I was reading Post Secret this morning, with my coffee, like I do every Sunday, and I came across two secrets that touched my heart, and I have to pass them along. The first one is:
"Dear Mom, Your life made me strong, your passing made me stronger. I am living my life for both of us."
What a beautiful way to cope with the loss of a mother that was obviously well loved and missed, as i miss my own mother. I miss her stories about the hardships of her life growing up in the Midwest during the depression and sending her husband off to WWII as she would have called it. The changes she lived through in the 1950-1980's made her shake her head often at each generation, including mine. born in the 60's late in life for her, she got the chance to grow up again with me, and she did.
The second one was much more poignant:
"To me LOVE will always be my mother holding me, wordlessly, while I cry my heart out, in the dark."
WOW. Did that hit home this week or what? How I wished I could have had her arms around me and her wordless comfort, while i cried my heart out Friday night, Saturday afternoon, and Saturday evening. I think the tears have stopped now, but don't we all think that.
But even more than that, I wish I could have her advice right now. We all get special gifts when we are born, whispered to us by angels, (Like Christopher Walkin in The Prophesy.) Her's was the uncanny ability to see through everyone's bullshit and as much as I ignored her, she was dead on, about all my ex-husbands and most of my friends that she met. I wish I could have had her input on my relationship with my soul mate. I think I know what she would have said from the beginning, and I believe her opinion would have changed as the relationship changed from complete trust and honesty in friendship, to complete regret and paranoia after sex.
Isn't the ego a fabulous device for the complete ruin of your life? You tell yourself all sorts of things to justify your actions, even the really evil ones. And you believe them, with your whole heart.
I had an incredibly life altering, and heart shattering weekend so far, starting on Friday night with three of my favorite young women, one who is a daughter and two who should be. And ending with a six hour on-line conversation with my soul mate that has separated him from my life, perhaps forever. Time will tell. This is the point where I usually talk about it in terms of what 'we' feel. But I can't do that anymore because I don't feel any connection with him today. I did yesterday still, but not today. After the tears, I feel numb and nothing for him. I can't even remember with any joy, or the trembling excitement that would run up my spine, our most intimate moments. The story was tragic from the beginning and will remain so. My hopes for writing it as a romantic comedy, my first, are ripped apart. As I feel ripped away from him.
I was hoping to get over this and save something, but my connection to him has faded behind a wall of his distance and broken love. And is connected, perhaps by one thin tether, strung much too tightly, like the over tuned "B" string on my guitar. (sorry Meg, i over did it. and need new strings....hint, hint...)
I wish it were otherwise, I know many of you were rooting for us, for me to get what I deserve, some happiness. For him to find the strength to make this very difficult decision, but in the light of new information, it was never about strength. He does not love me, he loves her. I know, should have been obvious, but when you are dealing with a man that tells you he loves you as much as her, you believe it. I should have known better, no matter what his words say, actions ALWAYS speak louder.
(looks to the ceiling) "Thanks Mom" (then to the floor) "Or Thanks MOM" For those of you that believe in that kind of thing, and knew my mom, she'll be with Frank Sinatra at the cool table playing poker, by the fire, in HELL. And I'm sure having a blast and giving Satin all the maternal advice he never got, and doesn't want.
So in short, if you have a mom and she is still alive, PLEASE hug and kiss her every day, not just today. If she is gone to play poker with my mom, remember her everyday and take her with you in your life. We always need our moms, no matter how old we get. They are our strength in times of trouble, and as much as we hate it, their advice is almost always worth listening to, and usually correct. So listen to your moms' or risk the mothers curse. "May you have children just like you!" be careful, that works. I did. (feel sorry for me. LOL)
Cheers, see you next week.
Well dear one, heart strings concern me more than guitar strings but seeing as I can't fix the one but the other is pretty easy to lay hands on... Perhaps a suitable metaphor for trying too hard to pursue in one direction that which, in fact, lies in another? My favorite thing about love, and a good reminder every time I get sloppy in love, is that one way or the other EVERYONE leaves you in time. Seems strange that it makes the pain less, but it does for me. I tend to not take others for granted, remember that life is long (we hope) and mysterious, and the only thing we can control is our own actions.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Megan for your honest and thoughtful words, and the guitar string metaphor....love it, it's why you are still my most loyal editor. I tend to forget the simple fact that nothing is forever, and brood on my X-Man power of making mountains out of mole hills. See you in July, if not before.
ReplyDeleteI'm late, but better late than never.
ReplyDeleteI love you and am so very proud of you. Since this oneis far past and I think we spoke about it already....I'll move to the next post.