Sunday, August 8, 2010

If I Could Wave My Magic Wand....

I'm at a real crossroads today, and I'm hoping that my day goes more in the positive vein than negative. I'll give you an example of what I mean. I'm a cancer by sun sign, and we are a moody bunch to begin with, as the most emotional signs we are the most in tune with not only our emotions but the emotions of our loved ones. That's why when two cancers get together watch out! Passionate--hell yes. Loving and thoughtful toward each other--always, its in our nature. Do we believe it--hardly ever, only because we are not use to getting from someone what we give to others. THAT is where the challenge comes in....convincing each other that we really do care. Odd, isn't it? And whether or not you 'believe' in this kind of thing, it rings true for me. And like everything I write, it's all for me. So onward.

My crossroads today is that I'm in a FANTASTIC mood, a wonderful feeling that started yesterday and just keeps going. A very warm and pleasant 'feedback' from my cancer gut and intuition. Which I trust completely and which is rarely wrong. For my consistent followers, you will remember that I'm blessed with a best friend with benefits, a fellow cancer, who I feel very connected to. So much so that it's been one of the most rewarding and yet difficult relationships of my life. The rewards still outweigh the problematic circumstances. So we communicate, and share just about everything in our lives. And it's a wonderful feeling to be needed and loved, and cherished just for who I am.

Unfortunately, I'm so not used to getting this emotion from anyone, especially a man that is interested in me not only mentally but physically. I'm a disbeliever from the beginning. A self-saboteur, if you own worst enemy. It is very difficult for him as to understand why I just don't believe him. Well, I'm sure I would much longer periods of time, if he were not in his own sticky circumstance of being emotionally engaged elsewhere.

I'm finding myself not so much torn in any decisions I've made, anymore. Believe me there was a lot of that. every two weeks sometimes.. and I'm sure it appeared to him that my heart changes overnight (RUSH song cue for those of you that are super fans like me). But that is not me. In fact, like most cancers, I'm loyal to a fault, and trust and believe in him without question, or I wouldn't still be available to him.

No, I'm finding myself more at the cross roads of what will happen once he's married? Will we change at all? Will he suddenly become distant, and gone to me, or will this piece of paper really change anything. With those questions in mind I was reading PostSecret this morning like I do every Sunday morning
and I came across a post card that read, "I cried more when Jim and Pam got married than at any REAL wedding" and I thought...."WOW! That is harsh." and I immediately wondered who had sent it, a man or woman, and did they feel like I did, that this upcoming wedding wasn't a real wedding, but a ceremony.

I suppose some of you might argue that it's possible for a person to love two people the same, at the same time. I think I've actually walked a mile in those shoes too. I wonder if it's something that lasts when it occurs? If eventually one love greatly outshines the other?

So I'm waiting to see what happens. And I know this sounds like morbid curiosity and completely damaging to my emotions, but I assure you, if I get hurt, it won't only be me. I know it will hurt him too, and I don't want that anymore than he does.

So for those of you who believe, 'I deserve better' or 'I'm wasting my time' or 'I just don't want to see you get hurt' I'm hoping you are all Negative Nelly's and that a positive outcome will happen in time. Besides, you never know what the future will bring. And to say that anything except death is forever, is a fools statement.

I want to believe that my life is a fantastic journey and that I should experience everything that life puts in front of me. I don't believe that we are done yet. And so I wait and watch, and try to be a good best friend. Maybe this is the challenge I'm suppose to have now in my life. Maybe he's making the wrong choice. Maybe I am. No one knows for sure. And hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20......

Now where did I put that Time Machine??? :D

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