Sunday, August 29, 2010

RUSH....and then some....

Welcome to my blog from my son's house! Isn't technology wonderful? I even figured out how to get here on his high tech programs and big screen hook up all by my own self. :)

Now on to this weeks events...first up RUSH!

Our particular show had its share of technical issues (while Aqualung played over and over as they tried in vain to figure it out). And started only 15 minutes late, without the opening movie, or any movies for the first four songs. Sad day. But they did then get it rigged so they could live feed us what they were able to project on the big screen to the outer screens so once again even our floor seats were good seats. The floor is always a challenge, not for the squeamish nor the short. I was on my tip toes for three hours and the muscles behind my knees are paying for it today. I was also alternating between dancing and doing the pogo with Geddy for three hours. My concert partner, my son's girlfriend, said "Boxers don't get that much exercise!" HA! I guess I was very, 'in the moment'

But my concert story has more to do with me as a person, than the show. You don't need me to review a concert that you already know is good, so I won't. But this story, for those of you that know me, is better. When Megan and I got to the Park N Ride (the only way to travel to and from a concert at the State Fair) the bus was just getting there. So we hurried and parked on the street (lot was full....stress) and ran to get a seat. Whew! barely making it, but feeling now that we would have tons of time, as it was 6:30....and hour to spare before show time!

Half way to the venue, I realized I'd left my State Fair ticket that I'd purchased on line weeks ago, to save time, in my the car....back at the Park N Ride lot....somewhere ELSE in the Twin Cities. GRRRR. STRESS. Oh well, so I'm out 11 bucks. I'll just get another one...hope it doesn't take too long....hope there aren't lines.....RIGHT.

I get to the booth, no line! I'm blessed by the Ti-fecta that is RUSH, and I say to the guy,"You won't believe this but I left my ticket in the car." "Where's your car." "Far away." "OH no. We'll if I were working the gate, you'd get in free. Here sign this. and here you go." And I pay for my new ticket, sign my receipt, he gives me another receipt that I assume is my receipt and nothing else. so i figure this is also my ticket when purchased at the gate, and run to the next dude.

Next dude, asks me for my ticket, and I cheerfully hand him my receipt, and he looks at me like I'm from Mars. My cheerful expression fades as I look into his hand and see all manor of colored tickets, like movie stub tickets, in purple and blue, and not like my shiny new receipt at all. I say, "What? That's what he gave me." "Are you sure?" Am I sure....."YES." I say back knowing that there must be some mistake, it's not me, and I am getting in. Even if I have to make a run for it. So while first gate dude is pondering how to tell me to leave and go back and get my ticket the line behind me is starting to look like an on ramp in Los Angeles, where any second now people will be doing the equivalent of honking, or changing lanes. Second Gate Dude (who only looks about a year older that the young man still pondering over my receipt) comes over and says, "Let me look at that" and pulls me to the side like at the air port before the scary security men show up with hand cuffs. I can see that this man is going to make an executive decision, and I wait....hoping it will be in my favor. But my internal stress level is saying, 'Am I going to have to go back to the ticket dude and hope he remembers my story and me out of every one else and remember that he did not give me a ticket...or am I going to have to buy yet another ticket at 11 bucks....making this the most expensive walk across a parking lot in history.' Finally second gate dude says, "Okay go on in." "YES!" then just as quickly, "No wait." I come to a screeching halt and look to my concert buddy who is already in with her perfect purple ticket and watching me with a hopeful look on her face. Then second gate dude, takes my receipt and tears it in half!!! *This is the funny part.....WTF creature of habit thing is that to do, and what purpose did it serve?? Then he says as he hands back my half and actually keeps his half, "Force of habit" and I quickly get out of there before he can change his mind again.

After that, the bands technical issues seemed like nothing to me. I knew what they felt like as the movies didn't run right, or sometimes at all. As Geddy's keyboards lost a program or the sound man lost the feed during Subdivisions....but he kept playing so I figure he might be able to hear through his monitor. (Next song was fine, so I'm betting program) As Ged's monitor gave out on him during the second new song, Caravan, and he had to stop singing in the middle of the verse to catch up to the rest of the band,(I sang it for him along with others) they are such consummate musicians that it was only a few measures before they were back together and Ged singing as if nothing happened. And during Far Cry, before 2112, La Villa and Working Man, I heard Ged's voice crack, just like mine, as I'd been singing along all night, and I was happy for him that he had a lot of instrumentals coming up in the set, and his voice was back for the final vocal. Sounds like I'm picking on Ged, but I'm not. I love them all and they played their hearts out (On Alex's birthday no less) to a crowd that in my opinion was on Valium for the second half of the show. This is why I hate State Fair's for concert venues...too many tourists...not enough REAL fans. And of course I was a leader in my section of screaming in the right place to be heard or lead them all in spontaneous cheer for an effect or musical greatness I knew was coming (was my 9th time Friday I've seen a few of these songs before....;)

What a great concert! All I can tell the RUSH fans out there is if you have not seen The Time Machine Tour and still have a chance to see these incredible musicians entertain you for three hours (at their age!) and still sound as crisp and tight as their studio work, GO! Do it now, buy the tickets, even if they are in the cheap seats. Just go!

Next up personal jazz.....

For those of you that are in the know you know since my best friends wedding I've been feeling a bit, how should I say, unnecessary, and last Sunday I made the decision that we should not talk anymore as it was just too painful to me to try to pretend that I didn't love him or fake it somehow. Its just not in my nature to lie to myself. I express my emotions when they are this important, and the stress it was causing us both was not worth the benefits.....I miss him, need and love him and a long distance relationship is hard when it's not complicated. This is impossible for me. And I thought he understood. But he tried to contact me every day this week, 'checking in' I think, out of guilt or real concern, who knows. But he told me loved me each time. GOD that cuts like a knife! HOW can he love me....? he married her.....such a confusion to my heart. And makes me not trust the statement nor the man. So with that in my heart, and knowing that I can't go on pretending to be 'just a friend' I told him yesterday that I would only be able to communicate with him as an editor, and I would look forward to his chapters and hoped he would continue to give me feedback on mine. For I do believe we make each other's projects better. And I do want to be able to some how save this, and with no communication, and completely cutting us off from each other, how will I ever know if he stays happy? Or if he becomes single? Or if he needs me?
I won't bore you with the soggy details of the rest of that evening nor of how supportive my wonderful daughter Diana, and my son's girlfriend and concert buddy, Megan and my son Michael were and are to me.

I am constantly reminded of how much I am surrounded by love and people that care about me. I am done putting forth so much effort into a relationship that clearly will gain me nothing in the future. I hope he will be happy, he deserves it. I know I will be with time. But I kid you not, when I tell you that I didn't need this additional heartbreak, and I'm afraid to be alone. I'm afraid I'll cave and try to talk to him. And I can't do that....I need time....when I'm alone with my thoughts I think too much and it ALWAYS goes to him. I need to stay busy....I need something to jolt me out of this, or something so important that it makes me forget him. that all? HA.

See you next week.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

What Makes Someone a Friend?

I was wondering what to write about this morning when I came upon this quote by Friedrich Nietzsche, "Rejoicing in our joy, not suffering over our suffering, is what makes someone a friend." And I couldn't help but agree and knew I had to immediately pass it on to you.

I'm a firm believer in lending and ear or a shoulder when a friend is sad, and listening and trying to relate or comfort. But I'm completely against it when a friend 'feeds your fire' instead. . . the misery loves company rule is not the mark of a good friend. Good friends pick you up when you are down, not push into the ground further. And idol gossip is evil and for the small minded. People who talk only about other people have very little on their minds, and care very little for others.

Think about this the next time a friend comes to you with a heartbreaking story or even just a bad day. Try to think about what you would want that friend to say to you, put yourself in their shoes. (Always a good idea in life when dealing with anyone, friend or foe)


Sunday, August 15, 2010

The Connection is STILL everything that happened.....
And it was a first for me. I'd met friends through friends before. And had 'collisions' with them before...But not on the first meeting. This was New. And New is good. New was going to help me forget my best friend with benefits that just got married. And while New tried very hard to do that, it was not what I had hoped. And it left me more frustrated than satisfied, although we did give it the old college try, for hours. And with everything we tried,. everywhere we tried, it only made me miss my my main connection even more. He was in my mind the entire time, and probably the reason I was frustrated.

It just wasn't sitting well with either of us. And by this morning we had agreed to be friends and hoped that we would both find someone we could connect with, because with the right person, we were sure it was awesome.

How adult of us.

So this event instead of helping me erase my connection with my best friend with benefits, just reaffirmed that connection, and made me realize how special our connection truly is. As I sit here, finally home from my misadventure, tired, not as hung over as I thought I would be, and wondering how to fill up my day, I can't stop thinking about him, and feel him thinking about me. I haven't spoken to him in three days. That's a long time for us, and not talking daily is something we have not done for months. And while I miss him and long to hear from him, I guess I'm a little nervous to hear from him as well. I don't want him to be different or distant, but I fear he will be, now that he is married.

And if that happens, I'm not sure how I'll take it. Especially in light of last nights misadventure.

The connection is still everything, and as he is so fond of reminding me, 'And that's not changing.'

Friday, August 13, 2010

Friday the 13!!

The storm blew out fo the nortwest...figures...he's in the northwest....getting married today.
The storm fit my mood. One of the darkest August mornings I can remember, a gray and black churning sky,...
As I drove to work just ahead of the rain, in my rear view mirror the eastern sky was clear...gray still but only a few shades lighter than what lay ahead of me.
Even that small hope, made me want to fly away...away from the coming storm and hide in any place I could find. Away from my breaking heart and stormy emotions.

I can feel a sadness washing over me from him as he sends his love long distance....
All he can do....
All I can do is feel his loss, and remember his warmth....
And know we will talk again.
And hope we will meet again.

It does help that I can feel him thinking about me.

Facing a life with never seeing his eyes or feeling his arms around me again, is unbareable.

I can't focus on that. That way leads to maddness.

The metor shower last night, I skipped--
I couldn't face watching it without him. I hope if he saw it he thought of me...

A friend of mine just sent me a link to a song by The Police, Driven To Tears....
And I am.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

If I Could Wave My Magic Wand....

I'm at a real crossroads today, and I'm hoping that my day goes more in the positive vein than negative. I'll give you an example of what I mean. I'm a cancer by sun sign, and we are a moody bunch to begin with, as the most emotional signs we are the most in tune with not only our emotions but the emotions of our loved ones. That's why when two cancers get together watch out! Passionate--hell yes. Loving and thoughtful toward each other--always, its in our nature. Do we believe it--hardly ever, only because we are not use to getting from someone what we give to others. THAT is where the challenge comes in....convincing each other that we really do care. Odd, isn't it? And whether or not you 'believe' in this kind of thing, it rings true for me. And like everything I write, it's all for me. So onward.

My crossroads today is that I'm in a FANTASTIC mood, a wonderful feeling that started yesterday and just keeps going. A very warm and pleasant 'feedback' from my cancer gut and intuition. Which I trust completely and which is rarely wrong. For my consistent followers, you will remember that I'm blessed with a best friend with benefits, a fellow cancer, who I feel very connected to. So much so that it's been one of the most rewarding and yet difficult relationships of my life. The rewards still outweigh the problematic circumstances. So we communicate, and share just about everything in our lives. And it's a wonderful feeling to be needed and loved, and cherished just for who I am.

Unfortunately, I'm so not used to getting this emotion from anyone, especially a man that is interested in me not only mentally but physically. I'm a disbeliever from the beginning. A self-saboteur, if you own worst enemy. It is very difficult for him as to understand why I just don't believe him. Well, I'm sure I would much longer periods of time, if he were not in his own sticky circumstance of being emotionally engaged elsewhere.

I'm finding myself not so much torn in any decisions I've made, anymore. Believe me there was a lot of that. every two weeks sometimes.. and I'm sure it appeared to him that my heart changes overnight (RUSH song cue for those of you that are super fans like me). But that is not me. In fact, like most cancers, I'm loyal to a fault, and trust and believe in him without question, or I wouldn't still be available to him.

No, I'm finding myself more at the cross roads of what will happen once he's married? Will we change at all? Will he suddenly become distant, and gone to me, or will this piece of paper really change anything. With those questions in mind I was reading PostSecret this morning like I do every Sunday morning
and I came across a post card that read, "I cried more when Jim and Pam got married than at any REAL wedding" and I thought...."WOW! That is harsh." and I immediately wondered who had sent it, a man or woman, and did they feel like I did, that this upcoming wedding wasn't a real wedding, but a ceremony.

I suppose some of you might argue that it's possible for a person to love two people the same, at the same time. I think I've actually walked a mile in those shoes too. I wonder if it's something that lasts when it occurs? If eventually one love greatly outshines the other?

So I'm waiting to see what happens. And I know this sounds like morbid curiosity and completely damaging to my emotions, but I assure you, if I get hurt, it won't only be me. I know it will hurt him too, and I don't want that anymore than he does.

So for those of you who believe, 'I deserve better' or 'I'm wasting my time' or 'I just don't want to see you get hurt' I'm hoping you are all Negative Nelly's and that a positive outcome will happen in time. Besides, you never know what the future will bring. And to say that anything except death is forever, is a fools statement.

I want to believe that my life is a fantastic journey and that I should experience everything that life puts in front of me. I don't believe that we are done yet. And so I wait and watch, and try to be a good best friend. Maybe this is the challenge I'm suppose to have now in my life. Maybe he's making the wrong choice. Maybe I am. No one knows for sure. And hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20......

Now where did I put that Time Machine??? :D

Sunday, August 1, 2010

“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” – Joseph Campbell

I came upon this quote while 'stumbling upon' the internet Friday night/Saturday morning sometime after midnight, and immediately changed my facebook status to reflect it. It got a lot of likes, and at least one friend stole it and re-posted (Awesome Zerro!) And it got me thinking that perhaps more of you might need a dose of this wisdom. Not all my followers are facebook friends, after all.

As much as I love this quote from the famous American mythologist, writer and lecturer, best known for his work in comparative mythology and comparative religion. I must admit that the first time I heard him speak and heard of him was on the extra selections of one of the Star Wars movies. (I know, the Spock side of me is quite ashamed, while the geek side of me is quite proud.....wait a minute....are those the same sides? oh well)

George Lucas goes into great detail on how Joseph Campbell's writing had effected his story telling overall, but especially in Star Wars. And while I am glad I got to know this writer, I wish I would have heard of him earlier...better late then never, I suppose.

As I sit here, drinking my morning coffee, I realize that the only reason that I know this quote is so true is my uncanny ability at 20/20 hindsight. I'm sure you all have it too, and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

So with that in mind, how in the heck am I ever suppose to put this wonderful wisdom to practical use in my present life, to obviously positively effect my life? I guess we all know the answer to that one. I can't. The true wisdom of this quote is that you have to be conscientiously aware, at all times, of what the universe is placing on your table. And be brave enough, and sure enough of yourself to take it.

With that in mind, everything should work out. Wow is that easier said than done! but as Hemingway said in The Sun Also Rises......"Isn't it pretty to think so...."