Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Block - Learned behavior vs Feelings

So as most of you know, since The Ides of March, I've had a new and different point of view where my crush, and writing companion is involved.  And it's been both better and worse.  I hadn't realized just how much he had been a part of my life until he was gone.  I've been able to get so much more done, being with friends, enjoying my favorite pastimes of reading and watching movies, and I actually CLEANED ALL THE THINGS yesterday, and the house looks and smells wonderful.  And my job has improved 100% I'm making all my goals every week now (3rd week in a row, and if I made it last week it will be 4 and I'll be on my way to a bonus)  I feel so accomplished in every facet of my life, except two.

The first is no surprise. . . relationships.  In fact before my last crush I was completely happy to be single and had learned to live alone and love it.  That is the problem. . . I LEARNED it.  Didn't realize I wasn't FEELING it until he came along and opened up that dusty chest of feelings I had locked away.  It's a good thing that it's open, it's just unfortunate that Cupid didn't strike us both at the same time.  Next time I'm hoping Cupid's aim is more accurate.

The second is quite unexpected and one I am sure I can control, which is also a good thing, but I'm at a loss as to HOW.  I'm blocked.  I haven't written a word on my novel (and sadly the first draft was so close to completion) since our last blow up and my new LEARNED behavior.  I know, I know, it's not good because I'm not FEELING it, but with time I hope to.  I hadn't realized how much I looked forward to our writing together, and his not so patient waiting for my next chapter, until it was gone.  He was such a good audience to write to.  And he still says he wants to read it and hopes I can finish it, but I'm holding back now, not him.  He is being honest with me, he's trying to remain my friend, trying against impossible odds, and my ever changing moods where he is concerned must be a constant confusion to him. But I keep telling myself I was a successful writer with actual finished stories before we met, and began our friendship/partnership/whatever that was on top there. . . , and I will be again.  But how?

I've toyed with the idea of locking myself away today since I have a Sunday with nothing planned to distract me, . . .and laundry beckons, but that is a normal part of Sunday writing for me. . . one errand is poking it's ugly head up at me, but really how long will that take, not long. . . so I still should be able to quietly sit down with my open documents and maybe even a glass of wine and reread where I was last month and continue.  I've even toyed with the idea of going back and doing my second draft before the first is finished.....NOT recommended, by any successful writer, but alas, I'm desperate.  I've even toyed with the idea of trying to write with him today as he offered an invitation to do so, as he feels 'ready' to try that again.  I know he's been more successful at trying to write since our blow up but not enough to submit any work for editing, so he may be just as blocked and not telling me, who knows anymore.  I'm convinced that what he tells me and what he feels are two very different things, and I'm not so sure any of them are good for me.  I've convinced myself that he never cared, and I know that is wrong but it keeps the fires of hate and anger burning just enough to keep me away from him, which is what I think I need.  What I've LEARNED I need.  Not what I FEEL I need.  What I FEEL I need he can't and won't give me, and rightly so if his words are to be believed because he doesn't love me anymore.  (and maybe never did.  and he certainly knows he never will)  You really can't fight that kind of self assuredness.  And I won't try.  I myself have made choices in the past based on those exact feelings.  And while they felt like the best choices and the obvious ones that would make me happy, I was more wrong than I knew then.  I'm not saying he is wrong, only that I was, and my experience is screaming for justice.  (this is how Doug must have felt banging he head against my wall for two years. .  . I guess this is my Karma, as NOW I know just how frustrating it is to be in love with someone who has suddenly decided to not feel anything for you anymore.  Doug tried for two years after I married. . . I felt sorry for him.  I refuse to be pitied by my crush.)

He says he doesn't read my blog anymore, he's tired of coming off as a petulant child or bastard, and I can't blame him, but if he feels that way, then he wasn't really reading it anyway.  He missed all the love and desire and longing, and the ways I always made myself out to be as much to blame for our current state of affairs.  I guess the real problem is I miss him the way we were when we were happiest, and I can't get back to that point.  I'd like to build from where we are, but again I don't know how.  I guess it will have to be with LEARNED feelings until they become my real FEELINGS.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I've tried blocking him and making myself invisible, only to undo it before he even knows I've done it.  I wish it didn't feel so wrong to leave him, but a part of my soul just won't let me.  I'm not sure how I feel about that either.  No matter what I'm determined to at least open my documents today and stare at the pages, and hope one of my characters is so anxious to tell me what happens next that I can't stop writing until it's time to sleep.  It's happened before, several times, it could again. . .

Wish me luck.  

Sunday, April 17, 2011

The Wedding and MINE! MINE!

The most adorable wedding of the season happened yesterday to a couple I've known for over 20 years, longer than my daughter has been alive.  A very old friend of mine parents just got married.  (very old...he's 40-Hereafter known as My Adopted Little Brother)  Yes you heard that right his mother and her long time love finally decided to get hitched.  They are quickly approaching retirement age, but that didn't stop them both from living life and celebrating their love with us all.

Attending this warm ceremony did three things for me:
1.  It reminded me that it is never too late in life to find true love and celebrate it.
2.  It reminded me of how alone I am.  I felt more single with them all then I ever do in the Twin Cities with my other married friends. . .that is a real i that shallow?  Am I that focused on myself that I felt like a square peg in a round hole being stag?  I know one other thing it showed me while I'm on this topic.  I can't be around this group and not miss my ex that I was dating during that time.  Maybe I just missed his presence.  And not just having him on my arm, which is impossible now, as he is otherwise engaged emotionally, but it would have been nice to just see him and his wife out having a good time together.  Maybe that would have had me miss the idea of him less.  I don't know, it's a puzzle, but one I'm bound to figure out, given enough time and thought.
 3.  The preacher and his wife and congregation were something out of a Stephen King Dark Tower/Needful Things/teener episode. The writer in me couldn't resist giving them each a worthy and appropriately evil role in my imagination of how they hypnotize the otherwise 'normal' town and bring out the more animalistic nature. . but i digress.

My favorite observation of the night is without a doubt a story that I heard from two different sources, and each had a slightly different version of the story, depending on their point of view.  I will condense it into the complete version as heard from all, but keep in mind each star had their own 'innocent' point of view of how this actually happened.  Names changed to protect the guilty. (clears throat)

My Separated At Birth Littlest Brother has a VERY large sweet tooth. . . My Adopted Little Brother, and Mr Tumbling Down After both know this, and I had commented in front of by brother's wives and them (individually of course) that My Littlest Brother was continuing to pull quite a LARGE amount of jelly beans out of his pocket.  (jelly beans were on every table at the reception tied up in nice white netting and in small enough sizes to be palmed quite easily and pocketed. . . hum.....) My Littlest Brother was only grinning ear to ear at this comment and looking at me like this couldn't surprise me.  The story ensued to impress and confound me.

It was Oktoberfest and on this yearly celebration the 3 hour long parade is famous for floats from area business and charities, which throw candy out to all the children lining the parade route with their slightly drunk and hung over parents.   GREAT Wisconsin tradition and one we all attend.  These couples were there as usual and Mr. Tumbling Down After 'dared' My Separated At Birth Littlest Brother with the following "I dare you to go out there and get some candy."  Now of course he denied daring, although when questioned admitted he was pretty drunk at the time and might have, bringing a familiar chuckle from My Adopted Little Brother and making me wonder if he hadn't instigated the entire thing from the shadows.  My Separated At Birth Littlest Brother smiled like a cat stalking the elusive cream, and continued, "I waited, and when the next float came by and the candy was thrown, the kids all ran and jumped for the candy, and I LEAPED OVER them all screaming "MINE!  MINE!"  I couldn't resist seeing Gollum in this image of him.  My Adopted Little Brother and Mr. Tumbling After both gave me great expressions of the children's faces as they cowered in fear from the image of this adult man grabbing candy away from them.

As My Separated At Birth Littlest Brother sauntered back to his friends, with his fists full of candy My Adopted Little Brother says, "Really?  Really, man?  You could BUY candy."  The smiles from each of their wives were 'all knowing', as was mine.

I love this story, and it reminds me of why I love them all so much, and miss them in my life.  I  will try to see them more often, maybe it will make me feel less alone with them and more like myself.  Wish me luck in trying, it's hard for me to walk across burnt bridges, even if they are still standing.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Dear Saudade Its 12 days. . . but whos counting?

My mind jumps now
From topic to topic like some spastic addict looking for a score
My thoughts go to him
Is he happy? Does he miss me? Does he care at all?
I want to talk to him
My pride stops me, with door slamming urgency
I miss him
Everything we gave to each others life, has he replaced me?

Wow.   Where did that come from?  Oh yea. . . .I remember now.
Yesterday I was mending fences with an internet friend from Canada that is in a very similar situation to mine.  Only she's the one that's married and a friend of mine is her 'Saudade'.  Being that he's a good friend of mine when they have a falling out, like my friend and I did 12 days ago. . . I get, well, quiet.  Trying my best not to take sides, but be supportive and honest in my advice.  I find it very interesting that in a space of 72 hours they both had asked me for advice.  Honestly she and I haven't talked in a while and I was never sure why.  I got some suggestions from  my friend and some from her and with most stories both seem almost right, and the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.  It was good to talk with her and before we knew it most of the morning was gone chatting about what we did right and what we did wrong.

You see she recently told him that they were through too.  Just like I had to with my married friend.  The parallels are kind of spooky.  My friend and I both live in towns with La proceeding the city name and both our married friends live in towns with the same name but in different countries.  The married ones are both kind of shy and less likely to stir up a confrontation, my friend and I are not shy and more than willing to confront our issues.  It's just with these two we are so enamored that we find ourselves giving way.  And doing things we normally would not do, out of love for them.  They have both chosen to try to make things work with their spouses, she is not in a happy marriage, and he doesn't talk about happiness, he talks about 'reason and logic' being the only true guides and the heart leading him to ruin.  I'm glad I was his heart.  I'd much rather be his passion than his reason, IF I have to choose.  Because I believe that true passion never dies.

Long story short, both of us girls really want to talk to the boys, but we either don't believe they would be receptive, or we are afraid it would start all over again.  All the longing, and love and desire, and wishful thinking, and then the resentment that they are alive but not with us would kick in.  In her case she fully understands that its her choice to be without my friend, and hopes he will someday understand that she had to let him go for him to find happiness, and for her to figure out her life.

My friend has tried to contact me twice in the 12 days I blew up over something stupid that forced us to see the larger picture of why.  Of course this means he misses me and cares.  Even if he's not saying it, and contacting me with any excuse he can think of.  I believe he wants to talk to me but doesn't know what to say.  It's funny actually.  All I need to hear to pause this on a good note from him is, "I miss you, I love you, and if I'm ever single I'll call you."  short sweet and too the point.

I've discovered his romantic side again while reading these books he suggested for me.  I'm almost done with the second one, (read all day yesterday, couldn't put it down.  Mad Ship by Robin Hobb.  It's a pirate/dragon/sea serpent/triad against slavery/fantasy novel. . . where the romantic entanglements remind me of us.  Two couples in the series are so like us it makes me curious for how the series ends.  I wish I could share it with him.  Somehow I feel closer to him while reading them)

Last night there was a brilliant thunderstorm complete with lightning, and it forced me to remember our fantasies in the summer rain.  And our realities on our hike and getting caught in a short shower.  I remember him fondly, and I always will.  I just need time to fall out of love with him.  Maybe then I can be his friend again.  The scary thing to me is that it's been a year and five months now and I still love him.  It doesn't seem to be going away for me.  I think I still know his heart.  It's the 'think' in that sentence that bothers me.

12 days and I guess, I'm counting.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Sunday Sunday And Pat McCurdy!

And I'm Back!  (thank you AC/DC) What a great time at the Alpine last night for Pat's last show of the season for La Crosse.  I'm glad I caught him in the cities last weekend, and this weekend was quite as memorable.  All of the Pat regulars that I know were there, and Georgia got some great pictures, as usual.  Even managed to catch me on stage singing Sex and Beer.  The truth is out.  And while I love the intimate closeness of seeing Pat at the Alpine, I have to admit that O' Gara's in the Cities is a much nicer venue.  The size of the stage and the room to dance around makes the show even more enjoyable.  Not to mention that Pat does three sets there and only two in La Crosse.  I couldn't help but miss my new Pat virgins from last week (HI!)  and hope that they will be able to catch him next season in the Cities or here on a visit.  I purchased one of his CD's last night just to keep my sated until then.  (shakes head and smiles. . .  .I must admit I am a fan now.  I'll have to spend some time putting this and my new CD from April onto my laptop today)

This is my first Sunday without my writing partner, and I'm starting, finally, to feel like I want to finish my novel.  Without him.  This has also happened much faster than I thought it would.  But after all I was a writer before I met him and I will remain one without him in my life.  I wonder about him though.  .  .  I found out that he deleted both his blogs.  I found that strange.  I know he's not enjoyed several of the comments of my best friend.  (Go Erin!  Keep true to yourself.)  or my last two, most probably, even though we never discussed them.  But to delete the blogs, rather than just the individual comments, if they offended.  I found that very childish, and foolish.  I would never delete my blogs out of comments, or because of a temper tantrum like. . "I don't want her to read anything I've written, I'll show her. . .I'll just erase it all from existence?!"  Seems like a waste to me.  Seems like the kind of spite that would cut off your nose to spite your face.  Seems like he lost, rather than me.  Oh I'm sure he has started a new blog somewhere I don't know about, but to try to erase the past like that.  All reminder of me in his life.  I find that not only childish but something he may regret in the future.  And if you can't stumble upon a mistake from your past how do you ever hope to learn from it?

No.  I will not do that.  I will not erase him nor any of the others, from my memory.  They are all safe in their prospective places, where I can remind myself what I learned from each experience both good and bad in loving them.  They are an important part of who I am now.  And I like myself now.

Heres to not being too hung over. . . or maybe I'm still drunk. . . lol. . . Cheers.