's always easier to see it from the outside and advise when it's not your life, the advice is still true and should be applied to your own life.

Earlier this week, a good friend of mine sat me down and tried to cheer me up and make me understand. Understand that I'm worth more. That I deserve to be happy too. And that I've got so much to offer the right person, that its a shame to just stay hidden, waiting for whatever or whoever. (THANK YOU! I hope you know how much it meant to hear that from you.)

And while I've had many other friends tell me this, somehow hearing it from someone I'd hurt made it real to me. The heartfelt honesty of the truth of it came shining through.

So now I'm teaching myself things I've known all along, but forgotten:
1. “Gut feeling” is not just a euphemism. Tension in the abdomen speaks volumes about how you truly feel about something, beyond all arguments and rationales.
2. Yelling always makes things worse.
3. Cynicism is far too easy to be useful.
4. If what you're doing feels perfectly safe, there is probably a better course of action.
5. People cause suffering when they are suffering themselves. Alleviating their suffering will help them not hurt others.
6. Words are immensely powerful. One cruel remark can wound someone for life.
7. Wishing things were different is a great way to torture yourself.

Food for thought people. Just love. Just be. Just live.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

RUSH....and then some....

Welcome to my blog from my son's house! Isn't technology wonderful? I even figured out how to get here on his high tech programs and big screen hook up all by my own self. :)

Now on to this weeks events...first up RUSH!

Our particular show had its share of technical issues (while Aqualung played over and over as they tried in vain to figure it out). And started only 15 minutes late, without the opening movie, or any movies for the first four songs. Sad day. But they did then get it rigged so they could live feed us what they were able to project on the big screen to the outer screens so once again even our floor seats were good seats. The floor is always a challenge, not for the squeamish nor the short. I was on my tip toes for three hours and the muscles behind my knees are paying for it today. I was also alternating between dancing and doing the pogo with Geddy for three hours. My concert partner, my son's girlfriend, said "Boxers don't get that much exercise!" HA! I guess I was very, 'in the moment'

But my concert story has more to do with me as a person, than the show. You don't need me to review a concert that you already know is good, so I won't. But this story, for those of you that know me, is better. When Megan and I got to the Park N Ride (the only way to travel to and from a concert at the State Fair) the bus was just getting there. So we hurried and parked on the street (lot was full....stress) and ran to get a seat. Whew! barely making it, but feeling now that we would have tons of time, as it was 6:30....and hour to spare before show time!

Half way to the venue, I realized I'd left my State Fair ticket that I'd purchased on line weeks ago, to save time, in my the car....back at the Park N Ride lot....somewhere ELSE in the Twin Cities. GRRRR. STRESS. Oh well, so I'm out 11 bucks. I'll just get another one...hope it doesn't take too long....hope there aren't lines.....RIGHT.

I get to the booth, no line! I'm blessed by the Ti-fecta that is RUSH, and I say to the guy,"You won't believe this but I left my ticket in the car." "Where's your car." "Far away." "OH no. We'll if I were working the gate, you'd get in free. Here sign this. and here you go." And I pay for my new ticket, sign my receipt, he gives me another receipt that I assume is my receipt and nothing else. so i figure this is also my ticket when purchased at the gate, and run to the next dude.

Next dude, asks me for my ticket, and I cheerfully hand him my receipt, and he looks at me like I'm from Mars. My cheerful expression fades as I look into his hand and see all manor of colored tickets, like movie stub tickets, in purple and blue, and not like my shiny new receipt at all. I say, "What? That's what he gave me." "Are you sure?" Am I sure....."YES." I say back knowing that there must be some mistake, it's not me, and I am getting in. Even if I have to make a run for it. So while first gate dude is pondering how to tell me to leave and go back and get my ticket the line behind me is starting to look like an on ramp in Los Angeles, where any second now people will be doing the equivalent of honking, or changing lanes. Second Gate Dude (who only looks about a year older that the young man still pondering over my receipt) comes over and says, "Let me look at that" and pulls me to the side like at the air port before the scary security men show up with hand cuffs. I can see that this man is going to make an executive decision, and I wait....hoping it will be in my favor. But my internal stress level is saying, 'Am I going to have to go back to the ticket dude and hope he remembers my story and me out of every one else and remember that he did not give me a ticket...or am I going to have to buy yet another ticket at 11 bucks....making this the most expensive walk across a parking lot in history.' Finally second gate dude says, "Okay go on in." "YES!" then just as quickly, "No wait." I come to a screeching halt and look to my concert buddy who is already in with her perfect purple ticket and watching me with a hopeful look on her face. Then second gate dude, takes my receipt and tears it in half!!! *This is the funny part.....WTF creature of habit thing is that to do, and what purpose did it serve?? Then he says as he hands back my half and actually keeps his half, "Force of habit" and I quickly get out of there before he can change his mind again.

After that, the bands technical issues seemed like nothing to me. I knew what they felt like as the movies didn't run right, or sometimes at all. As Geddy's keyboards lost a program or the sound man lost the feed during Subdivisions....but he kept playing so I figure he might be able to hear through his monitor. (Next song was fine, so I'm betting program) As Ged's monitor gave out on him during the second new song, Caravan, and he had to stop singing in the middle of the verse to catch up to the rest of the band,(I sang it for him along with others) they are such consummate musicians that it was only a few measures before they were back together and Ged singing as if nothing happened. And during Far Cry, before 2112, La Villa and Working Man, I heard Ged's voice crack, just like mine, as I'd been singing along all night, and I was happy for him that he had a lot of instrumentals coming up in the set, and his voice was back for the final vocal. Sounds like I'm picking on Ged, but I'm not. I love them all and they played their hearts out (On Alex's birthday no less) to a crowd that in my opinion was on Valium for the second half of the show. This is why I hate State Fair's for concert venues...too many tourists...not enough REAL fans. And of course I was a leader in my section of screaming in the right place to be heard or lead them all in spontaneous cheer for an effect or musical greatness I knew was coming (was my 9th time Friday I've seen a few of these songs before....;)

What a great concert! All I can tell the RUSH fans out there is if you have not seen The Time Machine Tour and still have a chance to see these incredible musicians entertain you for three hours (at their age!) and still sound as crisp and tight as their studio work, GO! Do it now, buy the tickets, even if they are in the cheap seats. Just go!

Next up personal jazz.....

For those of you that are in the know you know since my best friends wedding I've been feeling a bit, how should I say, unnecessary, and last Sunday I made the decision that we should not talk anymore as it was just too painful to me to try to pretend that I didn't love him or fake it somehow. Its just not in my nature to lie to myself. I express my emotions when they are this important, and the stress it was causing us both was not worth the benefits.....I miss him, need and love him and a long distance relationship is hard when it's not complicated. This is impossible for me. And I thought he understood. But he tried to contact me every day this week, 'checking in' I think, out of guilt or real concern, who knows. But he told me loved me each time. GOD that cuts like a knife! HOW can he love me....? he married her.....such a confusion to my heart. And makes me not trust the statement nor the man. So with that in my heart, and knowing that I can't go on pretending to be 'just a friend' I told him yesterday that I would only be able to communicate with him as an editor, and I would look forward to his chapters and hoped he would continue to give me feedback on mine. For I do believe we make each other's projects better. And I do want to be able to some how save this, and with no communication, and completely cutting us off from each other, how will I ever know if he stays happy? Or if he becomes single? Or if he needs me?
I won't bore you with the soggy details of the rest of that evening nor of how supportive my wonderful daughter Diana, and my son's girlfriend and concert buddy, Megan and my son Michael were and are to me.

I am constantly reminded of how much I am surrounded by love and people that care about me. I am done putting forth so much effort into a relationship that clearly will gain me nothing in the future. I hope he will be happy, he deserves it. I know I will be with time. But I kid you not, when I tell you that I didn't need this additional heartbreak, and I'm afraid to be alone. I'm afraid I'll cave and try to talk to him. And I can't do that....I need time....when I'm alone with my thoughts I think too much and it ALWAYS goes to him. I need to stay busy....I need something to jolt me out of this, or something so important that it makes me forget him. that all? HA.

See you next week.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

What Makes Someone a Friend?

I was wondering what to write about this morning when I came upon this quote by Friedrich Nietzsche, "Rejoicing in our joy, not suffering over our suffering, is what makes someone a friend." And I couldn't help but agree and knew I had to immediately pass it on to you.

I'm a firm believer in lending and ear or a shoulder when a friend is sad, and listening and trying to relate or comfort. But I'm completely against it when a friend 'feeds your fire' instead. . . the misery loves company rule is not the mark of a good friend. Good friends pick you up when you are down, not push into the ground further. And idol gossip is evil and for the small minded. People who talk only about other people have very little on their minds, and care very little for others.

Think about this the next time a friend comes to you with a heartbreaking story or even just a bad day. Try to think about what you would want that friend to say to you, put yourself in their shoes. (Always a good idea in life when dealing with anyone, friend or foe)


Sunday, August 15, 2010

The Connection is STILL everything that happened.....
And it was a first for me. I'd met friends through friends before. And had 'collisions' with them before...But not on the first meeting. This was New. And New is good. New was going to help me forget my best friend with benefits that just got married. And while New tried very hard to do that, it was not what I had hoped. And it left me more frustrated than satisfied, although we did give it the old college try, for hours. And with everything we tried,. everywhere we tried, it only made me miss my my main connection even more. He was in my mind the entire time, and probably the reason I was frustrated.

It just wasn't sitting well with either of us. And by this morning we had agreed to be friends and hoped that we would both find someone we could connect with, because with the right person, we were sure it was awesome.

How adult of us.

So this event instead of helping me erase my connection with my best friend with benefits, just reaffirmed that connection, and made me realize how special our connection truly is. As I sit here, finally home from my misadventure, tired, not as hung over as I thought I would be, and wondering how to fill up my day, I can't stop thinking about him, and feel him thinking about me. I haven't spoken to him in three days. That's a long time for us, and not talking daily is something we have not done for months. And while I miss him and long to hear from him, I guess I'm a little nervous to hear from him as well. I don't want him to be different or distant, but I fear he will be, now that he is married.

And if that happens, I'm not sure how I'll take it. Especially in light of last nights misadventure.

The connection is still everything, and as he is so fond of reminding me, 'And that's not changing.'

Friday, August 13, 2010

Friday the 13!!

The storm blew out fo the nortwest...figures...he's in the northwest....getting married today.
The storm fit my mood. One of the darkest August mornings I can remember, a gray and black churning sky,...
As I drove to work just ahead of the rain, in my rear view mirror the eastern sky was clear...gray still but only a few shades lighter than what lay ahead of me.
Even that small hope, made me want to fly away...away from the coming storm and hide in any place I could find. Away from my breaking heart and stormy emotions.

I can feel a sadness washing over me from him as he sends his love long distance....
All he can do....
All I can do is feel his loss, and remember his warmth....
And know we will talk again.
And hope we will meet again.

It does help that I can feel him thinking about me.

Facing a life with never seeing his eyes or feeling his arms around me again, is unbareable.

I can't focus on that. That way leads to maddness.

The metor shower last night, I skipped--
I couldn't face watching it without him. I hope if he saw it he thought of me...

A friend of mine just sent me a link to a song by The Police, Driven To Tears....
And I am.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

If I Could Wave My Magic Wand....

I'm at a real crossroads today, and I'm hoping that my day goes more in the positive vein than negative. I'll give you an example of what I mean. I'm a cancer by sun sign, and we are a moody bunch to begin with, as the most emotional signs we are the most in tune with not only our emotions but the emotions of our loved ones. That's why when two cancers get together watch out! Passionate--hell yes. Loving and thoughtful toward each other--always, its in our nature. Do we believe it--hardly ever, only because we are not use to getting from someone what we give to others. THAT is where the challenge comes in....convincing each other that we really do care. Odd, isn't it? And whether or not you 'believe' in this kind of thing, it rings true for me. And like everything I write, it's all for me. So onward.

My crossroads today is that I'm in a FANTASTIC mood, a wonderful feeling that started yesterday and just keeps going. A very warm and pleasant 'feedback' from my cancer gut and intuition. Which I trust completely and which is rarely wrong. For my consistent followers, you will remember that I'm blessed with a best friend with benefits, a fellow cancer, who I feel very connected to. So much so that it's been one of the most rewarding and yet difficult relationships of my life. The rewards still outweigh the problematic circumstances. So we communicate, and share just about everything in our lives. And it's a wonderful feeling to be needed and loved, and cherished just for who I am.

Unfortunately, I'm so not used to getting this emotion from anyone, especially a man that is interested in me not only mentally but physically. I'm a disbeliever from the beginning. A self-saboteur, if you own worst enemy. It is very difficult for him as to understand why I just don't believe him. Well, I'm sure I would much longer periods of time, if he were not in his own sticky circumstance of being emotionally engaged elsewhere.

I'm finding myself not so much torn in any decisions I've made, anymore. Believe me there was a lot of that. every two weeks sometimes.. and I'm sure it appeared to him that my heart changes overnight (RUSH song cue for those of you that are super fans like me). But that is not me. In fact, like most cancers, I'm loyal to a fault, and trust and believe in him without question, or I wouldn't still be available to him.

No, I'm finding myself more at the cross roads of what will happen once he's married? Will we change at all? Will he suddenly become distant, and gone to me, or will this piece of paper really change anything. With those questions in mind I was reading PostSecret this morning like I do every Sunday morning
and I came across a post card that read, "I cried more when Jim and Pam got married than at any REAL wedding" and I thought...."WOW! That is harsh." and I immediately wondered who had sent it, a man or woman, and did they feel like I did, that this upcoming wedding wasn't a real wedding, but a ceremony.

I suppose some of you might argue that it's possible for a person to love two people the same, at the same time. I think I've actually walked a mile in those shoes too. I wonder if it's something that lasts when it occurs? If eventually one love greatly outshines the other?

So I'm waiting to see what happens. And I know this sounds like morbid curiosity and completely damaging to my emotions, but I assure you, if I get hurt, it won't only be me. I know it will hurt him too, and I don't want that anymore than he does.

So for those of you who believe, 'I deserve better' or 'I'm wasting my time' or 'I just don't want to see you get hurt' I'm hoping you are all Negative Nelly's and that a positive outcome will happen in time. Besides, you never know what the future will bring. And to say that anything except death is forever, is a fools statement.

I want to believe that my life is a fantastic journey and that I should experience everything that life puts in front of me. I don't believe that we are done yet. And so I wait and watch, and try to be a good best friend. Maybe this is the challenge I'm suppose to have now in my life. Maybe he's making the wrong choice. Maybe I am. No one knows for sure. And hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20......

Now where did I put that Time Machine??? :D

Sunday, August 1, 2010

“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” – Joseph Campbell

I came upon this quote while 'stumbling upon' the internet Friday night/Saturday morning sometime after midnight, and immediately changed my facebook status to reflect it. It got a lot of likes, and at least one friend stole it and re-posted (Awesome Zerro!) And it got me thinking that perhaps more of you might need a dose of this wisdom. Not all my followers are facebook friends, after all.

As much as I love this quote from the famous American mythologist, writer and lecturer, best known for his work in comparative mythology and comparative religion. I must admit that the first time I heard him speak and heard of him was on the extra selections of one of the Star Wars movies. (I know, the Spock side of me is quite ashamed, while the geek side of me is quite proud.....wait a minute....are those the same sides? oh well)

George Lucas goes into great detail on how Joseph Campbell's writing had effected his story telling overall, but especially in Star Wars. And while I am glad I got to know this writer, I wish I would have heard of him earlier...better late then never, I suppose.

As I sit here, drinking my morning coffee, I realize that the only reason that I know this quote is so true is my uncanny ability at 20/20 hindsight. I'm sure you all have it too, and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

So with that in mind, how in the heck am I ever suppose to put this wonderful wisdom to practical use in my present life, to obviously positively effect my life? I guess we all know the answer to that one. I can't. The true wisdom of this quote is that you have to be conscientiously aware, at all times, of what the universe is placing on your table. And be brave enough, and sure enough of yourself to take it.

With that in mind, everything should work out. Wow is that easier said than done! but as Hemingway said in The Sun Also Rises......"Isn't it pretty to think so...."

Sunday, July 25, 2010

RUSH Beyond The Lighted Stage

Normally I do not use my blog for reviews. But I have to pass on this bit of information for other RUSH fans that may be followers. If you did not live in a cool enough city to show this documentary on the one day in June that it was showing, like me, then you have had to wait for it's DVD release. And let me tell you it is well worth the wait! RUSH Beyond The Lighted Stage.

This is a must have for every RUSH fan out there. Not only is it informative with childhood photos and information about the life long friendship of the band members. While that was not new news to me, may be to some of you. But it also is chock full of rare and recent concert footage. Which you would expect. What makes this one different than other rock n roll documentaries is the candid and often times very funny remarks from many. . . MANY other famous rock and roll artists that have been heavenly influenced by RUSH.

I found myself not only connecting with the band in many of the humorous back stage extras, (my favorite being a dinner with the band members at a hunting lodge) but also with the other Rock musicians and singer/songwriters that appeared to remember with me why they loved RUSH as a kid growing up.

The voice that RUSH spoke to me with, was one of pure geek-dome and nonconformist freewill, with a dose of outsider throw in for good measure. And at once, I felt that I was not alone. As an unsure teenager, with their words of intellect and individuality they helped me to remember, at all costs, who I was, and to never sell out.

Something I didn't know and I bet most of you don't either, was that they are ranked third in consecutive gold or platinum albums after The Beatles and The Rolling Stones. Wow. . . that's right. . .a Canadian rock band! So there! And I bet with a stat like that you either are a RUSH fan or you know one. We're everywhere, and most of us are hard to spot. We're kind of invisible, until we all get together at RUSH-CON or a concert.

I'm going again this summer when they hit the twin cities Aug. 27th, and if you haven't seen them yet live, I encourage you to do so. As quickly as you can. You never know, this may be the last year. . .

33 days and counting. . .

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Here I Go Again, Recreating The Past

Last night the sound of the thunder effected my dreams. Every time it woke me up, my dreams would change from Instant Message screens to him reaching out to me. The dream was so choppy and urgent, and filled with the longing that I feel in my waking hours.

Here I sit, eyes still red-rimmed from crying most the night, drinking coffee and wondering how I'm going to face my life without him in it. How will I get through not being able to share my days and nights with him. The hours we spent together sharing everything. . . the innocent and not so innocent times we remembered our 4 days together, and made up new encounters, hoped for the future, and wished we could be together again. Writers are so creative when it comes to fantasy.

Last night the sound of my tears effected my communication. I pushed him away, like I had two other great loves in my past. I pushed so hard this time, he said he was happy with his life, as happy as he can be, and I pushed. And my heart snapped. His happiness being more important to me than my own. His future with her being more important to him than us.

Here I sit, on the verge of tears and numb for everything around me. And my thoughts are with him, wanting more than anything else to take it all back, and hold him and kiss him forever. . . but his hugs and kisses belong to someone else. He'll be married less than a month, and so I brought our over 6 month affair to an end.

For those of you that believe that an internet affair is not as serious as a real one, nor as damaging, I'm here to argue the point. The four days we had in person together confirmed everything before, and cemented everything after.

I hope I haven't destroyed us completely. I hope he does keep in touch as he said he would. I hope if he's ever single he'll call me. But for now, I must let him go, and it feels like I've cut off a piece of myself. I understand what it feels like now when Stevie sang, "Something in my heart died last night, one more chip off an already broken heart.....Blame it on my Wild Heart."

Sunday, July 11, 2010

The future influences the present just as much as the past.

While reading this today I couldn't help but think of my present situations and wonder just how true this statement is. For those of you that know me, you know that I tend to relive the past. . . a lot. And while I do this with good memories for the rush, and bad memories for the lessons, I know it influences my present.

But lately I've been given three 'future' options in the romance department. Very interesting and very unexpected options. Well two of the three are interesting, one of them is just not an interesting enough option to me to go there, and if he actually offers more then just a mid life crisis text message, I'll let him know that road was closed at the divorce. And for the record he's only interested in me when I'm interested in someone he somehow senses that I'm interested in someone else is better left unexplained. (I don't talk to him, so he can't know) And if I start talking about past lives and connections you'll think I'm bonkers. . .well more bonkers than you already do. :D (Three For One - 341)

But I mention him at all because when my romantic live erupts all over me, it usually happens in threes. Kind of like death happening in threes. (there goes my morbid sense of humor again)

And so now I'm thinking about two future options, and honestly one is a much better fit, and I feel a much stronger connection with, but for him a harder decision to make me reality. The other, might not be as hard a decision, but still a hard choice and the connection is not as strong. But well, it's me, so it's complicated.

Apparently it can never be easy in this life for me romantically. . . and my future options I find are keeping me thinking about my past and when this happened before, back in the 80's. The choices I made then, in the end proved to be the wrong choices, hence the divorce. Now I find myself saying the old adage, "Life gives you the opportunity to make the same mistake twice."

Here is where it gets hard for me. . . I see the similarities, in the two choices I'm contemplating, with the two choices I had in the past. . . and life is saying. . . okay, you thought it was hard with just the one you are in love with. . . now we will get down to it, and you can try to do this the right way this time.

Funny. Fate is funny. Only which is the right way? Only the future will tell. Good thing I'm patient.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Big Brother and Big Business

I recently got the chance to get extremely pissed off at a bill that Senator Joe Lieberman is trying to push through congress. It's been called the Internet Kill Switch. Follow the link if you'd like to read the entire bill. Its a long one, and I can tell you it's very vague, in so many ways that it's scary.

How is it scary? Well it's scary to me because it give not only the President, who, by the way had nothing to do with creating this bill, but the media is blaming him, but it also gives an appointed Director absolute power to kill the internet, whenever a financial threat is imposed upon us by terrorist. Actually the bill is so vague they don't even go into detail about what the parameters to be considered a threat. Could be ANY threat....And while we're at it, wouldn't shutting down the internet cause more damage to our financial structure than the threat?

I've talked about this to several of my friends, some of them posted their own blogs on it, others reminded me that this kind of thing is not new, but has been in effect since 1934 for all forms of media. I didn't know that, and that completely bombards my argument on why haven't they tried to do this with radio, television or telephones....apparently they have and can. So Big Brother now is striking a deal with Big Business, wouldn't be the first time, to control our basic freedoms. This makes it very hard for me to feel good about any of the people we have in power. And it makes me wonder how much more as citizens we will stand before we say, enough is enough. And if Big Business, say wants to make even more money, whose to stop them from regulating the internet into a form of media, instead of communication so that it can be handled differently. And then charging us to use it even more than they do now.

Some of my friends have said, it'll never happen, because the porn industry would never allow a kill switch for the internet. Many have argued that it's impossible to 'shut it down' when it's not a centrally located thing. But the bill refers to very high fines to the internet providers and three most popular search engines, yahoo, google, and youtube, if they did not shut down.

But the vagueness of the bill is perhaps the scariest to me. This director will have all departments of government reporting to him, even military and intelligence, and what they find they will then determine if the internet would be shut down. Now I wonder, where does this end? How much do I have to say in lets say my blog, before Big Brother decided I'm a threat to our financial community, or even just a threat, and came and carted me off.

I won't stand for it! What about my INTERNET AFFAIR! What about my facebook account? Not to mention any real work I might need to do to, oh I don't know MAKE A LIVING! This is against my constitutional rights. And if we don't stand up for our rights no one else will. The time for revolution is now! Write your senators and congressmen, go to your state's website and send them an e-mail that says you are against this. Or if you are for it then do that too. But do something other than just blog and complain. Make a difference. It's one of the only freedoms we still vote and to let our voices be heard through the political system. The more we let our representatives know how we feel, the better chance we have of not letting this pass.

Oh and while I'm at it....Stop listening to the news or reading the paper until they decide to tell it like it is instead of making up headlines or news bites that sound good and are geared to give them good ratings instead of telling you the truth and keeping the public informed. The media is more to blame for this than anyone, by slanting stories.

If they don't cart me away I'll see you next week.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

When can you have too much experience?

After finishing my third week of unemployment(almost 6 months total) I am discovering that the general consensus is, and I quote, "We really liked Jill, we just feel that she is so overqualified that she'll be bored in this position." What the HOUSE! I'm getting so sick of hearing this. Of course I realize I'm overqualified, EVERYONE in this market is overqualified. Of course I realize I might be bored. So WHAT? Everyone gets bored in their jobs sometime, or we sometimes have to do boring jobs. I'm a professional. If i didn't want to do the work, i wouldn't be applying for the job.

Of course my unemployment is over, (temporary jobs can really mess with your unemployment....fair warning) and my saving is almost gone, and while thanks to my recent reading of Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway, makes me still feel in control, in power and not a failure. I'm very worried about money now. I hate worrying about money. Makes me feel guilty for every dime I spend for anything other than bills and food. But at least I still have two jobs from last weeks interviews in the running. Perhaps one of them will want to give me a chance to work for them and show them what an overqualified professional can really accomplish.

Of course, this is not the only place in my life I feel overqualified. I feel overqualified in the relationship department too. You know, the whole I've been married a few times, had a few lovers or boyfriends through the years and I think I've got this down now. Kind of figured out what not to do from my own, and my ex's mistakes. Oh and lets not forget what a lot of partners teaches you in the bedroom. I think I'm overqualified for most partners. So when I find one that really gets to me, doesn't it make sense that I never want to let him go?

Starting to fall in love with thunderstorms now...Let it rain!...Bring on the thunder and lightning!


Sorry about that, I must have temporarily lost my mind for a minute....I blame it on waking up to light rain and thunder.

Send positive energy to the universe for me, and I promise I'll send it back. I know I'll find a job. Can't it just be tomorrow?

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway

For those of you that read me weekly you know I never do reviews....well, never say never. While this recent new unemployment (week number 2)and heartbreak at not getting the man of my dreams (month number 2)I've been feeling very down on myself, cynical, unwanted and unloved, unworthy. Feelings I know all of you have felt at one point in your life.

One of my truest and best friends suggested a book that really helped him during a bout of similar depression, years ago. In fact he says he will often pull it out and re-read certain passages to remind himself how he should be feeling about whatever it is that has gotten him upset.

This intrigued me. Both being intellectuals and you know how they are, they never really need any help, or never admit it, or only suggest things in hushed tones.

Well I took this suggestion to heart and ran to my local library to get a copy. I read it in one sitting that same afternoon and evening. It was that good. And it had reminded me of how I use to be. I how I use to live my life just knowing that everything, somehow was going to be alright. The power of positive thinking is really what I had forgotten.

That and a very simple rule: The subconscious mind does not know the difference, like the conscious mind. So that means that you can tell yourself, every day, "I am worthy, I am strong, I am creating the perfect (insert issue here---job, relationship, body) NOW." and your subconscious mind will believe it. Hook, line, and sinker. See, you don't even have to believe it, youself. And that is how you get your Higher Self to grow and become more in charge than your Chatterbox.

Susan Jefferes, Ph.D. wrote this amazing little book and she goes into great detail about how we all listen to that Chatterbox in our head first. The one that tells us we can't do it, I'm not worthy, I shouldn't do it, I hope, If only....if any of this sounds familiar, you are not taking responsibility for your life.

I have several quotes that I love from the book, and when you read it you will too, but for me, the one that really hits home is: "You’re not a failure if you don’t make it; You’re a success because you try"

That formula alone will stop you from not taking the risks that will make you happy. That's right, RISKS make you HAPPY. Not being right or living the safer route. There is no right or wrong decision, just learning experiences. Life is learning, and if you live your life afraid of risks, because you think they aren't right (and I'm not talking illegal stuff here) then you aren't truly happy.

As I was reading the book I had a breakthrough....."When had I stopped living my life like this?" I remember distinctly after the divorce, when my best friend Erin helped me "shed" and find my voice again. (thank you my dearest!) But where had i lost it? And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had taken a risk (a good thing!) and tried a job that my heart was just not black enough to do....being a landlord. And to do the job over a period of almost 2 years I had to "Be" a certain way with the tenants that I didn't like. And it started to turn me into a cynical, bitter person. I'm not sorry for the experience, quite the contrary, I'm thankful that learned I'm not cut out for that, even if without it, I'm unemployed and struggling. I know the universe is creating the perfect job for me RIGHT NOW. I know I'll get another job. (not i hope, not I'm trying, not I'm looking......I KNOW)

I, like the author don't know how this works, but it does. The more positive energy you put out into the universe, the more comes back to you. I suggest this book for anyone who can read. Hell, if you can't read have someone read it to you! It has helped me to become more relaxed and focused after just two days of practicing her methods. Some may call it brainwashing, or pop-psych. I don't care. If it works then it's good.

So if you are having the same problems I was having, and I know my Chatterbox is not gone, but it's sure much more quite, I suggest you read this book. I promise you it will help. And if you are a positive person, like I AM right now (see how much i learned?) It never hurts to have a refresher course.Search for feel the fear and do it anyway by susan jeffers

Sunday, June 13, 2010

A Fidgeting Mind is as Telling as Fidgeting Hands, or Feet.

I'm a mover, and shaker, and I don't mean that in the terms of big business. I mean it in the terms of body language. If you know me in real life, or follow this blog, you know I'm big on what people say, how to use your right words, as the goblins in Labyrinth remind us. But as a writer and trained observer of people, I am also quite aware of others, and hopefully, my own, body language. And I've read enough articles on body language and how to change it, to make myself seem more approachable or open, and in most cases is does work to change my mind set.

But like I said, I'm a mover and a shaker. Even in moments of quite, watching a movie or reading a book, it seems like I need to have some part of my body moving. Fidgeting if you will. My body part of choice is usually my right foot. (I know, great opportunity to plug a fab Daniel Day Lewis movie here, and I don't do it even for creative process...oh well, I'm honest here.)

Now I use to blame this completely on nerves. "I'm just a nervous person" or "I should have been a percussionist....always moving" But I've come to realize, that it's not nerves so much as being uncomfortable with the situation that I'm in when I start to fidget. How did I come to this unique understanding? I'll tell you. Chatting on line. Yep. You heard it here first. Chatting on line.

Now when I'm chatting, I'm sometimes nervous or uncomfortable with the topic or question that has been posed to me, and my fingers are already typing, and fidgeting, so my foot can take the day off. But I realized that my MIND also fidgets. I stall when not go with my gut....or I'm thinking too much. I'd like to believe that this is me learning how to phrase what I say before I say it. To finally learn that others feelings are more important than my own, and even when typing--words can wound--sometimes forever.

But I don't think I'm that cool. I realized, that the nervousness that accompanies my foot, subtle as it is, is partnered with a small little itch in my brain that is uncomfortable, and screaming to change the subject, or just don't start a debate with this one, because it will not end well. And I have discovered my mind fidgets. Who knew? So as my body language is starting to become less obvious that something is amiss, my mind is taking control of that.

And while I look more confident, now I don't sound it anymore. Not sure which was better. When people are uncomfortable with the present moment, they fidget with their hands or their minds. Watch and see.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Rock Bottom? Then Why Am I Happy?

This is going to start off sounding like a typical rant, but believe me, it's not. I got some very unsettling news on Friday that cost me a job, and while I have no control over this situation, like most situations that really upset me. I am going to try to get to the bottom of it next week. While I go back to looking for more work. This did get me to thinking about not only myself but others in the world right now who are unemployed, or underemployed, from this recession. This is not an easy time to be unemployed not matter what your age or educational background. And with this latest slap in the face, I'm starting to feel like I hit rock bottom.

And rock bottom is not a place that I'm familiar with. I've never walked in these shoes before....well, maybe close, but at those times, I could blame someone else for why I was where I was. This time I can only blame myself and my own mistakes. This makes it much more of an awakening experience.

That is if you choose to use the information to ask yourself, "Why am I here?" "Why is this happening to me?" "Why does this always happen to me?" And if you can be honest with your answers then perhaps, if you are lucky, like me, you can get an glimpse of what is REALLY wrong with your life. And fix it.

The answers to these questions are different for each of us, some realize they are mean and bitter because of some past hurts and have lost all the love and kindness they need to survive in the world, other than alone. Others might realize they are addicts and finally have that moment of clarity to get clean and sober. Others might wake up and realize that they are living a lie of some kind.....with the wrong person.....or with the wrong gender. And others find religion to help them along the path of life.....that inner need to talk (pray) to someone and believe they are listening.

I was going to talk today about long distance relationships and communication and how important making yourself very clear on the internet is. And how hard that can be if you don't speak in complete sentences, and say exactly what you mean. Which I know my friends and family do with me, but i get the feeling that many more of you use the internet shorthand to express yourself, probably more than you should. As a writer I can't tell you how much this pisses me off. So stop it. LOL OMG! BRB.

But instead I decided that if I was going to talk about communication I think the most important communication that can go on is the communication you have with yourself. Listen to that little voice in your head that you ignore. It might be telling you exactly what you need to hear to be truly happy not only in your life, but with yourself.

Make yourself your best friend, NOT your worst enemy. Love yourself first, and love will find you. This is what we should be saying to ourselves: No more self-destructive paths, no more 'oh but I can fix you', no more believing that I somehow deserve to be treated this way, no more procrastination, no more feeling trapped by past decision.

This is my life, and I only get one that I can remember. I'm living it. Are you?

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Memorial Day and New Beginnings

My thoughts are unusually scattered today. And I know it's because I really need to shut myself away and write. But I can't seem to calm my mind from running off in all directions.

Enjoying my three day weekend, brings my mind to why I have it. And I think not only about my own family and friends that have or are serving in the military, but all of the brave men and women who daily do a job I know I could NEVER do. So I choose today to take a moment to say "thank you" to them all, for standing on that wall, or walking that walk, or being that first line of defense that gives me the freedom that I come to take for granted. Its a job that no one likes to admit that we need doing, and few are cut out to do it.

The second thing on my mind is my on going soap opera of a life and hoping that I will not only find a job soon that I love and am qualified for, but also a romantic partner. You see I'm so tired of coming in second. With my interviews I'm either overqualified or after talking with me they think I'll be bored soon. Wow. Really? Well of course I'll be bored, aren't all the intelligent people doing your jobs bored? I guess it's a compliment, but they really should take into consideration that I know this when applying, but am willing to be bored to be employed. And in this market it's stupid to be too choosy. I know I'm management material, too bad there are no management jobs out there. I know I need to start over in a company that is willing to let me.....wish I could find it.

As for my very uneventful love life....well recently uneventful....lets try to put this into the best possible perspective. Something my dad said on the phone to me yesterday. "The greatest love of my life was your mother, and while I haven't been able to replace that, I'm still looking."

So while the greatest love of my life was decades ago, and one I should have married but didn't. And for about 10 years I stopped looking, recently I've put myself back out there only to be burned again. Makes me wonder if we don't just fall in love with the same people over and over, until we break the pattern. . . I think this last time I started to break the pattern in many ways, but then again, in some ways not so much. He was/is emotionally unavailable. This seems to be a pattern since my third husband....and I KNOW I don't want to go there again.

But I also know my dad is right. 47 is not old. And out there is a man that will love me and want me so much that he can't live without me. And when I find him, I'll not let him go this time. And even though it sucked to be rejected, I'm glad for the experience, the championship sex, and the knowledge that I CAN HAVE A LIFE again. And I am. I choose life. I choose risk. I choose love.

Nothing in life is worth having that doesn't include a bit of risk...

Sunday, May 23, 2010

The Male Perspective

I've had an unusual week for me. Where most of my down time is spent in front of my computer writing, or listening to music while I try to write, or chatting with friends while I try to write, or letting facebook games eat my soul while, you guessed it, trying to write. I spent much less of that down time doing that and interacting with real live people.

What a concept. And not just my usual gang of girls, but people I don't get to see very often. Men. WOW...What a concept. And it was unusual that so many of my guy friends were in attendance this week.

It all started with fencing last Sunday, where I got to further bond with one of my oldest friends who had been like a little brother to me. Lets call this group the "Old School group". The more time I spend with him the more I realize I miss our humorous outlook on life and our competitive spirit. Also one of my ex's was present, and I'm always amazed when I run into him how little has really changed between us. He falls into the category of 'too bad we wanted different things in life'. I feel very good about rekindling friendly relationships with both of them. Was nice day, little flirty, mostly fun, and I learned a lot. Sounds like one of usual nights with the girls.....hum maybe some of my guy friends can be as good as my girl friends, and I can feel free to be myself with them and not feel like they only want one thing from me. Good for them!

And while they don't know everything about my situation, they have accepted me back with, so far, no questions asked, and an almost unconditional love. I call this the Patient Polite Perspective---they will wait to hear, and give opinions if asked, and if not politely ignore it. While not the best for getting over it quickly is definitely the place to be if you do not want to think about it, or talk about it anymore.

Then Tuesday night, I'm offered my first appearance with what I like to call "The Boys of Summer" (and yes, you can make a musical reference here.although I'm not talking about baseball, and neither was Don Henley, really....) Its usually lap tops and movies, and a lot of innuendo. Now they have one ring leader, whom has been a friend of mine, consistently, since about 1994. And he and his group of friends boost my ego in the way the first group mentioned choose not to. This group the flirting is hardly innocent, but it sure is fun! And since I'm mostly just eye candy with a brain, I'm really in control of how far it goes, and I'm a good girl at heart, so its a nice ego boost. Plus gives me the benefit of a lot of nice guys in my corner. If say, I ever need anyone beat up. Or when something breaks that I'm just too girly to fix...these are my go-to-guys, and the testosterone level is almost so high, i get turned on just by breathing the air! LOL I guess it's true what they say about every girl needing at least one guy like this.

And while their opinion is mostly, "Screw him he's an idiot if he'd choose her over you." their real agenda is more, "embrace your inner slut" so while the advice is skewed to their eye candy, it's still to my benefit of being empowered, and moving on, and remembering to have some fun. I like to call this the No Regrets Perspective.

Then Friday night rolls around and I've been looking forward to this all week, as my son and his best girl are coming into town. So I post on facebook all the details as I know it, expecting not only his "old school" friends, but hey, maybe even some of my own....things are going well in that department, and they haven't had the opportunity to hang out with him downtown, drinking, in a long, long time. And the added benefit of my daughter being able to join us now made it a real family affair. Sadly none of my "Old School", friends showed, but some of his did. And as much as I loved seeing the great healing going on between his best girl and one of her oldest best girlfriends, who is like a daughter to me, I had to marvel at all the healing that was going on for me, with these great young guys that are friends of my son. Young guys are my bane.

The first surprise of the night was running into one of The Boys of Summer, not the ring leader, and kind of a shock for us both to see us with our peeps. I got a great first hug, followed by some hardly innocent checks, and invited him to add his collection of friends to mine, which sadly didn't happen. But when they finished with their darts, he came over to completely ruin the concentration of my pool game, to give me another very lingering hug. . .gotta love those boys of summer. And was a nice way for me to start my evening on a high note.

The next one that surprised me with his opinions and honest emotion (wait a minute here.....are we talking about a straight guy? YES! YES we are!), has always referred to me as Jill Mom. But I know he really earned it that night. Listening to him discuss his recent heartbreak and how his friends while supportive were/are having a hard time still listening, reminded me of some of my own girlfriends attitudes about me discussing my continuing disappointment in my best fantasy and his life decision to not have it all, and stick to his commitment. And add to this guy a GREAT sense of timing and humor.....When I would ask to be distracted because my fantasy would SLAM into my a Sledgehammer (musical reference again!) ....he would 'shake it like a Polaroid picture'(and again! geez). When he spoke of her and his great disappointment and how he felt he had been involved for five years and was still amazed that he hardly knew her?? well that sure felt familiar too. We connected on a level of understanding that while healing our hearts are held together by will alone. And on a side note the math is half my age plus seven....lets don't traumatize the son! LOL So this example is a man that is man enough to not only be in touch with his feminine side and be able to talk openly about his life and feelings, but is still man enough to think his buddy's 'mom's got it going on'. (lots of musical references this week....maybe i need a sound track)
I'll call this the Been There Done That Perspective.

The next surprise was another long term friend of my sons' and I'd like to think of my own, although we really have spent very little time together that didn't include trying to yell at each other at Daze. He also was in a recent 'bad romance'. (there I go again). And we got to touch on the last ones in his life. How one was two years of his life he'll never get back...(sadly i agree) and the other, a complete disappointment in honer and the breaking of vows....(and again i am reminded of my own mistakes and my heart goes out to him) BUT---he's happy now. Happier than I've ever seen him and I LOVE his new girl. She is confident, sexy, smart, witty, and honest. WOW...could be my daughter, and totally wants me to meet her dad. How sweet is that? I have to add, that seeing them in the first blush of new love I was reminded of my fantasy guy that I feel ripped away from, and imagined him with his love looking this happy. I have to imagine it because I never saw it when I was with them. But I must as an intellectual assume it is there....right? Well maybe it isn't maybe they aren't as happy as this wonderful couple. And as happy as I am for him and his new girl, it only made me miss my fantasy more. I checked my cell for the 10th time wondering why I had no text from him...missing me, or hoping I was having fun. My crazy girl brain threatened to ruin my night. The son's friends wouldn't allow that. Really nice men and women. And proof that a man can respect and love you with no alternative motive than to just see you smile. Good for you. Can it be that I'm starting to believe again in men? This is the Learn By Example Perspective.

The last one that made an appearance that I would like to talk about is a friend of both my son and mine, but not a close friend although it's odd because we are close to alot of the same people. His perspective on my recent nocturnal activities with my fantasy guy are NOT as lax in moral judgment as most of the above mentioned men. Who i believe either don't share his opinion (The Boys of Summer) or not sure how to express it (The Son's Gang). Both these groups love me and want my happiness, but few (other than my daughter, but we're talking male perspective today) are willing to tell it like it is and actually express disappointment in MY behavior. My willingness to go after this guy even though he is taken, greatly disappointed him and I believe he is still scratching his head in wonderment at how I could actually do it. Having been that woman, and been cheated on, repeatedly by husbands or boyfriends, how could I do that to her? Good question and the only answer I can give is -- the heart wants what the heart wants.

I know it sounds lame, and not as important as a commitment, but ask yourself the commitment real anymore when it can be broken by an affair? Neither of us think so, and while he does not like my actions, he also does not like his. Takes two to tango. I promised him I would do better, and I meant it. I hate disappointing my friends, almost more than myself. There is something very wrong with that last sentence, hopefully when I'm truly healed I'll know what that is. And believe it. But for now, I stand on my defense. I believe we are suppose to be together, and I have a hard time letting go of this powerful a connection in love. To hit on all cylinders like this is rare. So I will hide what I feel and I will move on and hope that I meet someone soon who makes this love seem like a high school crush, instead of the soul mate connection I believe it to be.

I use to not believe in Soul Mates. I use to think there were many people for each of us, and perhaps there are. But now, after meeting him, I think maybe I just had not met my soul mate yet, and could never possibly understand exactly what that means. And why when I would argue this point with some couples they would just hold on to each other a bit more tightly and smile at me like the Mona Lisa(wow OLD song reference)......What did they know I didn't?

Obviously this last perspective generated the most to think about, and cemented this as my blog post. I like to call this perspective the You Know Better Perspective.

Oh and honorable mention goes to the two men who wanted their cards read at last nights bonfire. Thank you for allowing me to share with you a tidbit of my experience as it related to both of your readings. My fellow Wand for letting me hit you with similar 'my own worst enemy' intellect. And Orange Shirt Guy for hitting me with a knowing smile of understanding in what life has chosen to deal us.

Turn The Page.....(I had to get RUSH one in)

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Crazy Girl Brian vs. Stupid Boy Brain

Good Morning Class (LOL), and today we are going to discuss an affliction that has not only infected myself, but several of my friends both male and female. The good news is that in most cases it is a very temporary state of mind, the bad news is I believe it is highly contagious and you are most able to catch it when you are at your most vulnerable.

I am speaking, of course of the moment when your own mind starts to turn against you and you acquire the need to be your own worst enemy. This is a widespread problem, and one that I hear people saying all the time. Including myself. Examples:
"I beat myself up much better than you do."
"I will punish myself much better than you or your friends can."
"I'm my own worst critic."
"I don't need a lecture from you when I've already lectured myself."

I know this is a state of mind most of us share, but as usual I started wondering why we do it to ourselves, and I've come to realize it's the Crazy Girl Brian/Stupid Boy Brain neuro pathway. I'm hoping with more awareness perhaps, our science community can come up with a cure. Perhaps we need a huge rock concert event reminiscent of LiveAid from 1985.

This is a warning you should heed when you are infected, it gets WORSE if the person you are talking to is also infected. SO BEWARE.

I've complied a few symptoms, At first I thought they might be gender specific, but I think now that that is just part of the Crazy Girl Brain. I think for the most part these symptoms are for both, or will be noted if gender specific.

Crazy Girl Brain/Stupid Boy Brain Symptoms
1. Fear- fear of the unknown, can make you...
a. paranoid
b. insecure- which leads to low self esteem
2. Low self esteem, which causes....
a. in some people silence and and unwillingness to try to communicate said fear
b. in others, self destructive behavior in an attempt to numb the feelings caused by said fear
3. Infinite wisdom (my personal favorite)which leads you to believe that you...
a. know exactly what the other person feels
b. thinks
c. or believes
4. Self doubt which can lead right back up to number 1. with the following added in for good measure
a. a sudden loss for words or any people/social skills
b. and an belief that you somehow DESERVE whatever treatment or situation you have the Crazy Girl Brain/Stupid Boy Brain over.
c. an added belief that it will NEVER get better nor that you will find happiness.

In my experience I can be fine until I get around a group of my girlfriends or guy-friends who happen to be infected. Once in their presence, the infection grows and mutates. And lately I've been the infected one, so I've kept myself away from my most suseptable friends. You are welcome. :)

These are usually harmless gatherings, sometimes intended to actually make the infected feel better or be cured, but take warning from me. Unless you are very secure in your place in life, job, relationships and ego, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HELP THESE FRIENDS. You may come away with the infection and it is, as I've said, highly contageous.

These are just a few of the symptoms, that can result in being around other people or even talking to your friends when infected:
1. distancing yourself from the very person/people you need the most (I see this one mostly in men as they have more difficulty talking about their feelings in the first place, but recently I, myself have fallen prey to this one)
2. suddenly realizing that your life sucks and you are in the same boat when you are not (suddenly being the operative word here--if you've been thinking about it, then you are probably already infected)
3. cheating on your spouse (grass is always greener syndrome and again, you are infected)
4. falling for the 'soap opera dialogue' syndrome (this one is usually a chick thing and can be summed up best as: not appreciating what he says but HOW he said or didn't say it.....really a bad one. No REAL man talks like a romance novel,ladies--if you want the boys of Twilight, go back to high school!)
5. crying over stupid scenarios in your head that you made up and are convinced they are the truth (see infinite wisdom) or things he said, (okay i made this one a chick thing because if my guy friends cry they certainly don't tell me about it.....needs more research.)
6. not being able to leave a tender moment alone (See Billy Joel--and I made this one a guy thing because they do it all the time. at the very moment when things are getting better they say something they think is funny or talk about the very subject that gave you Crazy Girl Brain to begin with, ONLY because they need something to say and don't know what to do....See no people/social skills above- this is purely Stupid Boy Brain. just comfort the girl, silly man)

I wish i had a list of cures, and things you can do to stop this once it has started, but sadly I do least not this week. Perhaps next week after I give this more thought, or can continue to cure myself of my Crazy Girl Brain.

I will leave you with the best advice I have gotten this week, and it is from Post Secret again, and i quote:

"No matter how far wrong you've gone, you can always turn around."

True that. Peace out.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

To all our moms, both here and gone

I was reading Post Secret this morning, with my coffee, like I do every Sunday, and I came across two secrets that touched my heart, and I have to pass them along. The first one is:

"Dear Mom, Your life made me strong, your passing made me stronger. I am living my life for both of us."

What a beautiful way to cope with the loss of a mother that was obviously well loved and missed, as i miss my own mother. I miss her stories about the hardships of her life growing up in the Midwest during the depression and sending her husband off to WWII as she would have called it. The changes she lived through in the 1950-1980's made her shake her head often at each generation, including mine. born in the 60's late in life for her, she got the chance to grow up again with me, and she did.

The second one was much more poignant:

"To me LOVE will always be my mother holding me, wordlessly, while I cry my heart out, in the dark."

WOW. Did that hit home this week or what? How I wished I could have had her arms around me and her wordless comfort, while i cried my heart out Friday night, Saturday afternoon, and Saturday evening. I think the tears have stopped now, but don't we all think that.

But even more than that, I wish I could have her advice right now. We all get special gifts when we are born, whispered to us by angels, (Like Christopher Walkin in The Prophesy.) Her's was the uncanny ability to see through everyone's bullshit and as much as I ignored her, she was dead on, about all my ex-husbands and most of my friends that she met. I wish I could have had her input on my relationship with my soul mate. I think I know what she would have said from the beginning, and I believe her opinion would have changed as the relationship changed from complete trust and honesty in friendship, to complete regret and paranoia after sex.

Isn't the ego a fabulous device for the complete ruin of your life? You tell yourself all sorts of things to justify your actions, even the really evil ones. And you believe them, with your whole heart.

I had an incredibly life altering, and heart shattering weekend so far, starting on Friday night with three of my favorite young women, one who is a daughter and two who should be. And ending with a six hour on-line conversation with my soul mate that has separated him from my life, perhaps forever. Time will tell. This is the point where I usually talk about it in terms of what 'we' feel. But I can't do that anymore because I don't feel any connection with him today. I did yesterday still, but not today. After the tears, I feel numb and nothing for him. I can't even remember with any joy, or the trembling excitement that would run up my spine, our most intimate moments. The story was tragic from the beginning and will remain so. My hopes for writing it as a romantic comedy, my first, are ripped apart. As I feel ripped away from him.

I was hoping to get over this and save something, but my connection to him has faded behind a wall of his distance and broken love. And is connected, perhaps by one thin tether, strung much too tightly, like the over tuned "B" string on my guitar. (sorry Meg, i over did it. and need new strings....hint, hint...)

I wish it were otherwise, I know many of you were rooting for us, for me to get what I deserve, some happiness. For him to find the strength to make this very difficult decision, but in the light of new information, it was never about strength. He does not love me, he loves her. I know, should have been obvious, but when you are dealing with a man that tells you he loves you as much as her, you believe it. I should have known better, no matter what his words say, actions ALWAYS speak louder.

(looks to the ceiling) "Thanks Mom" (then to the floor) "Or Thanks MOM" For those of you that believe in that kind of thing, and knew my mom, she'll be with Frank Sinatra at the cool table playing poker, by the fire, in HELL. And I'm sure having a blast and giving Satin all the maternal advice he never got, and doesn't want.

So in short, if you have a mom and she is still alive, PLEASE hug and kiss her every day, not just today. If she is gone to play poker with my mom, remember her everyday and take her with you in your life. We always need our moms, no matter how old we get. They are our strength in times of trouble, and as much as we hate it, their advice is almost always worth listening to, and usually correct. So listen to your moms' or risk the mothers curse. "May you have children just like you!" be careful, that works. I did. (feel sorry for me. LOL)

Cheers, see you next week.