Sunday, May 29, 2011

Love Lessons I Have Learned

Loving someone because they kissed you - is not love - that's infatuation.
Loving someone because you tell each other everything and do everything together - is not love - that's friendship.
Loving someone because it seems reasonable, or possible, and disconnecting from what you truly want - is not love - that's compromise.
Loving someone because you are afraid they will leave you, or not like you if you leave - is not love - that's charity.
Loving someone because you feel you can't live without them - is not love - that's dependence.
Loving someone because you've touched until you both were heavily breathing puddle of realized and unrealized passions - is not love - that's lust.
Loving someone because you dream and fantasize about them or can't stop thinking about them - is not love - that's hope.
But wanting someones happiness over your own - that's love.
Regretfully letting someone go because they cannot stay - that's love.
And when being apart, you still in some desperate and uncontrollable desire, know you need, want and love each other as a part of you, that sacrifice may be the greatest love of all.
Love is what's left over after being in love has burned away. . . love is indefinable. . . love just is.

Wow, Spring must really be here, I'm in a very reflective and romantic mood.  I think I'll leave you this week with just all that to think about.  There is a lot there to keep you occupied. Try asking  yourself where each person you have loved fits, and see who's face you see most often.   It might surprise you.  It might not be who you think it will be.  Or should be.  Beware the person that comes close or fits all the good ones.....they might just be one of your perfect matches.  (and I bet you're not with them)  And while you're at it, if your current relationship is only compromise and charity and dependence, with some infatuation and lust, run!   BUT if you have lots of friendship and hope and all the last ones, with lust and infatuation thrown, you have something not only worth holding on to, but you already know it will stand up to anything life can throw at you.  You may even find that no one, not even you, completely understands why you love who you love.  But that's real love....unexplainable.  Time, Distance, Problems, Differences, all seem to melt into some strange and wonderful soup of understanding between just the two of you.  And you don't have this relationship with anyone else.       You have been warned, now think.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Return of the Jedi

"NEVER say never."  I do you know.  I'm just like the rest of you.  I have many times in regards to many situations and people and I guess I'll never learn that it's so true.  NEVER say never.  It is the one thing that Fate will bite you on the ass with.

For example:  I have said, sadly and with much regret, "I guess I'll never speak to him again."  And truly felt it would be the end of things.  And as has happened in the past with others, that person PINGS back into my life, quite unexpectedly and completely without preamble or ulterior motive.  And this glorious event happened last Saturday night.  And let me tell you, it was a very surreal experience.

My #3 husband was down for a visit with his daughter, and as all of you know we are still pretty good friends, as good a friends as exes can be, I guess.  Most would say we should teach a class on how to divorce and remain friends, (actually his daughter would probably say I should teach the class as she doesn't like the way he treats me, but I digress)  Mr. Selfish (husband #3) will always be who he is and I stopped trying to change him years ago.  In fact he was the one man in my life that proved to me that you can't change people and that's not love.  And most of you know, long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, that during our whirlwind get together from friends to a couple, husband #2 (affectionately known as Darth Vader) was burned.  HARD-CORE, by two of his closest Jedi friends.  (that's actually a pretty good pun considering Anakin was friends............stop groaning...)    And since I was the bad-guy (don't let them lie to you and say there are never any bad guys or good guys in a break up. . . there are, and while it does take two to argue, it usually only takes one to fuck up)  Anyway, long story short, I figured I'd never hear from Darth again. . . . how wrong I was.

While husband #3 was sleeping on my couch, I was logged into facebook to see what I had missed during his visit and I find a facebook message of friendship from Darth.  WOW.  after 24 years and one quick apology and communication about 10 years ago. .  . he has finally joined the rest of us, well most of us, two are still missing and Mr. Selfish 'has no time for facebook'  go figure.  Darth has joined husband #1 (Miss Joey Jermain) and me on facebook.

Now when I saw this message it was short, sweet and guaranteed to make me respond.  I will not share it with you because you couldn't possibly understand the power of the dark side.  Of course I responded, and am happy to say when  I suggested that he have his wife add me, she did within 30 minutes of our new beginning.  This made me happier than you can possibly imagine.  A man from my past without any motive other than missing me and wanting to catch up.  How refreshing was that?  No drama, where there certainly could have been.  Just a greatly missed, extended hand from the past, into the future, from the web's void.
Now what makes it so surreal.....husband #3 is sleeping on my couch, I'm talking and instructing husband #2 in his privacy settings so he can add me, and of course while all this is going on I'm writing on husband #1's wall "guess who just found me?" and having an on line chat with my secret long distance crush.  And I thought I was full of love and good feelings about myself last weekend.  Wow.  I'm not ever going to say never again.  And this fills me with such hope. . . . (A new hope. . .....okay I'll stop now).

You truly don't know what your life is going to be until it is over.  You may think you are down when in reality you are on an upswing.  My life took a turn for the worse last Wednesday, and this blog was going to be about how wronged I felt I had been by losing my job (actually I didn't lose it, I KNOW exactly WHERE IT IS.....thanks K-Space and American Beauty) But I understand now exactly where that kind of negative thinking will get me.

Am I okay, mentally and personality wise, HELL YES.  Financially, for a little while now I will be....Am I worried about money, you bet, what adult wouldn't be.  But I have a plan, I've implemented it and I'm doing all I can do, and will do all I can to find a new job.  Wish me luck, or as Darth would say, "May the Force be with you."

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Sex and Beer!

Wow!  All I can say is WOW.  What a great night last night.  I was with almost all the Pat Heads at Weinerfest, a local kick off to summer round these parts.  And Pat McCurdy, whom I'm mentioned in my blog in the past, opened the nine hour event, followed by Brat Pack Radio and Headbangers Ball.  Pat was over the top good!  More on that later.  :)  Brat Pack Radio was as usual top notch, and while it was my first experience at Headbangers Ball, I must say, they would do well to lose the drunk eye candy.  The boys were great, and on stage they had to make excuses for their only female member who was so wasted that we feared she might not only throw up on us but fall off the stage on us! It only took them about four or five times of holding and dragging to convince her that after three songs she was done.  However, MY friends, being artists themselves are very unforgiving when it comes to this kind of unprofessional behavior and it made for a ton of very incriminating pictures all over fb.

But I digress, while surrounded by good eats and probably too much liquid refreshment, (my HEAD AND BODY are killing me) I had a most memorable time.  For I was able to witness the most surprising and refreshing public testimony of love that I ever have.  A Popular 95.7 Morning DJ and his Long Time Lady Love have been Pat Heads for much longer than I.  And in making their acquaintance at my first show I was immediately welcomed into the 'inner circle' if you will, of Pat Heads in La Crosse.  Showing up at all his performances here and even on in the cities I was lucky enough to catch, has further cemented my love of the warm vibes and as Pat would say, "Spreading the love around (insert city name here)".  But I have to tell you no matter how trite it sounds it's true. I don't know why or how, I can't even really explain it.  But somehow Pat succeeds in this, and no matter how bad a day I've had or how low I might feel about myself, one of his shows not only makes me feel wonderful again, and good about myself, but the vibe is contagious, and the smiles on all my friends faces are too.  Now keep this in mind while I tell you why last nights performance was so much more so than any other.

During the closing song, Sex and Beer, where we all get up on stage (one of many times) to sing and dance with Pat, there is a part of this song where Pat demands that we all hold hands and look at each other and say outrageous things to each other; like: "Thats the biggest Weiner I've seen in my life" or "Are you a good witch or a bad witch" or my personal favorite, "Tell me Clarisse, have the lambs stopped screaming?". . . anyway you get it.   Last night, unbeknown to anyone but Pat and that Popular 95.7 Morning DJ he had said , "If you are (insert name of DJ here) ask your Long Time Lady Love the question"  its such a blur now i can't remember if Pat did more than that as he was already holding my hand for the song and pulled me aside so that the rest of our line would follow and whispered, "Watch this."  As Popular 95.7 Morning DJ got down on one knee, with small black velvet box in hand and proposed, on stage, in front of all of us and his beautiful Long Time Lady Love was speechless, nervously waving her hands in front of her, shyly going from moving slowly towards him to backing away from the ring in happy and excited energy.  She of course said yes, and the video of this happy moment is on my fb page.

Talk about contagious happy moments!  All I can say is WOW.  And I couldn't be happier for them both.  I can't wait for the Pat Head section of the wedding.  :D

Sunday, May 8, 2011

The Best Advice of Mice and Men

"Just get over it already."
"Try to live your life and move on."
"You deserve better."
"Your weakest state is about 20% stronger than everyone else, I know you'll make it."
"Aren't you tired of feeling this way?
"This behavior is not good for you. . . You should just stop."

All great advice, but my query is How?

They say you only ask advice from friends that you are assured you will get the answers you want.  Interesting, because thats not the case in my story.  I hate advice like the above, because I've already come to those conclusions on my own.  What I'm looking for is the HOW of it.  HOW do you 'just get over it' or 'move on' or believe you 'deserve better' than what you know you need, want and love?  It doesn't help to hear that you are strong and can do it, when you believe you are at your weakest and have tried everything, either.  That's when the voices start.  You know, the ones in your head that tell you you are doomed, undeserving, and alone for a reason.

Lately in my stumbling upon quotes I ran across this one right after a brilliant animation on 'Thought of You" which I would share with you right here, but I'm not sure the link will post, but i'll try.  Here goes:
(I thought of three very different men from my past while watching this, from three different decades.)80's, 90's and this one . . hum. . . put your thinking caps on all my best friends out there.  I KNOW you will come to the correct answers if you feel instead of think)
The quote was as follows:
"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.  So love the people that treat you right, and forget the ones that don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason.  If you get a chance take it!  If it changes your life let it!  NOBODY SAID IT WOULD BE EASY, THEY JUST PROMISED IT WOULD BE WORTH IT!"-Anonymous

I really like that Anonymous chick.  Anyway.  I believe that quote, and maybe that is why my friends think I'm strong.  I have done that.  Let life change my life on what others might perceive as a whim, or a CHANCE, an opportunity.  And I've always preached that life was too short to regret.  Yet my life is full of them. . .regrets.  Most not what I've done, but the lost opportunities of not acting quickly enough or pushing away out of a real fear to be truly happy or believe that the love standing in front of me, was real.  The 'How could it happen to me and be real' fallacy.  I'm sure you've felt that too, and run just as quickly.  You might not think that you ran, but if you think back you might be able to see the moment in time where you convinced yourself that it would never work before you even gave it a chance.  I know I've done that twice before, once in the 80's and once in the 90's and I regret both of them very much to this day.  NOT the men. . . the act of me pushing them away.  So far away from me that one I will never find again, and the other can't seem to communicate with me much at all anymore, even though we try on occasion on line to at least have small talk.  Which I think is painful to us both it being so far removed from where we were as lovers.

Its true. .  friendship can often bloom into love, but love once tasted, can never fade back into friendship.  I suppose we are an example of that loss.  And again I must live with my choices.
As we all do.
As we all try to do.
Which brings me back to my original query. . .

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Change and the Fear of Change

“Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.”- Denis Waitley

I stumbled across this quote this morning, while still  in my pjs and drinking coffee, and it changed my entire outlook.

I've been having a rough year in my romantic life, but that is not my only life, my family and friends are still the most wonderful people on the planet, and my career was looking up and so successful we had all put the couple of bad calls behind us.  That was until Wednesday.  It was such a let down to hear that I had been given a final written warning at work.  And of course that day, the day of the Worlds Largest Office Party, I was dressed to the nines and feeling like a zero.

With my future in a dark cloud of the unknown I went hoping that the good music (The Remainders and Pat McCurdy were my favs) and good friends would bring me out of my feeling that I was a complete failure.  And for two hours while waiting to run into someone that cared, I felt so alone.  In a crowd of over 4000 people milling about, standing at my table with my now empty drink, I felt somehow that everyone could see the sad woman who can't hold a job or a husband. I had sent out three texts to discuss how angry I was, and how disappointed, and got a response FINALLY.  Not from my daughter, or the friend I knew was going to be there, but from my writing partner.  Imagine my surprise when it was him first.  Happily I split my guts and he was very successful in keeping the angry tears at bay and making me realize that "If I had failed at becoming a 'robot automaton, well that was actually good in his book."  And this was after several failed attempts for me to realize I was not alone and NOT a failure.
(in my daughters defense and my friend, they did eventually either respond via text or in person)

What I've decided with some healthy support and sleeping on it, is that I'm not a failure.  I've tried harder than anyone else and come so far.  And what I may have to understand is no matter how hard I try I may not be able to be who they need me to be.  And therefore if I can't change it, accept it as unchangeable and remove myself from the experience.

This quote is so simple and yet so profound, it should be used in your mind before any choices, especially the hard ones.  I could attach this to so many areas of my life and I think I will.  After all, aren't I the one always saying, "Life is short and you should LIVE it."  How can I expect to live a full life if I'm strangled with fear over change?  Nothing is impossible with change, but people unwilling to change will never achieve anything, nor will they ever learn anything about themselves.

This experience has and is still teaching me very valuable lessons in human nature and reaction, and as a human I need them, as a writer they are valuable.  I will continue to try to achieve there, but I am also actively applying at other opportunities.  I am stepping through yet another doorway in my journey, I wonder where this one leads. . . wait, let me check for tricks and traps and look up before entering. . .  old gaming habits never die. . .
Wish me luck