Sunday, June 26, 2011

The Jimmy Buffett Experience

So that happened.  Another thing I can check off my list of things I've never done.  And this one is two fold.  One was to experience the concert tailgate, the other is to see Jimmy Buffett.  I know it's hard to believe at 48 years old that I've never done a tailgate.  Its not that I don't listen to bands with that kind of loyal following, its just that I've never been associated with friends that want to tailgate.  But this time is different.  I have a friend who had an extra ticket to Jimmy Buffett and asked me to go with her, and I said yes.  Mostly for the experience.  I have to admit that prior to the concert I was not what you could call fan.  I only remembered one song, the Margaritaville one.  Oh and the Cheeseburger in Paradise one. . .oh and that one about Monday morning, you know the love song, Come Monday, and the one about the Volcano. .  and well you get the idea.  Turns out that even people that aren't admit they are true Jimmy Buffett fans know some Jimmy songs.  So while I was the virgin on this tailgate, and my name badge proudly proclaimed me as "The Woman To Blame", I threw myself into my first concert tailgate.

And let me tell you, it was not as wild as I was afraid it might be, which is frankly fine with me.  Don't get me wrong there were wild ones out there.  It did have its moments of good old fashioned lets get the girls drunk and have them play games like:  Show us your tits or kiss a woman Plinko, and there was a nice group of men who had a shower you could use if you felt the tailgate grime, of course it was a topless shower.  And while I smiled at 'boys being boys', and looked on with the rest, you'll be happy to know I did not join in.  Absolutely not my style, while I have low self esteem, I do not have attention or daddy issues.  That is private fun, and I'm afraid you have to earn that with me.  Other than the drunk people, who are very entertaining to watch, there were a lot of just great people.  Most in costumes ranging from grass skirts and Hawaiian shirts, to full garbed Pirates and their first mates.  Some groups even had matching t-shirts with sexy and 'punny' nick names on the back.  Even the cars were decked out with shark fins and painted windows proclaiming their 'Buffett Bound' or Fin status (Fins to the left!)  Grilling with my tailgate group of about 5 or 6 cars, and hanging with the Pat-Heads or Parrot-Heads as they were that day, was very good fun.  We played games, and drank more than normal.  It was an overcast day, and even with sunscreen I'm still red on my face, should have kept my straw hat on.  oh well.
The concert itself was a great show.  He's an old music biz legend, and has the money to put on a good show.  lots of pretty lights and four big screens at Alpine Valley, which he took advantage of.  No lasers or fireworks or big rock star special effects, but it none of that would have felt right either.  With the 30, 000 people in attendance he somehow managed to make it intimate.  Not an easy accomplishment, but one he managed to pull off as easily as you and I do breathing.  I know he couldn't see me. up on the 7th party deck, stage right of the huge seating arena, and beside the famous sloping field that is Alpine Valley.  But it didn't matter, if felt like he was telling me every story before every song, and singing every song right to me. . . The Woman To Blame.  I sang along where I could, danced to the island beat (my favorite part and my legs hate me), and drank and thought of the ones that got away, the life mistakes I've made and WWJD or "What Would Jimmy Do"
And the answer?  Well, I need a boat, and an island, and tequila to really show you, and like Jimmy I feel like a pirate born 200 years too late, and that there is always a woman to blame, and a cheeseburger in paradise would go down really good right now.  And I know come Monday everything's alright, but I still want you back by my side.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Fate Has Bad Timing

"Fate controls who walks into your life.  You decide who you let walk out, who you let stay and who you refuse to let go."

Have you ever wondered why?  Why Fate chose to have THAT person walk into your life?  Maybe even screamed aloud in frustration to the roof, "WHY NOW?"
Have you ever wondered why?  When you think you finally have it all worked out, that is when someone walks into your life that spins your whole world out of control, and makes you rethink EVERYTHING you thought was truth, or even everyone that you thought made you happy?
Have you ever wondered why? That person that Fate wove into your life thread, was suddenly woven out or cut off?

I've read all the sappy poems about how some people are suppose to be in your life for a season.....I hate those poems.  That doesn't give me comfort at all.  It just makes me more bitter.  What if I want that person for a lifetime, not a season?  What if I'm sure that connections like that don't just fall out of the sky into my lap everyday?  What if I'm sure that this is some tragic mistake, some awful waking nightmare, and no matter how hard I try I can't wake up?  How do you get over someone you can't stop thinking about?  He's like a program running constantly in the background of my mind,(he said that about me once) and when it's quite like now, he is in the foreground.  How could I have been so wrong about his feelings, when for a lifetime, my impressions and intuitions have been dead on in the area of feelings and emotions?

I'll tell you how.  Fate has bad timing, and a is a cold heartless bitch with her sense of humor.  This is not funny, and this is not teaching me anything.  What was it I promised myself last year?  Oh yes, when being with him was more painful than being without him, I'd stop.   I wonder if stopping will make me happier in time?  I wonder if I'll miss him more and more each day like every other time I've tried to leave him, or if this time he will just fade away like so many others that hardly ever cross my mind.  I can't believe that I, the woman that always was so strong and committed, the one that always saw what she wanted and went for it, and got it, is giving up.  Is walking away.  Is admitting defeat by a man that is so afraid of experiencing his feelings, he vows to never be that dependent on another human again.  I really hate the woman that broke his heart, she broke him, and he doesn't even see it.  He thinks he's strong now, and in reality the only thing he learned, is how not to feel.  My proof of this is that he told me last year that I awoke feelings in him he thought were dead.  Remember readers he was engaged at the time.  Proves that true stubbornness trumps true desire every time.  And releasing yourself to true love and emotions knowing you might get hurt is real strength.  And I have that in spades.

As the 'Finance To The Daughter I Never Had' said to me last year, "Its a good thing that your heart is broken and you can really feel all of this, it means you can still feel."  Thank you, you were right.  Is leaving him the secret to getting back to myself?  I think it might be, but I'm so afraid to do it.  Afraid for my heart, mind and my novel.  This one and future ones.  We really are such a good team when writing.  I think that once I finish this novel I'm on, this character study of these two lovers, will make a wonderfully frustrating book.  I just can't write it until I know the end.  And I won't know the end until I'm strong enough to make an ending happen, one way or the other.

(DISCLAIMER:  I wrote all of that on Tuesday, and for five days I have not tried to contact him.  He has e-mailed me his newest chapter and yesterday caught me on line to ask how I was.  And it has been easier and better not talking to him.  While talking to him yesterday did not make me sad, it also did not make me want him.  I was already heartbroken because my children decided to tell me that I have the exact same deficiencies that my last boss did.  So this means I'm a failure with all my personal relationships, professional and personal.  Where my self esteem was low before, now it's at rock bottom.  However talking to him yesterday did make me feel good, and in the exact way a friend should.  I did feel better with his honest opinion and his faith in me that I will sort it all out in time.  He also confirmed that he did want to be my friend and would give me the time I needed.  This felt like a relief rather than an additional heartbreak, for I do want him in my life, but not dishonestly.  Not with a hidden agenda or worse with a pathetic hope he will divorce his wife.   This is good progress, and I believe I am on the right track.  Limited communication might be okay if it's about out novels, and of course important news friend to friend.  But no more endless hours of just waiting for each other to have a minute to say something, no more every morning and every evening having to say hello and good night.  I'm not allowing him to do that anymore, nor am i allowing myself to be there.

The journey continues and I've got a rather sharp, rocky incline blocking my way, but I'm up to the task.  Wish me luck.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Spontaneous Moments are the Most Honest

Ever had one?  Hopefully you've had several, but have you ever noticed its the real spontaneous moments in your life that stand out?  Not always the planed vacations or the big events, but some little moment that happened you weren't expecting.  Maybe even on that planned vacation or big event, but still, something that just clicked and made the moment forever emblazoned in your mind. . .
     Like the first time your eyes meet and you both shyly look away, or even better, the first time your eyes meet and you keep trying to look away but find yourselves staring, with comfortable silence and trying to fill the conversation with anything to seem interesting?
     Or the first time you hear a favorite song on the car stereo and you can't believe that he likes it too, and not only does he turn it up, but sings it with you, or even better while singing takes your hand and you never had to say a thing?
     How about the first time you get the nerve up to ask for that first kiss, and it happens, and it's like no kiss you have ever had before or since?

Such honest feelings behind each one of those moments, surely they ended in happy relationships?

I'll tell you something about spontaneous moments.  No matter whether they are ecstatically happy or gut wrenchingly sad they ALWAYS open a door to an emotion that you either long for, and embrace with a joy you have not felt in maybe forever, or you run from with a fear you cannot express or explain.  This is why they are the most honest of moments and the ones you most remember.

You can't hide from yourself, or rationalize away your feelings in a spontaneous moment, like you can when you've had time to think about it.  You can't run.  You can't lie to yourself and force an almost unbearable compromise.  If we all made our choices following our spontaneous moments, our honest feelings, we'd be happier.  I know it's not always easy to make these decisions, they often times are the hardest ones.  But I've heard it said before that the hardest decisions usually reap the best rewards.  And that something worth fighting for is something worth keeping.

Try not to live your life in fear of what might happen, and just do it.  If you think you are happy in a compromise, you are confusing happy with comfortable.  If you think you are happy in a compromise, just think how much happier you would be if you had everything you dreamed or secretly desired.  Aren't you worth your own dreams? 


Sunday, June 5, 2011

Unemployment = Zero

I've just created the perfect equation for the way we feel when unemployed, and while it's absolutely correct it is also just as equally wrong.  I know, I know, you are thinking, 'Well, no work equals no money.'  and you'd be correct.  But its wrong in what we do to ourselves when we are unemployed.  We put so much stock into what we do for a living, in many cases it defines us, not just what we do, but who we are.  For some of us this is such an important part of our self image, that without a job, we feel like a big fat zero.  Which is wrong.

Yesterday, I was dreading going to a graduation party for one of my friends kids.  And it was for this very reason that I was hesitant to attend.  I didn't want to be THAT person at the party.  The one that looks down or away or quickly answers and then gives a long narrative on WHY they are unemployed.  I didn't want to do that... I ended up doing that each time someone asked me, "So what's new with you?"  And I was fine with just trying to talk about that, my kids, (one in college, one works in TV), my kids relationships, (one is still living life and looking at her options, the other is in a 'domestic partnership'-- I think that's what the kids are calling it this month), , my friends, (OMG that will take hours, lets just say they are all very interesting and have very interesting lives, that's BS, but the ones that have boring lives, even I don't want to hear about so I'll spare you) , That I'm not seeing anyone special yet, (and if he's cute) Why?(while smiling and batting my eyes. . .  still works), my screenplay, my weekly blog, starting on the second draft of my first fantasy novel.

The writing is the part that usually gets a raised eyebrow of accomplishment, but  inevitably if I didn't offer the information about "What I was doing for a living" they would ask, and that accomplishment goes from a risen precipice of , "Wow that's cool,." to the plunging depths of "Oh, I see."  or "Oh, I'm sorry."  or the worst one because it gets me 'explaining'  "Oh,what happened?"

I don't know why it makes me feel so much like that big, fat zero when I don't have a job to list after that question, as if being a mother, and single parent, and good friend, and all that creative writing isn't enough to define me.  Hell I don't even mind saying I'm single.  I have been for so long now that really feels like who I am, and I'm proud of who I am. . . well, I guess except for the unemployment part.  And for those of you like me who feel like everyone is staring at you just because you aren't working, or your job sucks, or it's well beneath your abilities, well you understand the weight of that question and how it makes you feel pity for yourself and out of control of your own life.

Well I've got news for people like us.  It's stupid.  You heard me, it's stupid to feel like this, and make your job or what you happen to be doing for a living right now, your definition of who you are, or worse yet, have that control your happiness.  Or your self esteem.  Time to start answering that question with a mysterious smile of confidence and security, and say, "Work? Oh, I don't work.  How about you?" (don't forget to bat your eyes....still works)