Sunday, July 31, 2011

Sex In The Windy City

And here I am in Chicago, for "The Daughter That I Didn't Have, But Should Have Had's" (hereafter known as Second Daughter, because that's just too hard to keep typing-- hungover)-- Bachelorette Party.  So it's really Saturday morning, yes I wrote this a day before you all get to read it, but that's just because I didn't want to miss my Sunday morning deadline, and we have brunch and travel plans on Sunday.

The party was a huge success, and I'm so glad that my daughter and I were not only included (of course we would be) but could afford to come.  We all dressed up as slutty versions of ourselves, complete with make up and bright florescent wigs.  (mine was orange, my daughter green, and second daughter purple, other brides maids will be referred to by their color wig, there was Blue Hair Woman, Pink Bob Girl, and Dark Blue Mistress.  Now this was just the wedding party, who at Second Daughters house, had all the usual party favors, penis straws, penis cake, lots of beads, rings, pins, (mine said Major Tease)  and of course our hair selections for the evening.  Was wonderful to dress up and be someone we were not for the evening.  And after our blow job lessons from the party planner, and purchasing our favorite sex toys or lubes, and drinking tons of wine, we left for the Wicker Park district of bar hopping (also known as six points for all you Chicago readers out there.)  While I usually have the most fun with my daughter -Green Hair Girl, and my second daughter Purple Bob Lady (as in Sadie, Sadie, Married Lady for those of you that know musical theater)  I must admit I had a lot of fun with the brides maids last night.

Blue Hair Woman was great at keeping us all together, (that is until we momentarily lost the bride, Purple Bob Lady for a few tense moments).  Blue Hair Woman was full of energy and I related to her camera hog ability.  I always hate my pictures, but was able to have some real fun with her in the Chicago underground as she gave my penis straw head, while I was wearing it stuck in my'd have to see the pictures to understand how fun it was.
Pink Bob Girl not only wanted to adopt me, but reminded me of myself at her age, in her 3 1/2 inch (at least) heels, she was continually getting  me up to dance with them all (we danced all night!  LOVED THAT).
Dark Blue Mistress was not only the easiest to talk to, but we had the same stamina.....started out hot and heavy, but pooped out about the same time, and found many opportunities not only to bond (ladies room talks!) but to share pictures and take some really cute ones for Purple Bob Lady of her really tired bridal party and me!  :D

I could go on and on about how much fun it was, and never really give you the idea of how great it felt to strut my stuff, and get not only admiring glances but actual disbelief that I could be the brides ma.  I think the orange wig must have helped make me look like I was their age.  My real hair got the usual raves from the girls and our wonderful Gay Man About Town escort, and you know its good when both demographics love it.  I still wish I'd get as many glances when I don't have orange hair. But Gay Man About Town did adopt me as a Fairy Princess.  LOL.

We are off to a roast tonight.....and then home early enough to get some Groom Time.  Have I mentioned how much I love this guy second daughter is marrying?  I do.  So I must get ready, and continue to catch up with my loved ones.  I miss you all, and wish at least one of you were here to share this with me, on my arm.

 But we can't always get what we want......but if we try, sometimes, we get what we need.  I'm off to get what I need.  Later.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

A World of Pure Imagination

This is not how I imagined our lives would go, and now we can't find our way out of this deep valley, but I know lost with you, I am safer than found with anyone else.  My imagination is my own worst enemy and my best companion, for my imagination can figure out all sorts of ways to solve every problem I stumble onto.  Unfortunately imagination is not real, and too much time spent there I will suddenly find that my life has flown by.  I make promises that my imagination is completely sincere in keeping and then my waking self says to me, with that look I have, "Really?  Really?  This is what you want?  This is what you need?  This will keep you happy?  This is enough?"

Tough questions, but you know I'm harder on myself than anyone else.  I can honestly say yes to all of that, but I find myself smiling, some all knowing smile with it too.  As if I'm almost daring myself to try this locked door and see what's behind it.  Or further question, WHY is this door locked?  Did I lock it?  Funny, I must have, it's my door, in my head.  I wonder why I locked it?  And is it safe to open now, or will everything I know behind it, come flooding out and wash me away?  Its just memories after all.  How much damage could they really do?

Well, I think we all know the answer to that.  Better keep the locked doors locked.  Maybe open a new door and start putting memories in there.  Maybe it will stay open this time.  Maybe this is enough.  Maybe understanding and compassion is all I really need...
...or maybe just chocolate.  :D

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Sweat Boys - behind the scenes

Last night I experienced another moment in time that felt like a beginning.  A friend of mine has a band.  No surprise there.  The band is not easily pegged in the music industry, it's part 80's, part Dance/Trance, and I think I've said before it's like Depeche Mode and Judas Priest had a kid.  So on my birthday, the lead singer/writer for the band asks me if I wouldn't mind running some lyrics with him.  See, while normally he doesn't collaborate for songs, he wanted to write this sweeping love song lyric to go with this great dance music, and he just wasn't hearing his first hook.  You know, that point where you know it fits the song, and then the juices start to flow.  I reminded him that I'm not a song writer.  Novels, screenplays, poetry, that's more my scene.  And he wasn't concerned, just wanted to have someone he knew was creative that he could bounce ideas off of and see what happened.

I agreed to help and I'm so glad I did.  We discovered after three hours of writing and getting about 80% of the song finished, that we are good collaborators.  I was surprised that it went that quickly, and to tell the truth I think he was too.  He told me they don't normally come that quickly.  Once we discovered the main idea of the song, how the music felt to me, what I heard, and how he saw the characters in the song....well....the rest just seemed to come, like a mental tennis match.  I'd ask him questions about what this character feels, and he'd answer me, and we'd throw words around on a page that gave those feelings.  Checking the meter and flow, the literation.....the phrase 'How do we say this?" came up a lot.  As I looked around his home studio, full of keyboards, bass and guitars, stacks of blank cds, and all manner of high tech studio gadgets I'd never seen before (does it all on his computer), I couldn't help but smile.  I felt like a rock star.  We looked to some 80's icons for inspiration on words and images, and somewhere among all the thinking we found our repeater, two actually.  And changed them from a expected  pop repeater to a more progressive one, a more intelligent storyline, and the song gained a life.  It became more than a song, it became a mini story.  Connected to an earlier song by some well hidden lyrics, but ones we hope Sweat Boys fans will spot.  And maybe this idea off his, is why he wanted a writer of stories to collaborate.

I'm looking forward to seeing it live, and hearing it finished.  I think we might have finished it last night if we hadn't taken that last break to let it soak in, and if he hadn't started drinking wine.  While the grape makes me more free spirited it makes him sleepy.  As young as he is apparently he's getting old, by 9 or so he was ready to stop for the night.  I didn't mind.  I know you can't rush these things, and I know if he can't finish it without me he'll call.  But I'm betting he can now, unstuck and all.  You know I had a friend that said I was his muse, and maybe he was not too far off.  I like that idea, and I've embraced it in the past.  Maybe it would help me to embrace it again.  Maybe this is just what my self esteem and confidence level needed.  Maybe there will be future collaborations, and I can smile when I see them on youtube singing a song I helped write.  Something only the band, me and a few friends might know, well... and the liner notes.  I've demanded a "Thanks Jill" on the liner notes.  LOL
(here is a link to the Sweat Boys in the studio)

I'm off to Harry Potter again today, and then I hope to find someone to write with.  I feel very creative.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Harry Potter Fan Gearing Up For The Last Installment

Five days!  I've only got five days to finish them all, and I'm only on book four!  I'll never make it. . .

My daughter and my god son (the first one, not the second one) are trying to re-read ALL the Harry Potter books before we see part two of the last book.  Opening this Friday. Now it's sold out for, opening night, so this give us one more day.   Six days!  YES.  We might make it.

They are on book five and I am just starting book four, and  the stress level is high.  We are determined.

Maybe his mom, otherwise known as Nature, will not want to go until Sunday.  That would give us ONE MORE DAY.  Seven!  That's doable.  But then we are not seeing it until Sunday.  Hum...decisions, decisions.

We should have started sooner.  I've been averaging a book a day, until the third one.  That took two days, and they keep getting bigger.....means more reading.....less time.....

And we still need to decided what day/time we are going and get our tickets before it's sold out for the weekend.....
What am I doing wasting precious reading time blogging?!
   I need to read.
     And plan
       And buy tickets
          and read some more.

Okay....more coffee....need to stay awake, might have to read all night...
Better turn off the phone, and the computer. . . too many distractions......stay in the bedroom too, away from the television....better grab some food too.  Might forget to eat.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Quotes, Quotes and more Quotes

"I let myself fall in love with you. . . And I let myself let you go. . . Those were two of the best decisions I ever made."

This was the first quote that jumped off the page at me while reading Post Secret this morning, and I thought to myself, whoever wrote that gets me.  I'm so very glad I met him and allowed myself to fall in love with him.  I know the experience nearly destroyed our friendship but I'm glad for having had the experience.  I was shown so much love, tenderness and true caring in such a few short days with him; that I believed without a doubt that he loved me and would be leaving her to be with me.  It was a life changing experience.  Well as it turned out it was only life changing for me.  But I believe I'm a better person today for having known that brief encounter.

And I let myself let you go. . . that part is true too.  Some of you know me very well, and distance means nothing to me.  I've been known to pick up and move on a dime to be with someone I adore, but with him, I just couldn't do it.  Something stopped me, I know you will assume it was his pending marriage,but by him having an affair with me while engaged, I already felt that relationship was over.  Even if he didn't.  No something in him stopped me, a dishonesty of emotion. . . something I couldn't trust and still can't.  Maybe it was just the fact that if he would cheat on the woman he claimed to love and then marry, he would certainly cheat on me.  And we all know I don't share well.  I'm surprised I allowed myself to fall in love with a taken man.  But perhaps I needed to walk a mile in those shoes.

"Everything is alright in the end.  If it's not alright, it's not the end."

I stumbled upon this quote earlier this week and it hit home with me too.  I've made the right decision, hell I make it all the time.  I don't always stand by it so my friends and family don't believe me, but this time I have.  Almost a month now, and I'm really trying hard to not speak to him, and get over it already.  It's hard but not as hard as I thought it would be.  Not as hard as last year.  I believe if he would have just left me alone last year I'd be over it now and we might be friends.  I'm trying to save our writing, and he waits a day or two, sometimes four and then tries to talk to me, and because I am nice and am trying to save something of us, I allow it.  And I think that by allowing it, he assumes everything is alright.  Its unfortunate that either he doesn't believe I loved him this much, or that his feelings are so shallow that four days seems long enough to forget someone.  Every time he tries to communicate with me as a friend it breaks my heart more.  And I'm so bitter now I hardly have any heart left.  This time last year we were still flirting so much I was sure he wouldn't go through with the marriage, but he did.  And even after for a while he was very attentive.  Who can do that?  Marry one woman and keep another?  It makes me sad to remember it all now, but I have to to remain angry and keep him away from me.  You see I want to be with him, and I love him.  So if I don't stay strong, I'll allow him almost anything from me, and call it 'friendship'.  This is not fair to me, or his wife.  And I honestly can't be the 'friend' he apparently needs.  Or, I can't be the friend he wants until I'm over him.  Which is probably more true, as he doesn't love me.  Nor will he ever want to be with me, even if she were out of the picture.  He use to say he would, but he doesn't anymore.  He's completely over me.  And while it tears me apart to realize he never felt what I felt, he claims what he felt was more than he had in years.....years.....
Its all very confusing to me.

So everything is not alright.  Means it's not the end.  I hope the end for us is me actually being able to move on and be his and her friend honestly.  Its my honest hope now.  I just need much more time than I think he is willing to admit to himself.  I wonder why he can't face that?  I wonder why he can't just leave me alone and let me go?  I know he misses me, and I know he must need to be in my life or he would stop.  Its flattering.  I'd be very flattered if it didn't hurt so much.

I'm off to spend the rest of the 4th holiday with my best friend and her wonderfully loyal husband and their fantastic children.  Camping was and has been fun.  The cook out and the miles of stars, warm my heart.  The children make me laugh and fill my heart with joy.  And seeing my best friend still blissfully happy with the man she loved and went after, reminds my heart that if it can happen for her, it can still happen for me.  Forget the times I've thrown true love away.  It can still happen for me.  I'm putting the bitter part of my heart and ego away, locking it up in a box, and trying to forget about him and it.  Every day without him is a success. . . every day without him is a success. . . every day without him is a. . .