Sunday, October 30, 2011

Caring Too Much

And again one of my friends has given me the quote for my blog this week.  She said, "sometimes watching people you care for hurt is even worse than being hurt yourself. i care... too much."  I immediately saw myself in this revelation, and advised her to detach....sometimes we have to detach from others burdens, no matter how much we care about the person, we just can't keep watching, or listening.  Sometimes we just care too much to hear it over and over again, and have nothing changing.

I think we can all relate to this.  We have at one point in our lives been this person that rambles on and on about the same problem in their life but does nothing to fix that problem.  Or worse can't see a solution.  I know I have been that person, and am sometimes still, depending on the topic.  (see blog)   ;)

However with that said, most of us can also relate to the other side of this the friend with the two ears to listen, two shoulders to cry on, and if necessary a couple of arms to hold you with.  This is what separates your real friends from the ones that just don't get you.  Your real friends, no matter how much they may be sick and tired of you making the same mistakes, are still there for you when you crash and burn.  And thank the FSM that they are.  Because without them, you might not learn from the mistakes.  I have a real need to 'talk things out' when I've crashed and burned.....boy do I talk them to death.  And I know I tax my friends patience.  But I learn from that too.  I know they love me and I know they care, and when I've gone too far they tell me.  Do I listen?  You bet I do.  Does it appear that I've listened?.....sometimes not, because I still might need to talk, or cry, or be held.

I guess the best thing to remember is this, everyone heals differently, and everyone has had a shitty life with some really bad stuff happening to them.  Not everyones 'baggage' fits together.  And even though, as a friend, you may think your friend is crazy for still doing this to themselves, because YOU certainly wouldn't......STOP right there.  Because this is where true wisdom comes into play.....YOU can't know that for sure, because YOUR experience is not on the other side of this.....well, you might just need them in this capacity someday, and you'll be glad that you were there for them when they needed you.

I think real friendship can be summed up in this quote, "People cause suffering when they are suffering themselves. Alleviating their suffering will help them not hurt others."  As friends, when we listen, this is what we do, we alleviate suffering.  So pull up a chair, grab a box of tissue, if necessary, and LISTEN.  You won't be sorry in the end.  Because of your guidance, and support, your friends will find their way, and be there for you when you need it.

cheers, breathe deeply, and smile

Sunday, October 23, 2011

“Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” - Ambrose Redmoon

What a great quote.  I stumbled upon this one while having my usual Sunday morning ritual, and it hit me like a bolt from the blue.  This is so true.  Every change we make in our lives, every choice we get, we are faced with a fear.  Whether it is a rational one (is there such a thing?) or an irrational one, it is still fear.  Fear of change.   Another one of my favorite quotes:  "Its the fear of what comes AFTER the doing, that makes the doing so hard to do."

I have recently made a huge decision in my life and am about to follow it up with another.  And I was afraid of the first decision, mostly because it was a new experience.  I didn't know what to expect.  I'd read books, seen movies, and even talked with other people who had made the same decision.  After all I do my homework before I fall off the cliff.  Doesn't mean I'll make the same mistakes a they might have, doesn't mean it will turn out all bright and well worth it, like some of the others.  The only thing I can say for sure is that it took courage.  Courage that I didn't know I possessed.  And it made me realize how true it is that with great courage comes great fear.   And making this decision was more important than the fear.  That was my courage.  I had to try.  I had to see if it would turn out alright, if the feelings were real, if I could finally trust my instincts.

That brings me to my next big decision.  My next big bout of fear, that I will muster my courage up and make.  And with the coming dawn, I have done just that.  I've made a choice and I will stick to it.  This is not to say, that as a human I am capable of change, and of changing my mind at any time.  But that too, will come with fear and courage.

I have decided that I am more important than the fear.  That my happiness, and what I want out of life is more important the the fear of not knowing the outcome.  A friend asked me yesterday, over bloodies and banishment spells, "What would happen if you just didn't know?  What would happen if you just feel into a state of 'I don't know'?"  She had taught me that she used to believe that this state of mind was for losers, and people that couldn't make up their minds, because she used to be like me.  Always moving fast and making snap decisions.  Never just waiting and not knowing.  A recent tragedy brought her to this frame of mind and she realized that it wasn't just for losers.  That driven industrious people like us would never stay in that frame of mind forever....but sometimes, it feels good to just fall back into a sense of unknown, and not care about the outcome.  Wasn't sure I believed her, until i tried it this morning.
My next big decision, the one I made today...was it the right one?  I don't know.  And that feels good.  That change feels good.  It's not my burden now.  Its in someone else's hands now.  That sound you just heard was relief, and stress leaving my body in a woosh.  cool huh?

Sunday, October 16, 2011

And you think YOU'RE lonely.....

My Sunday morning ritual consists of waking up, jumping on facebook to talk to my Sunday morning friends, reading my horoscope, and daily tarot card, and PostSecret.  I love this site, and if you aren't reading it every Sunday you are missing out.  And usually I feel pretty alone in the world.  Not sure why....maybe because I'm an only child and I always knew that someday, my kids would grow up, and my parents would be dead or so far away I can't see them, and I'd be alone.  Maybe thats why I adopted my little brothers.  And maybe that's why I get so attached to my friends, and need them so much in my life.  I think if you have a large family, you might not understand this as much.  The feeling of solitude, even when surrounded by people that love you.

But even with that I stumbled upon a PostSecret this morning that made me stop feeling sorry for myself, and realize that I'm not alone, but this person certainly is.  It read:  "I wish I had a partner to cheat on, a lover to cheat with, and a friend to talk about it."
Wow.  Really?  Now THAT is solitude.  THAT is alone.....and sad.

And I realized that I've been weak and self involved about life.  Like maybe my life was the only one in an ego.  Life is about stumbling along and picking your way past the obstacles that  you are dealt. No ones life is easy.  No ones life is perfect.  No one is happy all the time.

I have a lot of friends right now going through the same thing.  I'm guilty of it too.  A dissatisfaction with their life, or the path they have chosen.  What once seemed rosy and lush, is now brambles and thorns.  And they long for a past road they left behind.  They remember the past with a fondness that brings warmth.  And while normally I would say this is all romantic drivel.  In this case it is not.  For as a group of friends, we did have it all.  We were close, and we truly cared about each other and our lives.  We talked about life, love, choices, or the world, over drinks or children playing on the floor, or D&D dice.....

Somehow, in all the last fifteen years or so, Time, Fate and Nature (I always blame them!) put choices in our path that separated us.  And now talking is stilted....difficult to get started....walls are high.  But I have a ladder.  And I will breach these walls.  And I will have everyone back in my life, even if its one on one, and not over D&D, or football Sundays (remember that?  don't you miss that too?) or kids playing on the floor, or in some cases those kids are now driving downtown.  I know you are there, and I know you read this....I miss you all. For the ones that are slowly coming back, I'm a phone call away.  For the ones still dragging their feet, and being over cautious, expect communication, for I can't let you all go....won't.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

The Enemy Within

"If you had a friend that talked to you the way you sometimes talk to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?"

Now there's a quote to stumble upon....And one I really needed to hear.  How long indeed.  Not long, if my history is to be believed.  I don't take that kind of crap from my friends.  I usually push them away when I don't feel like the friendship is two way, or when I feel like I'm being ignored or worse, used.  I also don't accept it when my friends beat me down instead of building me up, who would, right?  Well, unless they are telling me a glaring truth that I refuse to see, but then it's not beating me down, it's said in love, holding my hand and making sure I'm okay.

 But to constantly beat yourself down, to examine and re-examine all your bad choices, to force yourself to remember your failures and remind yourself that you never will succeed in love or business or life...what kind of friend is that?

Not the kind you would be to any of your friends, right?  Then why do it to yourself!?  And we all do, sometimes.  (Some more than others, and you know who you are....I'm one of you btw) Anyone that tells you they don't do this to themselves, or can't understand this, is lying.  They may not do it often, but they do, unless they are a sociopath, its human nature to question our past decisions and hold ourselves accountable.  This can really suck when you THINK you make the wrong decisions over and over again, when presented with the same situations.  (Fate to hand it to her, GREAT sense of humor.)  You are suppose to be your own best friend, NOT your best enemy.

If you can't have a good attitude about yourself everyday when you wake up alive and healthy, then you are missing out on the greatest gift of life.   LIFE.  YOU are ALIVE.  Another day on the planet, with another opportunity to make it the best day of your life.  And why not?  Just think about all those wonderful days in your past, you didn't see those coming before they happened, did you?  I didn't think so.  And if you live your life with the possibility that TODAY is the greatest day you will be much happier, worry less and guess what.....LIVE longer.  (thanks smashing the title that's two songs plugged in this blog for those of you that know music)

So your homework for the for the rest of your this simple act.  STOP beating yourself up for your decisions in life, and if you must self examine until you are dizzy, at least come up with a REASON for why you made the choices you did, and then learn from that reason.  And don't forget to grow.  Don't forget to practice what you have learned. (btw if you don't do this, this is when Fate throws the same choice in your path again....just so you know)   After all, the choices we have made and will make in life, make us the people we are.  And you need to love yourself, as much as your loved ones love you.  Really.  I know it sounds trite, but it's true.  If you don't believe me look at your loved ones and realize they wouldn't love you if you weren't fantastic.  So believe that you are. Or as a good friend of mine summed it up so nicely once to me last year....."Allow yourself to be AWESOME."  he's right.  Only you can stop yourself from being awesome.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Women Who Seek to be Equal With Men, Lack Ambition-Timothy Leary

What a great quote to start my week!  I am in a mostly male profession, selling insurance, and I'm the newbie.  So I am competing with men who have been doing this for decades.  And one of them is in the top five in our state and the other is number three in the nation on top of that.  So lets just say the competition is fierce.  We have our own territories...but lets be frank, they know people, and will not care where they are to get their goals.  And I guess neither do I.  And with all the competitive nature of this business I find myself trying to actually beat men for the first time in my life.  No I'm not a feminist, in fact most of the feminists that have spoken to me scare me...a lot.  But I do believe, with equal training, I can do anything a man can do, within reason.  Obviously I'm not as strong and never will be, so discounting anything requiring strength....I'm still of the opinion I should try.  So I am trying to be equal with these men....but is that the right thing to do?

Shouldn't I be trying to beat my personal goals, and make those goals as lofty as theirs?  Shouldn't I set my goals ahead of them, and have my record be the one to beat?  Shouldn't I set the standard and have them want to be equal with me?  It is possible, after all, anything is possible, if you want it bad enough, and then try to get it.  Activity and Action are what is needed.

Activity and action are not a problem in my life.  When I see someone or something I want, I usually go after it, without question, and without knowing much about it.  I'm a very verbal and visual that first off I'm attracted to what you say, and after that how you look.  Although I have to admit that the visual is usually the first thing that makes me, well....look... but after eye contact if what comes out of your mouth makes me cringe, the visual becomes less appealing by leaps and bounds.  This action helps me in my profession and in my life, as I'm a great listener, and can usually turn quite a phrase, and get people to listen to what I'm selling.

I've noticed this in my business life AND in my personal life.  When dealing with trying to convince my kids to 'do the right thing' or 'what they should be doing'  or with friends who are having difficult times or difficult pulls and pushes of their emotions.  They will come to me for advice, why?  I think it's because of my ability to 'sell' them the right conclusion for their problem.  Sometimes I use props, like tarot cards, or wine, or tequila, or a movie.  Sometimes I just hang out and listen.  But usually I'm never disappointed in what my friends or children choose to do after they have shared a problem with me.  I'm not completely successful in this.  Those of you who have been following this blog from the beginning will no doubt come up with one glaring disappointment, one man I wasn't able to convince to buy what I was selling.  But, his choice ended up being the right one...for now.  And I couldn't be happier for them...for now.

When I look back on my life I realize that nothing lasts forever and nothing is permanent.  So I do a lot of waiting and watching and listening.  I learn more from what you don't say than what you say, sometimes.  And I'm good at probing until I find the button that makes your lies fall away and the truth come out.  And not lies you tell to me, lies you tell to yourself.

So I've decided instead of trying to be equal with all the men in my life, I'm going to set the standard.  I'm going to have more ambition, and strive for my own personal greatness and see what life throws at me then.  I'm sure it will be another man that I'll try to be equal with, before I realize he came to me to become equal with me....but we all learn at our own pace.


Sunday, September 25, 2011

If You Aren't In Over Your Head, How Do You Know How Tall You Are?

I stumbled across this quote and it felt like the right jumping off point for this weeks blog.

What a week.  Not a very good one for me.  In my business it was less than stellar results.  Had over my goal of appointments each day, and did at least 10 cold calls each day on top of that, and only sold one policy. that rate I won't be able to pay for my gas to get to my appointments.  So I tried, and tried on Saturday morning, my appointments stood me up, or said no, and none of the businesses I approached wanted to talk to me, so by noon I was giving up.  I was in over my head, and instead of pulling up my boot straps and trying harder, I quit.  I let the negative feelings of the week get to me, and I decided I needed a break.  So I took half of Saturday and today off, to find something positive in my life and find a way to detach my emotions from my work.  I spoke to many friends on the matter, and got some great advise and encouragement. Advice as follows:
"This is why a lot of women don't do this, they take the rejection too personally.  Thought if I made you mad you would prove me wrong.  You need to not base your happiness on your rate of sales."
"I couldn't do it, couldn't wait for the income to start, but maybe you can..."
"I think if you don't do this it's because you don't want to, not because you can't.  I believe you can."
"I think you should keep trying, you have invested so much time and effort into this."
"I think you should do it until you can't afford to not do it four months you should start to see some good money."

So I'm going to do just that.  Keep trying for all the above reasons. Most of this advice was given in different stages of drunkenness during the kick off Saturday of Oktoberfest here in Wisconsin.  HAPPY OKTOBERFEST.  

Which brings me to the other part of my life that makes me feel like such a failure.  Apparently when I'm in love and can't have the person I want, and the only way I can communicate with said person is on line, I get clingy!  Huh....who would have thought that?  I'm not when I'm in a fact I hardly say I miss you or I love you when I have the guy right beside me to SHOW him what I feel.  Amazing how the internet can bring you so much closer to the one you love and yet it feel so far away that you wax romantic much more than your normal self.  Of course this accusation was given to me when I was drunk texting him, but that apparently didn't matter, until minutes later when he realized that he was overreacting and apparently it doesn't count that I'm clingy when drunk.  lol. This could have been a huge fight, but it was not. He could just tell me what he is feeling right away instead of make me fish for it, but this is why women get crazy girl brain.  Men  act stupid.  Why do they do that?  Why do they have to be so strong and tough all the time?  He changed his mind during said text and again this morning.  He must really want me to understand that he's sorry for the clingy remark.  And really, I agree with him, so no damage was done.  It was a funny fight.  That's another interesting thing about this one.  Our disagreements, aren't really fights, more like discussions, or debates that we end up smiling over because they are silly, or agreeing on.  We tend to blame ourselves first for any misunderstanding first...even when our feelings are hurt or we are worried or scared.  Interesting.  Perhaps this is what being well suited by temperament and personality is all about....
I'm staying tuned on this one.  I find him fascinating.

But both situations hit me when I read that quote..."If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?"  I feel in over my head with him and with my job.  This is both not good (fear of failure and change might destroy me, if I let it) and good, (the challenge will force me to rise to it).  So I can either knuckle under and admit that I'm not tall enough to be with him, (NEVER) or that I can't do the job (the only thing stopping me is me).  I'm more committed to him than the job and that's a mistake.  I need to be more committed to myself than anyone else.  So the new leaf for this week is the following:  Commit to the job I have agreed to do.  Get it out of my head that I'm selling anything, I'm helping people, and if they don't want my help now, they will later...probably when it's too late."  and  "Leave him alone.  Quit telling him what he already knows, and live my life.  If he joins me in it, good for him, if he doesn't it's his loss....and stop missing him.  Just be the woman he loves, and his love will come to me."

Hey, I hope all of you out there with crazy girl brain and stupid boy brain were paying attention to that last part.....because it's almost profound.  Just be who you are, and live your life, and see what life brings to you when you have faith in yourself and love yourself first.  Stop whining and wallowing, takes too much time and sets yourself up for failure.  And when he tells you his misses you and loves you, fucking believe it!  and believe that it lasts for more than a few days, months or years....or minutes in my  After all, if your feelings lasted why can't you believe his did.  It actually feels better when he says it first anyway....doesn't it?  So try to remember that as well.  And don't be so quick to say 'I love you' or 'I miss you', just have some patience, and breathe, and wait.  Maybe what you are looking for will happen all by itself, without any pushing  toward or worse, pulling away.

I need more coffee....chin up.  


Sunday, September 18, 2011

deja vu's last night, and not even a full moon...

Last night I had a series of deja vu....I take my deja vu's very seriously, because they usually are dead on in the feelings department, and I usually ignore them, even knowing that.  It's another of my fatal flaws.  So if any of you feel the same way about your deja vu's I'm going to share parts of mine.  Not many details, just the feelings.

The first one was while I was on line chatting, I abruptly left three of my guy friends as I ran out to door.  My tentative plans being reborn in a sudden window of opportunity, and me canceling those other two plans I was working on....This girl is not without opportunity. I was pleasantly surprised as I had assumed a rescheduling was in the works.  This first deja vu was strong and negative in a sense of pending a sense of don't go....and gave me reservations, but I kept on course and arrived.

The second one I was sitting on a desk, my feet on a chair, looking out a window and I knew what would happen next, and not in the way you can write, in your head of a possible outcome....I'd seen it, like out of body seen it...and it happened.  This one had left me with a feeling of finality, of endings beyond control...but I kept going.

The third is too personal to tell you about, and but the deja vu felt comfortable, on track, somehow, which was confusing in the middle of the other negative ones.  The fourth involved rain, and was the strongest feeling  of them all.  It felt liberating and rewarding, and almost elated, and the one I'm going to talk about.

I walked out onto the porch and the night sky was heavy with anticipated rain, as I stepped away from the door, I could hear it suddenly releasing the drops to the ground, and I cautiously stepped into the gentle curtain of it.  A huge smile crashes suddenly across my face.  I lean my head back to feel the welcome rain run in rivulets down my neck.  My thoughts running over and over the evenings events and racing toward an impossible future.  The saunter in my step because of the joy we share in a world of disappointment and drudgery.  My heart is full of love.  For the first time in over a decade.  And I don't care if it is returned.  I don't care if it ever grows in his heart.  I only care that it grew in MINE.  That my heart is once more free of the chains I bound it with.  That my heart is feeling again, and not afraid to feel.  The happiness we bring to each other cannot be wrong, and is not wrong.  This life is all about love, and being happy, and being true friends to help each other when we are lost and drowning.

As I entered my car, my radio, which I had left on the classic rock station, was playing's was late (or early depending on your point of view) radio is possessed and talks to me in music all the time.  I suggest you find the following songs and play them on Youtube as you read....good early morning songs.  The first song I heard I came in on in the second verse...and I smiled at the movie reference as well....Was Al Green- Lets Stay Together.   Interesting choice, radio.  The next song was Orleans-You're Still The One. that was just strange....and I, of course was still smiling and bopping to the radio.  And last song that I actually stayed in the car, in the garage, to hear in it's entirety was James Taylor-Fire and Rain.....and that one felt like I should pay attention to on a more realistic vein.  As if the other two were just leading up to the real wisdom of Mr. Taylor.

My  life will and has given me very many interesting stories to write about, and while I'm living them I don't pay as much attention as I should, I miss things, and end up hurt and never wanting to try again.  But at least I'm trying.  I'm living life again, and I'm trying.  So what if what I want I will never have.  So what if what I think I need is withheld again from me.  It doesn't matter.  In the end all that matters is what is in my heart and my attitude about that.  In the end all that matters is I'm full of love and hope instead of hate and bitterness.
(Al Green)
(James Taylor)

Enjoy the love that Fate places in front of you.  It is a gift.  Take it.  For your life will be fulfilled with it and empty if you walk away from it.  And besides we all know what a bitch Fate can be when you return her presents.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

"Affection is a burden I can bear"-Eleanor, The Lion In Winter

I'm about ready to wrap up a very successful first week at my new job.  I actually have another appointment in about an hour and then maybe I can have a day off.  :)  The things we do to help our customers, eh?  Well and to help ourselves.  I was very worried about this career change, I've never done straight commission before, and on a bad week, I'm probably always going to doubt it.  But this week, my first week, was exactly what I hoped for.  And I impressed my team as well.  Most of them did not sell anything or very little on their first week out.

So with that said, you can imagine that I'm in a pretty good mood and feel quite confident about my new rocky and hilly path.  And you'd be right, for the most part.  I've adjusted to having an empty nest.  Like it, actually.  I'm finding it very liberating to be able to have anyone over at any time and not worry about 'what the plans are' or 'what the kids might want to do' or sharing my friends with my kids.  That's the hard one, sometimes.  Now don't get me wrong.  The entire time I was raising my kids alone, I never brought anyone home to be a part of our life that I didn't already think was good enough to be just that.  But now....with no one to help me edit myself.....the possibilities are endless.  This is both a good thing and a bad thing.

I almost feel as if I'm living my wild 20's or my freshly divorced 30's again.  You see, I've never really lived alone.  Never.  I've always been someones daughter, wife or mother.  I've never just been me in my own apartment without any real responsibilities but myself.  Now I'm not afraid to be alone, I like my own company.  I do wish that my current crush was here to share my life with me in all the wonderful and intimate ways couples do.  But that's really the only pang that hits me when I walk in the door.  And I thought it would be missing my kids.  But my kids aren't gone, they just have a different address.

This part of my journey will be interesting, probably more interesting to you than to me, because you will be able to see it from the outside.  You'll be able to see more clearly when I'm lonely, or being my own worst enemy, which should be my X-Man power, but sadly is not.  You, dear reader, will be able to tell when I'm human companionship and touch.  This is something that I think all people that live alone suffer from.  Not getting enough hugs.  If you are among my friends that actually get to see and touch me, I'm betting I'll be greeting you with more hugs than in the past....You have been warned.  :)

Sunday, September 4, 2011

The Philosophy of Absolutely!

During my recent sales school, I was fortunate enough to make some really great friends and colleagues that I know I will continue to remain in contact with.  Coming up with nicknames for them all has been very difficult.  There was The Writer (where is your first chapter!?), and the Misplaced New Yorker (it's the ahhhhhh at the end that gets me), the one that was so much like my ex-mom-in-law that I've called her Marge II, (she even sounds like her, especially when she was reminding me of my self worth.) and of course, One Who is NOT Jessica, (he's special....bless him), and The Bucket Man (don't ask).

The Bucket Man seemed to bond with everyone in class, including a group that I like to call The Boys.  The Philosophy of Absolutely comes from a couple of The Boys, Jose and The Small Giant were discussing this and of course I immediately found it useful and spread it to the rest of The Boys and my main peeps.  It goes something like this:

When you are in a situation and someone asks you a really stupid question, rather than let yourself go, and cock off with that rapier wit, or look at them like their mother must have dropped them on their heads once too often, just let a beaming smile cross your lips and say in a confident tone of voice, "Absolutely!"  This frees you up to rip them a new one in your mind, instead of out loud, OR (more importantly) see what direction they want to steer the conversation.  This last part can make any situation innocent on your part.

I looked at them with some confusion, as my 'sharp wit' usually wins out, and asked for further explanation, as I'm sure you are doing right now.   He further explained how he is always being approached by women with 'one thing on their mind', and even though he wears a ring, is often asked the very stupid question, "Are you married?"  You can see where this is going, right?  Just think of the opportunities that you may have missed by answering that simple question with a 'yes' or smart-ass response.  When a simple "Absolutely" and a smile, puts it right back on her.  And of course I'm thinking....or him in my case...hum....this could be used for much mischief and evil.  My interest was peeked.  I immediately started using it.  And it changed no only my life, but the way others perceive me.

For example:  At the hotel, I needed to borrow the trolley to get my bags down to my car in one trip. So I asked the desk clerk, "Can I borrow this?" and she said, "As long as you bring it back."  And before my rapier wit could lash out at her with what was running through my head.....I smiled confidently and said, "Absolutely."   And she smiled.  As if to say, 'See someone gets my sick sense of humor.'  Because what I was thinking was, "NO, you dumb bitch, I'm going to put this in the trunk of my car and drive off."  But this attitude will not win me friends.

As the next few days in class went on, I noticed more and more of us were saying , "Absolutely" not only to the teacher but each other, and the smiles were quite contagious.   I can't wait to use it on my favorite dumb question of all time, "Do you know how fast you were going?" ...... "Absolutely"

Cheers.  :)

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Are you still waiting, or are you running to catch?

I'm here in Chicago for sales school, writing to you, while having my breakfast in bed, and I've got a ton of memorization to get perfect before my first presentation to my teacher tomorrow morning.  Then I have to give my final presentation to the big wigs upstairs on Wednesday, followed by a final and graduation on Thursday.  Am I nervous?  Yes.  Am I worried that I won't be word perfect?  Yes.  Will I be ready by tomorrow?  Yes...I'm studying and role playing all day and into the evening...whatever it takes to get it polished.  My roommate and I both have teams from our individual classes, that spend more time socializing than learning, and we are committed.  So we are going to help each other out.  We're suppose to stick with our teams, but my team has disappeared.  And I have to look out for my best interests too...hopefully I'll run into one of them later and can join them for a round of role-playing, but I can't rely on them, unfortunately.
I'm trying to keep my attitude positive, but of course, doubt is creeping in.

Will I be able to succeed at this?  I hope so, I don't know for sure, but I hope so.  I do know that even if I can't do this the way that I want I won't consider it a failure.  I've met too many good people I want to stay in touch with, and I've learned too much about myself during this time to consider it a failure.  I am finding a lot of personal growth in this school,  philosophy and that has been very valuable to me both in my career and personal life.

I'm finding that I'm looking at personal situations quite differently, and while my eyes are open now, the good news is so is my heart.  I'm trying so hard to look at my life as if it is just beginning and that that is a good thing.  That if I can just hold on to my dreams, perhaps they are waiting for me, right around the corner, and all I have to do is go for it!  So instead of thinking on the negative, that I'm still waiting for my life to begin....I'll twist that, into I'm going to catch the life that is waiting around the corner for me!


Sunday, August 21, 2011

this weeks blog under construction

Hello all,
I had a blog all written....even posted it.  Then I stopped...reread it and considered that perhaps this one should just be for me.  I have saved it, and if you happened to have read it before it was taken down, keep it to yourself, and try to understand that sometimes my heart screams for justice, and my mind hides from fear.

this week my thoughts are for me, and while I try to share, I just can't.  I can't have my heart broken again.  I can't stand it.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

One down, two to go!

The wedding was, as you can imagine so beautiful.  The bride (My Second Daughter) and the groom (My Second Son) were glowing.  Their friends and family (including My First Daughter-maid of honor) could not keep the smiles from their faces.  Everyone was so excited and pleased that these two people were finally connecting as a family.  Her son, who was the ring bearer, couldn't have me cuter in his little suit.  And the entire event reminded me of another wedding long, long ago where I was a bridesmaid.  My little brother Satan and his wife Nature,  This wedding, like that one, I danced all night, drank at the open bar until I knew I was done, and had an incredible amount of fun at my very artsy (all actors) and British table.  We were the loud table, wearing fabulous hats, because that's how they do it in England, bless her for bringing them for the uneducated and uncouth Americans. :)  We enjoyed each other so much they have invited me to their home in Chicago for a party this Saturday.  Too bad I really can't fit it in with the testing and then off to school.  But being asked was sure a great feeling.  Those of you that know me know how much I miss just being invited.

The dancing was the best with Our Gay Man About Town and his new boyfriend, and boy could they both dance.  Of course they asked me to dance with them, and since I can, we cleared the floor a couple of times, and I think they were actually filming it.  I know I saw the wedding photographers perk up...FINALLY someone really dancing.  LOL  We did not do any of the corny wedding dances, but drunk people tend to make up their own traditions.  (What was that thing we did to "The Wonder Years" version of With A Little Help From My Friends? Felt like a cross between red-rover, red-rover and ring around the rosey.....drunk adults need to have playground fun too!)

And while I was really happy for them both and everyone else there, I couldn't help, during some romantic moments to miss someone special on my arm.  And since I was already at that other wedding in my head, I remembered that I had met someone very special at that wedding.  I usually tend to meet at least one special person at every wedding I've been too.  Someone that I want to take away with me and make a part of my life.  This time it wasn't a romantic person, unfortunately.  More like a few new couples that share the same time-line of memories.  And THAT is fun to experience from across the pond.  I think we really hit it off with Bowie, and Queen, and then there was all the 80' and 90's rock to dance too.  I wish I could have caught an eye or seen someone I felt like approaching.  There wasn't.  And I have some pretty big shoes to fill in my mind with a few of my favorite ex's, or almost's.

Well I could talk about the beautiful wedding all day, but I need to get going now, and stop missing life, and try to live one.  Somehow today, I think I'd rather sleep and dream, but I can't.  I want to see everyone again before we leave, but suddenly I'm so sad.  Must be the hotel coffee.  It is sad.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

A Time For Everything

So....I haven't had time to write on my novel for weeks, mostly because of school and my pretests (more on that some other post) and some because I just write better with my partner on line, even if we don't talk, there is something very calming and inspiring and a bit reminiscent (Writing Days on Mondays, always make me smile--sorry for the musical pun but I couldn't resist).  I was going to try to remedy this tonight with a writing session. I still am going to try.....I say try, because I know anything could pop up that derails our plans to meet later, AND I'm SOOOO hung over.  I can't even study today, well maybe this afternoon, but at the rate my head is pounding, four hours after aspirin, I doubt it.  The coffee is making a small dent in my sleep encrusted eyes, and my hair looks like i just got off the back of a Harley, (i'd describe the rest but there might be children reading this)   The only thing I might be able to accomplish today is laundry and more drinking.  lol...ouch, that made my head hurt just to think about it.  I need more time.....

No plans to drink again tonight, and I know you are saying, "No sympathy for the self inflected!  And you are right.  I have no regrets, it was so very worth it.  I love building memories, as you know.  And I take everything that Fate throws at me, even if I don't think i have the time to accomplish it, Somehow it always works out.  Of course I'm personal friends with Time so I imagine that has something to do with it it always working out somehow....maybe Nature has a hand in it too, I'll have to ask them.

And while I don't really have to justify my blowing off  some steam and drinking and talking with friends, I will, if only because its what I do.  But I did sooooo deserve last night, I think we all did.   I'll pay for it today, and maybe, just maybe be able to at least take my pretests one more time before my head screams "STOP...for gods sake just stop!"  :)  The one thing that I find remarkable about getting that drunk and it was embarrassing actually, was close to just passing out a couple of times; was that my friends took such good care of me.  They were not embarrassed for me or with me--and of course, still love me.  So my fears of needing to hide under a rock are unjustified.  I suppose I'm being silly, but I NEVER get that drunk.  (I hear you saying "Its not never if it happened...."  grrrrr, I stand corrected.  Seldom it is.  I was embarrassed, but thankfully it didn't spoil the evening, just made me quite....FINALLY, right?  lol

So I will approach today with a rare, and reoccurring smile on my face.  I will hold this memory of caring and love close to my heart, and know there is so much more to come.  Isn't it great how strong you feel with loved ones on your side?
If you haven't read these books, do it!  If you haven't read them in a long time....Do it again!  (that's what she said! crack myself up when i'm one else, just me.)


Sunday, July 31, 2011

Sex In The Windy City

And here I am in Chicago, for "The Daughter That I Didn't Have, But Should Have Had's" (hereafter known as Second Daughter, because that's just too hard to keep typing-- hungover)-- Bachelorette Party.  So it's really Saturday morning, yes I wrote this a day before you all get to read it, but that's just because I didn't want to miss my Sunday morning deadline, and we have brunch and travel plans on Sunday.

The party was a huge success, and I'm so glad that my daughter and I were not only included (of course we would be) but could afford to come.  We all dressed up as slutty versions of ourselves, complete with make up and bright florescent wigs.  (mine was orange, my daughter green, and second daughter purple, other brides maids will be referred to by their color wig, there was Blue Hair Woman, Pink Bob Girl, and Dark Blue Mistress.  Now this was just the wedding party, who at Second Daughters house, had all the usual party favors, penis straws, penis cake, lots of beads, rings, pins, (mine said Major Tease)  and of course our hair selections for the evening.  Was wonderful to dress up and be someone we were not for the evening.  And after our blow job lessons from the party planner, and purchasing our favorite sex toys or lubes, and drinking tons of wine, we left for the Wicker Park district of bar hopping (also known as six points for all you Chicago readers out there.)  While I usually have the most fun with my daughter -Green Hair Girl, and my second daughter Purple Bob Lady (as in Sadie, Sadie, Married Lady for those of you that know musical theater)  I must admit I had a lot of fun with the brides maids last night.

Blue Hair Woman was great at keeping us all together, (that is until we momentarily lost the bride, Purple Bob Lady for a few tense moments).  Blue Hair Woman was full of energy and I related to her camera hog ability.  I always hate my pictures, but was able to have some real fun with her in the Chicago underground as she gave my penis straw head, while I was wearing it stuck in my'd have to see the pictures to understand how fun it was.
Pink Bob Girl not only wanted to adopt me, but reminded me of myself at her age, in her 3 1/2 inch (at least) heels, she was continually getting  me up to dance with them all (we danced all night!  LOVED THAT).
Dark Blue Mistress was not only the easiest to talk to, but we had the same stamina.....started out hot and heavy, but pooped out about the same time, and found many opportunities not only to bond (ladies room talks!) but to share pictures and take some really cute ones for Purple Bob Lady of her really tired bridal party and me!  :D

I could go on and on about how much fun it was, and never really give you the idea of how great it felt to strut my stuff, and get not only admiring glances but actual disbelief that I could be the brides ma.  I think the orange wig must have helped make me look like I was their age.  My real hair got the usual raves from the girls and our wonderful Gay Man About Town escort, and you know its good when both demographics love it.  I still wish I'd get as many glances when I don't have orange hair. But Gay Man About Town did adopt me as a Fairy Princess.  LOL.

We are off to a roast tonight.....and then home early enough to get some Groom Time.  Have I mentioned how much I love this guy second daughter is marrying?  I do.  So I must get ready, and continue to catch up with my loved ones.  I miss you all, and wish at least one of you were here to share this with me, on my arm.

 But we can't always get what we want......but if we try, sometimes, we get what we need.  I'm off to get what I need.  Later.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

A World of Pure Imagination

This is not how I imagined our lives would go, and now we can't find our way out of this deep valley, but I know lost with you, I am safer than found with anyone else.  My imagination is my own worst enemy and my best companion, for my imagination can figure out all sorts of ways to solve every problem I stumble onto.  Unfortunately imagination is not real, and too much time spent there I will suddenly find that my life has flown by.  I make promises that my imagination is completely sincere in keeping and then my waking self says to me, with that look I have, "Really?  Really?  This is what you want?  This is what you need?  This will keep you happy?  This is enough?"

Tough questions, but you know I'm harder on myself than anyone else.  I can honestly say yes to all of that, but I find myself smiling, some all knowing smile with it too.  As if I'm almost daring myself to try this locked door and see what's behind it.  Or further question, WHY is this door locked?  Did I lock it?  Funny, I must have, it's my door, in my head.  I wonder why I locked it?  And is it safe to open now, or will everything I know behind it, come flooding out and wash me away?  Its just memories after all.  How much damage could they really do?

Well, I think we all know the answer to that.  Better keep the locked doors locked.  Maybe open a new door and start putting memories in there.  Maybe it will stay open this time.  Maybe this is enough.  Maybe understanding and compassion is all I really need...
...or maybe just chocolate.  :D

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Sweat Boys - behind the scenes

Last night I experienced another moment in time that felt like a beginning.  A friend of mine has a band.  No surprise there.  The band is not easily pegged in the music industry, it's part 80's, part Dance/Trance, and I think I've said before it's like Depeche Mode and Judas Priest had a kid.  So on my birthday, the lead singer/writer for the band asks me if I wouldn't mind running some lyrics with him.  See, while normally he doesn't collaborate for songs, he wanted to write this sweeping love song lyric to go with this great dance music, and he just wasn't hearing his first hook.  You know, that point where you know it fits the song, and then the juices start to flow.  I reminded him that I'm not a song writer.  Novels, screenplays, poetry, that's more my scene.  And he wasn't concerned, just wanted to have someone he knew was creative that he could bounce ideas off of and see what happened.

I agreed to help and I'm so glad I did.  We discovered after three hours of writing and getting about 80% of the song finished, that we are good collaborators.  I was surprised that it went that quickly, and to tell the truth I think he was too.  He told me they don't normally come that quickly.  Once we discovered the main idea of the song, how the music felt to me, what I heard, and how he saw the characters in the song....well....the rest just seemed to come, like a mental tennis match.  I'd ask him questions about what this character feels, and he'd answer me, and we'd throw words around on a page that gave those feelings.  Checking the meter and flow, the literation.....the phrase 'How do we say this?" came up a lot.  As I looked around his home studio, full of keyboards, bass and guitars, stacks of blank cds, and all manner of high tech studio gadgets I'd never seen before (does it all on his computer), I couldn't help but smile.  I felt like a rock star.  We looked to some 80's icons for inspiration on words and images, and somewhere among all the thinking we found our repeater, two actually.  And changed them from a expected  pop repeater to a more progressive one, a more intelligent storyline, and the song gained a life.  It became more than a song, it became a mini story.  Connected to an earlier song by some well hidden lyrics, but ones we hope Sweat Boys fans will spot.  And maybe this idea off his, is why he wanted a writer of stories to collaborate.

I'm looking forward to seeing it live, and hearing it finished.  I think we might have finished it last night if we hadn't taken that last break to let it soak in, and if he hadn't started drinking wine.  While the grape makes me more free spirited it makes him sleepy.  As young as he is apparently he's getting old, by 9 or so he was ready to stop for the night.  I didn't mind.  I know you can't rush these things, and I know if he can't finish it without me he'll call.  But I'm betting he can now, unstuck and all.  You know I had a friend that said I was his muse, and maybe he was not too far off.  I like that idea, and I've embraced it in the past.  Maybe it would help me to embrace it again.  Maybe this is just what my self esteem and confidence level needed.  Maybe there will be future collaborations, and I can smile when I see them on youtube singing a song I helped write.  Something only the band, me and a few friends might know, well... and the liner notes.  I've demanded a "Thanks Jill" on the liner notes.  LOL
(here is a link to the Sweat Boys in the studio)

I'm off to Harry Potter again today, and then I hope to find someone to write with.  I feel very creative.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Harry Potter Fan Gearing Up For The Last Installment

Five days!  I've only got five days to finish them all, and I'm only on book four!  I'll never make it. . .

My daughter and my god son (the first one, not the second one) are trying to re-read ALL the Harry Potter books before we see part two of the last book.  Opening this Friday. Now it's sold out for, opening night, so this give us one more day.   Six days!  YES.  We might make it.

They are on book five and I am just starting book four, and  the stress level is high.  We are determined.

Maybe his mom, otherwise known as Nature, will not want to go until Sunday.  That would give us ONE MORE DAY.  Seven!  That's doable.  But then we are not seeing it until Sunday.  Hum...decisions, decisions.

We should have started sooner.  I've been averaging a book a day, until the third one.  That took two days, and they keep getting bigger.....means more reading.....less time.....

And we still need to decided what day/time we are going and get our tickets before it's sold out for the weekend.....
What am I doing wasting precious reading time blogging?!
   I need to read.
     And plan
       And buy tickets
          and read some more.

Okay....more coffee....need to stay awake, might have to read all night...
Better turn off the phone, and the computer. . . too many distractions......stay in the bedroom too, away from the television....better grab some food too.  Might forget to eat.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Quotes, Quotes and more Quotes

"I let myself fall in love with you. . . And I let myself let you go. . . Those were two of the best decisions I ever made."

This was the first quote that jumped off the page at me while reading Post Secret this morning, and I thought to myself, whoever wrote that gets me.  I'm so very glad I met him and allowed myself to fall in love with him.  I know the experience nearly destroyed our friendship but I'm glad for having had the experience.  I was shown so much love, tenderness and true caring in such a few short days with him; that I believed without a doubt that he loved me and would be leaving her to be with me.  It was a life changing experience.  Well as it turned out it was only life changing for me.  But I believe I'm a better person today for having known that brief encounter.

And I let myself let you go. . . that part is true too.  Some of you know me very well, and distance means nothing to me.  I've been known to pick up and move on a dime to be with someone I adore, but with him, I just couldn't do it.  Something stopped me, I know you will assume it was his pending marriage,but by him having an affair with me while engaged, I already felt that relationship was over.  Even if he didn't.  No something in him stopped me, a dishonesty of emotion. . . something I couldn't trust and still can't.  Maybe it was just the fact that if he would cheat on the woman he claimed to love and then marry, he would certainly cheat on me.  And we all know I don't share well.  I'm surprised I allowed myself to fall in love with a taken man.  But perhaps I needed to walk a mile in those shoes.

"Everything is alright in the end.  If it's not alright, it's not the end."

I stumbled upon this quote earlier this week and it hit home with me too.  I've made the right decision, hell I make it all the time.  I don't always stand by it so my friends and family don't believe me, but this time I have.  Almost a month now, and I'm really trying hard to not speak to him, and get over it already.  It's hard but not as hard as I thought it would be.  Not as hard as last year.  I believe if he would have just left me alone last year I'd be over it now and we might be friends.  I'm trying to save our writing, and he waits a day or two, sometimes four and then tries to talk to me, and because I am nice and am trying to save something of us, I allow it.  And I think that by allowing it, he assumes everything is alright.  Its unfortunate that either he doesn't believe I loved him this much, or that his feelings are so shallow that four days seems long enough to forget someone.  Every time he tries to communicate with me as a friend it breaks my heart more.  And I'm so bitter now I hardly have any heart left.  This time last year we were still flirting so much I was sure he wouldn't go through with the marriage, but he did.  And even after for a while he was very attentive.  Who can do that?  Marry one woman and keep another?  It makes me sad to remember it all now, but I have to to remain angry and keep him away from me.  You see I want to be with him, and I love him.  So if I don't stay strong, I'll allow him almost anything from me, and call it 'friendship'.  This is not fair to me, or his wife.  And I honestly can't be the 'friend' he apparently needs.  Or, I can't be the friend he wants until I'm over him.  Which is probably more true, as he doesn't love me.  Nor will he ever want to be with me, even if she were out of the picture.  He use to say he would, but he doesn't anymore.  He's completely over me.  And while it tears me apart to realize he never felt what I felt, he claims what he felt was more than he had in years.....years.....
Its all very confusing to me.

So everything is not alright.  Means it's not the end.  I hope the end for us is me actually being able to move on and be his and her friend honestly.  Its my honest hope now.  I just need much more time than I think he is willing to admit to himself.  I wonder why he can't face that?  I wonder why he can't just leave me alone and let me go?  I know he misses me, and I know he must need to be in my life or he would stop.  Its flattering.  I'd be very flattered if it didn't hurt so much.

I'm off to spend the rest of the 4th holiday with my best friend and her wonderfully loyal husband and their fantastic children.  Camping was and has been fun.  The cook out and the miles of stars, warm my heart.  The children make me laugh and fill my heart with joy.  And seeing my best friend still blissfully happy with the man she loved and went after, reminds my heart that if it can happen for her, it can still happen for me.  Forget the times I've thrown true love away.  It can still happen for me.  I'm putting the bitter part of my heart and ego away, locking it up in a box, and trying to forget about him and it.  Every day without him is a success. . . every day without him is a success. . . every day without him is a. . .

Sunday, June 26, 2011

The Jimmy Buffett Experience

So that happened.  Another thing I can check off my list of things I've never done.  And this one is two fold.  One was to experience the concert tailgate, the other is to see Jimmy Buffett.  I know it's hard to believe at 48 years old that I've never done a tailgate.  Its not that I don't listen to bands with that kind of loyal following, its just that I've never been associated with friends that want to tailgate.  But this time is different.  I have a friend who had an extra ticket to Jimmy Buffett and asked me to go with her, and I said yes.  Mostly for the experience.  I have to admit that prior to the concert I was not what you could call fan.  I only remembered one song, the Margaritaville one.  Oh and the Cheeseburger in Paradise one. . .oh and that one about Monday morning, you know the love song, Come Monday, and the one about the Volcano. .  and well you get the idea.  Turns out that even people that aren't admit they are true Jimmy Buffett fans know some Jimmy songs.  So while I was the virgin on this tailgate, and my name badge proudly proclaimed me as "The Woman To Blame", I threw myself into my first concert tailgate.

And let me tell you, it was not as wild as I was afraid it might be, which is frankly fine with me.  Don't get me wrong there were wild ones out there.  It did have its moments of good old fashioned lets get the girls drunk and have them play games like:  Show us your tits or kiss a woman Plinko, and there was a nice group of men who had a shower you could use if you felt the tailgate grime, of course it was a topless shower.  And while I smiled at 'boys being boys', and looked on with the rest, you'll be happy to know I did not join in.  Absolutely not my style, while I have low self esteem, I do not have attention or daddy issues.  That is private fun, and I'm afraid you have to earn that with me.  Other than the drunk people, who are very entertaining to watch, there were a lot of just great people.  Most in costumes ranging from grass skirts and Hawaiian shirts, to full garbed Pirates and their first mates.  Some groups even had matching t-shirts with sexy and 'punny' nick names on the back.  Even the cars were decked out with shark fins and painted windows proclaiming their 'Buffett Bound' or Fin status (Fins to the left!)  Grilling with my tailgate group of about 5 or 6 cars, and hanging with the Pat-Heads or Parrot-Heads as they were that day, was very good fun.  We played games, and drank more than normal.  It was an overcast day, and even with sunscreen I'm still red on my face, should have kept my straw hat on.  oh well.
The concert itself was a great show.  He's an old music biz legend, and has the money to put on a good show.  lots of pretty lights and four big screens at Alpine Valley, which he took advantage of.  No lasers or fireworks or big rock star special effects, but it none of that would have felt right either.  With the 30, 000 people in attendance he somehow managed to make it intimate.  Not an easy accomplishment, but one he managed to pull off as easily as you and I do breathing.  I know he couldn't see me. up on the 7th party deck, stage right of the huge seating arena, and beside the famous sloping field that is Alpine Valley.  But it didn't matter, if felt like he was telling me every story before every song, and singing every song right to me. . . The Woman To Blame.  I sang along where I could, danced to the island beat (my favorite part and my legs hate me), and drank and thought of the ones that got away, the life mistakes I've made and WWJD or "What Would Jimmy Do"
And the answer?  Well, I need a boat, and an island, and tequila to really show you, and like Jimmy I feel like a pirate born 200 years too late, and that there is always a woman to blame, and a cheeseburger in paradise would go down really good right now.  And I know come Monday everything's alright, but I still want you back by my side.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Fate Has Bad Timing

"Fate controls who walks into your life.  You decide who you let walk out, who you let stay and who you refuse to let go."

Have you ever wondered why?  Why Fate chose to have THAT person walk into your life?  Maybe even screamed aloud in frustration to the roof, "WHY NOW?"
Have you ever wondered why?  When you think you finally have it all worked out, that is when someone walks into your life that spins your whole world out of control, and makes you rethink EVERYTHING you thought was truth, or even everyone that you thought made you happy?
Have you ever wondered why? That person that Fate wove into your life thread, was suddenly woven out or cut off?

I've read all the sappy poems about how some people are suppose to be in your life for a season.....I hate those poems.  That doesn't give me comfort at all.  It just makes me more bitter.  What if I want that person for a lifetime, not a season?  What if I'm sure that connections like that don't just fall out of the sky into my lap everyday?  What if I'm sure that this is some tragic mistake, some awful waking nightmare, and no matter how hard I try I can't wake up?  How do you get over someone you can't stop thinking about?  He's like a program running constantly in the background of my mind,(he said that about me once) and when it's quite like now, he is in the foreground.  How could I have been so wrong about his feelings, when for a lifetime, my impressions and intuitions have been dead on in the area of feelings and emotions?

I'll tell you how.  Fate has bad timing, and a is a cold heartless bitch with her sense of humor.  This is not funny, and this is not teaching me anything.  What was it I promised myself last year?  Oh yes, when being with him was more painful than being without him, I'd stop.   I wonder if stopping will make me happier in time?  I wonder if I'll miss him more and more each day like every other time I've tried to leave him, or if this time he will just fade away like so many others that hardly ever cross my mind.  I can't believe that I, the woman that always was so strong and committed, the one that always saw what she wanted and went for it, and got it, is giving up.  Is walking away.  Is admitting defeat by a man that is so afraid of experiencing his feelings, he vows to never be that dependent on another human again.  I really hate the woman that broke his heart, she broke him, and he doesn't even see it.  He thinks he's strong now, and in reality the only thing he learned, is how not to feel.  My proof of this is that he told me last year that I awoke feelings in him he thought were dead.  Remember readers he was engaged at the time.  Proves that true stubbornness trumps true desire every time.  And releasing yourself to true love and emotions knowing you might get hurt is real strength.  And I have that in spades.

As the 'Finance To The Daughter I Never Had' said to me last year, "Its a good thing that your heart is broken and you can really feel all of this, it means you can still feel."  Thank you, you were right.  Is leaving him the secret to getting back to myself?  I think it might be, but I'm so afraid to do it.  Afraid for my heart, mind and my novel.  This one and future ones.  We really are such a good team when writing.  I think that once I finish this novel I'm on, this character study of these two lovers, will make a wonderfully frustrating book.  I just can't write it until I know the end.  And I won't know the end until I'm strong enough to make an ending happen, one way or the other.

(DISCLAIMER:  I wrote all of that on Tuesday, and for five days I have not tried to contact him.  He has e-mailed me his newest chapter and yesterday caught me on line to ask how I was.  And it has been easier and better not talking to him.  While talking to him yesterday did not make me sad, it also did not make me want him.  I was already heartbroken because my children decided to tell me that I have the exact same deficiencies that my last boss did.  So this means I'm a failure with all my personal relationships, professional and personal.  Where my self esteem was low before, now it's at rock bottom.  However talking to him yesterday did make me feel good, and in the exact way a friend should.  I did feel better with his honest opinion and his faith in me that I will sort it all out in time.  He also confirmed that he did want to be my friend and would give me the time I needed.  This felt like a relief rather than an additional heartbreak, for I do want him in my life, but not dishonestly.  Not with a hidden agenda or worse with a pathetic hope he will divorce his wife.   This is good progress, and I believe I am on the right track.  Limited communication might be okay if it's about out novels, and of course important news friend to friend.  But no more endless hours of just waiting for each other to have a minute to say something, no more every morning and every evening having to say hello and good night.  I'm not allowing him to do that anymore, nor am i allowing myself to be there.

The journey continues and I've got a rather sharp, rocky incline blocking my way, but I'm up to the task.  Wish me luck.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Spontaneous Moments are the Most Honest

Ever had one?  Hopefully you've had several, but have you ever noticed its the real spontaneous moments in your life that stand out?  Not always the planed vacations or the big events, but some little moment that happened you weren't expecting.  Maybe even on that planned vacation or big event, but still, something that just clicked and made the moment forever emblazoned in your mind. . .
     Like the first time your eyes meet and you both shyly look away, or even better, the first time your eyes meet and you keep trying to look away but find yourselves staring, with comfortable silence and trying to fill the conversation with anything to seem interesting?
     Or the first time you hear a favorite song on the car stereo and you can't believe that he likes it too, and not only does he turn it up, but sings it with you, or even better while singing takes your hand and you never had to say a thing?
     How about the first time you get the nerve up to ask for that first kiss, and it happens, and it's like no kiss you have ever had before or since?

Such honest feelings behind each one of those moments, surely they ended in happy relationships?

I'll tell you something about spontaneous moments.  No matter whether they are ecstatically happy or gut wrenchingly sad they ALWAYS open a door to an emotion that you either long for, and embrace with a joy you have not felt in maybe forever, or you run from with a fear you cannot express or explain.  This is why they are the most honest of moments and the ones you most remember.

You can't hide from yourself, or rationalize away your feelings in a spontaneous moment, like you can when you've had time to think about it.  You can't run.  You can't lie to yourself and force an almost unbearable compromise.  If we all made our choices following our spontaneous moments, our honest feelings, we'd be happier.  I know it's not always easy to make these decisions, they often times are the hardest ones.  But I've heard it said before that the hardest decisions usually reap the best rewards.  And that something worth fighting for is something worth keeping.

Try not to live your life in fear of what might happen, and just do it.  If you think you are happy in a compromise, you are confusing happy with comfortable.  If you think you are happy in a compromise, just think how much happier you would be if you had everything you dreamed or secretly desired.  Aren't you worth your own dreams? 


Sunday, June 5, 2011

Unemployment = Zero

I've just created the perfect equation for the way we feel when unemployed, and while it's absolutely correct it is also just as equally wrong.  I know, I know, you are thinking, 'Well, no work equals no money.'  and you'd be correct.  But its wrong in what we do to ourselves when we are unemployed.  We put so much stock into what we do for a living, in many cases it defines us, not just what we do, but who we are.  For some of us this is such an important part of our self image, that without a job, we feel like a big fat zero.  Which is wrong.

Yesterday, I was dreading going to a graduation party for one of my friends kids.  And it was for this very reason that I was hesitant to attend.  I didn't want to be THAT person at the party.  The one that looks down or away or quickly answers and then gives a long narrative on WHY they are unemployed.  I didn't want to do that... I ended up doing that each time someone asked me, "So what's new with you?"  And I was fine with just trying to talk about that, my kids, (one in college, one works in TV), my kids relationships, (one is still living life and looking at her options, the other is in a 'domestic partnership'-- I think that's what the kids are calling it this month), , my friends, (OMG that will take hours, lets just say they are all very interesting and have very interesting lives, that's BS, but the ones that have boring lives, even I don't want to hear about so I'll spare you) , That I'm not seeing anyone special yet, (and if he's cute) Why?(while smiling and batting my eyes. . .  still works), my screenplay, my weekly blog, starting on the second draft of my first fantasy novel.

The writing is the part that usually gets a raised eyebrow of accomplishment, but  inevitably if I didn't offer the information about "What I was doing for a living" they would ask, and that accomplishment goes from a risen precipice of , "Wow that's cool,." to the plunging depths of "Oh, I see."  or "Oh, I'm sorry."  or the worst one because it gets me 'explaining'  "Oh,what happened?"

I don't know why it makes me feel so much like that big, fat zero when I don't have a job to list after that question, as if being a mother, and single parent, and good friend, and all that creative writing isn't enough to define me.  Hell I don't even mind saying I'm single.  I have been for so long now that really feels like who I am, and I'm proud of who I am. . . well, I guess except for the unemployment part.  And for those of you like me who feel like everyone is staring at you just because you aren't working, or your job sucks, or it's well beneath your abilities, well you understand the weight of that question and how it makes you feel pity for yourself and out of control of your own life.

Well I've got news for people like us.  It's stupid.  You heard me, it's stupid to feel like this, and make your job or what you happen to be doing for a living right now, your definition of who you are, or worse yet, have that control your happiness.  Or your self esteem.  Time to start answering that question with a mysterious smile of confidence and security, and say, "Work? Oh, I don't work.  How about you?" (don't forget to bat your eyes....still works)

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Love Lessons I Have Learned

Loving someone because they kissed you - is not love - that's infatuation.
Loving someone because you tell each other everything and do everything together - is not love - that's friendship.
Loving someone because it seems reasonable, or possible, and disconnecting from what you truly want - is not love - that's compromise.
Loving someone because you are afraid they will leave you, or not like you if you leave - is not love - that's charity.
Loving someone because you feel you can't live without them - is not love - that's dependence.
Loving someone because you've touched until you both were heavily breathing puddle of realized and unrealized passions - is not love - that's lust.
Loving someone because you dream and fantasize about them or can't stop thinking about them - is not love - that's hope.
But wanting someones happiness over your own - that's love.
Regretfully letting someone go because they cannot stay - that's love.
And when being apart, you still in some desperate and uncontrollable desire, know you need, want and love each other as a part of you, that sacrifice may be the greatest love of all.
Love is what's left over after being in love has burned away. . . love is indefinable. . . love just is.

Wow, Spring must really be here, I'm in a very reflective and romantic mood.  I think I'll leave you this week with just all that to think about.  There is a lot there to keep you occupied. Try asking  yourself where each person you have loved fits, and see who's face you see most often.   It might surprise you.  It might not be who you think it will be.  Or should be.  Beware the person that comes close or fits all the good ones.....they might just be one of your perfect matches.  (and I bet you're not with them)  And while you're at it, if your current relationship is only compromise and charity and dependence, with some infatuation and lust, run!   BUT if you have lots of friendship and hope and all the last ones, with lust and infatuation thrown, you have something not only worth holding on to, but you already know it will stand up to anything life can throw at you.  You may even find that no one, not even you, completely understands why you love who you love.  But that's real love....unexplainable.  Time, Distance, Problems, Differences, all seem to melt into some strange and wonderful soup of understanding between just the two of you.  And you don't have this relationship with anyone else.       You have been warned, now think.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Return of the Jedi

"NEVER say never."  I do you know.  I'm just like the rest of you.  I have many times in regards to many situations and people and I guess I'll never learn that it's so true.  NEVER say never.  It is the one thing that Fate will bite you on the ass with.

For example:  I have said, sadly and with much regret, "I guess I'll never speak to him again."  And truly felt it would be the end of things.  And as has happened in the past with others, that person PINGS back into my life, quite unexpectedly and completely without preamble or ulterior motive.  And this glorious event happened last Saturday night.  And let me tell you, it was a very surreal experience.

My #3 husband was down for a visit with his daughter, and as all of you know we are still pretty good friends, as good a friends as exes can be, I guess.  Most would say we should teach a class on how to divorce and remain friends, (actually his daughter would probably say I should teach the class as she doesn't like the way he treats me, but I digress)  Mr. Selfish (husband #3) will always be who he is and I stopped trying to change him years ago.  In fact he was the one man in my life that proved to me that you can't change people and that's not love.  And most of you know, long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, that during our whirlwind get together from friends to a couple, husband #2 (affectionately known as Darth Vader) was burned.  HARD-CORE, by two of his closest Jedi friends.  (that's actually a pretty good pun considering Anakin was friends............stop groaning...)    And since I was the bad-guy (don't let them lie to you and say there are never any bad guys or good guys in a break up. . . there are, and while it does take two to argue, it usually only takes one to fuck up)  Anyway, long story short, I figured I'd never hear from Darth again. . . . how wrong I was.

While husband #3 was sleeping on my couch, I was logged into facebook to see what I had missed during his visit and I find a facebook message of friendship from Darth.  WOW.  after 24 years and one quick apology and communication about 10 years ago. .  . he has finally joined the rest of us, well most of us, two are still missing and Mr. Selfish 'has no time for facebook'  go figure.  Darth has joined husband #1 (Miss Joey Jermain) and me on facebook.

Now when I saw this message it was short, sweet and guaranteed to make me respond.  I will not share it with you because you couldn't possibly understand the power of the dark side.  Of course I responded, and am happy to say when  I suggested that he have his wife add me, she did within 30 minutes of our new beginning.  This made me happier than you can possibly imagine.  A man from my past without any motive other than missing me and wanting to catch up.  How refreshing was that?  No drama, where there certainly could have been.  Just a greatly missed, extended hand from the past, into the future, from the web's void.
Now what makes it so surreal.....husband #3 is sleeping on my couch, I'm talking and instructing husband #2 in his privacy settings so he can add me, and of course while all this is going on I'm writing on husband #1's wall "guess who just found me?" and having an on line chat with my secret long distance crush.  And I thought I was full of love and good feelings about myself last weekend.  Wow.  I'm not ever going to say never again.  And this fills me with such hope. . . . (A new hope. . .....okay I'll stop now).

You truly don't know what your life is going to be until it is over.  You may think you are down when in reality you are on an upswing.  My life took a turn for the worse last Wednesday, and this blog was going to be about how wronged I felt I had been by losing my job (actually I didn't lose it, I KNOW exactly WHERE IT IS.....thanks K-Space and American Beauty) But I understand now exactly where that kind of negative thinking will get me.

Am I okay, mentally and personality wise, HELL YES.  Financially, for a little while now I will be....Am I worried about money, you bet, what adult wouldn't be.  But I have a plan, I've implemented it and I'm doing all I can do, and will do all I can to find a new job.  Wish me luck, or as Darth would say, "May the Force be with you."

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Sex and Beer!

Wow!  All I can say is WOW.  What a great night last night.  I was with almost all the Pat Heads at Weinerfest, a local kick off to summer round these parts.  And Pat McCurdy, whom I'm mentioned in my blog in the past, opened the nine hour event, followed by Brat Pack Radio and Headbangers Ball.  Pat was over the top good!  More on that later.  :)  Brat Pack Radio was as usual top notch, and while it was my first experience at Headbangers Ball, I must say, they would do well to lose the drunk eye candy.  The boys were great, and on stage they had to make excuses for their only female member who was so wasted that we feared she might not only throw up on us but fall off the stage on us! It only took them about four or five times of holding and dragging to convince her that after three songs she was done.  However, MY friends, being artists themselves are very unforgiving when it comes to this kind of unprofessional behavior and it made for a ton of very incriminating pictures all over fb.

But I digress, while surrounded by good eats and probably too much liquid refreshment, (my HEAD AND BODY are killing me) I had a most memorable time.  For I was able to witness the most surprising and refreshing public testimony of love that I ever have.  A Popular 95.7 Morning DJ and his Long Time Lady Love have been Pat Heads for much longer than I.  And in making their acquaintance at my first show I was immediately welcomed into the 'inner circle' if you will, of Pat Heads in La Crosse.  Showing up at all his performances here and even on in the cities I was lucky enough to catch, has further cemented my love of the warm vibes and as Pat would say, "Spreading the love around (insert city name here)".  But I have to tell you no matter how trite it sounds it's true. I don't know why or how, I can't even really explain it.  But somehow Pat succeeds in this, and no matter how bad a day I've had or how low I might feel about myself, one of his shows not only makes me feel wonderful again, and good about myself, but the vibe is contagious, and the smiles on all my friends faces are too.  Now keep this in mind while I tell you why last nights performance was so much more so than any other.

During the closing song, Sex and Beer, where we all get up on stage (one of many times) to sing and dance with Pat, there is a part of this song where Pat demands that we all hold hands and look at each other and say outrageous things to each other; like: "Thats the biggest Weiner I've seen in my life" or "Are you a good witch or a bad witch" or my personal favorite, "Tell me Clarisse, have the lambs stopped screaming?". . . anyway you get it.   Last night, unbeknown to anyone but Pat and that Popular 95.7 Morning DJ he had said , "If you are (insert name of DJ here) ask your Long Time Lady Love the question"  its such a blur now i can't remember if Pat did more than that as he was already holding my hand for the song and pulled me aside so that the rest of our line would follow and whispered, "Watch this."  As Popular 95.7 Morning DJ got down on one knee, with small black velvet box in hand and proposed, on stage, in front of all of us and his beautiful Long Time Lady Love was speechless, nervously waving her hands in front of her, shyly going from moving slowly towards him to backing away from the ring in happy and excited energy.  She of course said yes, and the video of this happy moment is on my fb page.

Talk about contagious happy moments!  All I can say is WOW.  And I couldn't be happier for them both.  I can't wait for the Pat Head section of the wedding.  :D

Sunday, May 8, 2011

The Best Advice of Mice and Men

"Just get over it already."
"Try to live your life and move on."
"You deserve better."
"Your weakest state is about 20% stronger than everyone else, I know you'll make it."
"Aren't you tired of feeling this way?
"This behavior is not good for you. . . You should just stop."

All great advice, but my query is How?

They say you only ask advice from friends that you are assured you will get the answers you want.  Interesting, because thats not the case in my story.  I hate advice like the above, because I've already come to those conclusions on my own.  What I'm looking for is the HOW of it.  HOW do you 'just get over it' or 'move on' or believe you 'deserve better' than what you know you need, want and love?  It doesn't help to hear that you are strong and can do it, when you believe you are at your weakest and have tried everything, either.  That's when the voices start.  You know, the ones in your head that tell you you are doomed, undeserving, and alone for a reason.

Lately in my stumbling upon quotes I ran across this one right after a brilliant animation on 'Thought of You" which I would share with you right here, but I'm not sure the link will post, but i'll try.  Here goes:
(I thought of three very different men from my past while watching this, from three different decades.)80's, 90's and this one . . hum. . . put your thinking caps on all my best friends out there.  I KNOW you will come to the correct answers if you feel instead of think)
The quote was as follows:
"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.  So love the people that treat you right, and forget the ones that don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason.  If you get a chance take it!  If it changes your life let it!  NOBODY SAID IT WOULD BE EASY, THEY JUST PROMISED IT WOULD BE WORTH IT!"-Anonymous

I really like that Anonymous chick.  Anyway.  I believe that quote, and maybe that is why my friends think I'm strong.  I have done that.  Let life change my life on what others might perceive as a whim, or a CHANCE, an opportunity.  And I've always preached that life was too short to regret.  Yet my life is full of them. . .regrets.  Most not what I've done, but the lost opportunities of not acting quickly enough or pushing away out of a real fear to be truly happy or believe that the love standing in front of me, was real.  The 'How could it happen to me and be real' fallacy.  I'm sure you've felt that too, and run just as quickly.  You might not think that you ran, but if you think back you might be able to see the moment in time where you convinced yourself that it would never work before you even gave it a chance.  I know I've done that twice before, once in the 80's and once in the 90's and I regret both of them very much to this day.  NOT the men. . . the act of me pushing them away.  So far away from me that one I will never find again, and the other can't seem to communicate with me much at all anymore, even though we try on occasion on line to at least have small talk.  Which I think is painful to us both it being so far removed from where we were as lovers.

Its true. .  friendship can often bloom into love, but love once tasted, can never fade back into friendship.  I suppose we are an example of that loss.  And again I must live with my choices.
As we all do.
As we all try to do.
Which brings me back to my original query. . .

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Change and the Fear of Change

“Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.”- Denis Waitley

I stumbled across this quote this morning, while still  in my pjs and drinking coffee, and it changed my entire outlook.

I've been having a rough year in my romantic life, but that is not my only life, my family and friends are still the most wonderful people on the planet, and my career was looking up and so successful we had all put the couple of bad calls behind us.  That was until Wednesday.  It was such a let down to hear that I had been given a final written warning at work.  And of course that day, the day of the Worlds Largest Office Party, I was dressed to the nines and feeling like a zero.

With my future in a dark cloud of the unknown I went hoping that the good music (The Remainders and Pat McCurdy were my favs) and good friends would bring me out of my feeling that I was a complete failure.  And for two hours while waiting to run into someone that cared, I felt so alone.  In a crowd of over 4000 people milling about, standing at my table with my now empty drink, I felt somehow that everyone could see the sad woman who can't hold a job or a husband. I had sent out three texts to discuss how angry I was, and how disappointed, and got a response FINALLY.  Not from my daughter, or the friend I knew was going to be there, but from my writing partner.  Imagine my surprise when it was him first.  Happily I split my guts and he was very successful in keeping the angry tears at bay and making me realize that "If I had failed at becoming a 'robot automaton, well that was actually good in his book."  And this was after several failed attempts for me to realize I was not alone and NOT a failure.
(in my daughters defense and my friend, they did eventually either respond via text or in person)

What I've decided with some healthy support and sleeping on it, is that I'm not a failure.  I've tried harder than anyone else and come so far.  And what I may have to understand is no matter how hard I try I may not be able to be who they need me to be.  And therefore if I can't change it, accept it as unchangeable and remove myself from the experience.

This quote is so simple and yet so profound, it should be used in your mind before any choices, especially the hard ones.  I could attach this to so many areas of my life and I think I will.  After all, aren't I the one always saying, "Life is short and you should LIVE it."  How can I expect to live a full life if I'm strangled with fear over change?  Nothing is impossible with change, but people unwilling to change will never achieve anything, nor will they ever learn anything about themselves.

This experience has and is still teaching me very valuable lessons in human nature and reaction, and as a human I need them, as a writer they are valuable.  I will continue to try to achieve there, but I am also actively applying at other opportunities.  I am stepping through yet another doorway in my journey, I wonder where this one leads. . . wait, let me check for tricks and traps and look up before entering. . .  old gaming habits never die. . .
Wish me luck

Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Block - Learned behavior vs Feelings

So as most of you know, since The Ides of March, I've had a new and different point of view where my crush, and writing companion is involved.  And it's been both better and worse.  I hadn't realized just how much he had been a part of my life until he was gone.  I've been able to get so much more done, being with friends, enjoying my favorite pastimes of reading and watching movies, and I actually CLEANED ALL THE THINGS yesterday, and the house looks and smells wonderful.  And my job has improved 100% I'm making all my goals every week now (3rd week in a row, and if I made it last week it will be 4 and I'll be on my way to a bonus)  I feel so accomplished in every facet of my life, except two.

The first is no surprise. . . relationships.  In fact before my last crush I was completely happy to be single and had learned to live alone and love it.  That is the problem. . . I LEARNED it.  Didn't realize I wasn't FEELING it until he came along and opened up that dusty chest of feelings I had locked away.  It's a good thing that it's open, it's just unfortunate that Cupid didn't strike us both at the same time.  Next time I'm hoping Cupid's aim is more accurate.

The second is quite unexpected and one I am sure I can control, which is also a good thing, but I'm at a loss as to HOW.  I'm blocked.  I haven't written a word on my novel (and sadly the first draft was so close to completion) since our last blow up and my new LEARNED behavior.  I know, I know, it's not good because I'm not FEELING it, but with time I hope to.  I hadn't realized how much I looked forward to our writing together, and his not so patient waiting for my next chapter, until it was gone.  He was such a good audience to write to.  And he still says he wants to read it and hopes I can finish it, but I'm holding back now, not him.  He is being honest with me, he's trying to remain my friend, trying against impossible odds, and my ever changing moods where he is concerned must be a constant confusion to him. But I keep telling myself I was a successful writer with actual finished stories before we met, and began our friendship/partnership/whatever that was on top there. . . , and I will be again.  But how?

I've toyed with the idea of locking myself away today since I have a Sunday with nothing planned to distract me, . . .and laundry beckons, but that is a normal part of Sunday writing for me. . . one errand is poking it's ugly head up at me, but really how long will that take, not long. . . so I still should be able to quietly sit down with my open documents and maybe even a glass of wine and reread where I was last month and continue.  I've even toyed with the idea of going back and doing my second draft before the first is finished.....NOT recommended, by any successful writer, but alas, I'm desperate.  I've even toyed with the idea of trying to write with him today as he offered an invitation to do so, as he feels 'ready' to try that again.  I know he's been more successful at trying to write since our blow up but not enough to submit any work for editing, so he may be just as blocked and not telling me, who knows anymore.  I'm convinced that what he tells me and what he feels are two very different things, and I'm not so sure any of them are good for me.  I've convinced myself that he never cared, and I know that is wrong but it keeps the fires of hate and anger burning just enough to keep me away from him, which is what I think I need.  What I've LEARNED I need.  Not what I FEEL I need.  What I FEEL I need he can't and won't give me, and rightly so if his words are to be believed because he doesn't love me anymore.  (and maybe never did.  and he certainly knows he never will)  You really can't fight that kind of self assuredness.  And I won't try.  I myself have made choices in the past based on those exact feelings.  And while they felt like the best choices and the obvious ones that would make me happy, I was more wrong than I knew then.  I'm not saying he is wrong, only that I was, and my experience is screaming for justice.  (this is how Doug must have felt banging he head against my wall for two years. .  . I guess this is my Karma, as NOW I know just how frustrating it is to be in love with someone who has suddenly decided to not feel anything for you anymore.  Doug tried for two years after I married. . . I felt sorry for him.  I refuse to be pitied by my crush.)

He says he doesn't read my blog anymore, he's tired of coming off as a petulant child or bastard, and I can't blame him, but if he feels that way, then he wasn't really reading it anyway.  He missed all the love and desire and longing, and the ways I always made myself out to be as much to blame for our current state of affairs.  I guess the real problem is I miss him the way we were when we were happiest, and I can't get back to that point.  I'd like to build from where we are, but again I don't know how.  I guess it will have to be with LEARNED feelings until they become my real FEELINGS.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I've tried blocking him and making myself invisible, only to undo it before he even knows I've done it.  I wish it didn't feel so wrong to leave him, but a part of my soul just won't let me.  I'm not sure how I feel about that either.  No matter what I'm determined to at least open my documents today and stare at the pages, and hope one of my characters is so anxious to tell me what happens next that I can't stop writing until it's time to sleep.  It's happened before, several times, it could again. . .

Wish me luck.