Sunday, August 28, 2011

Are you still waiting, or are you running to catch?

I'm here in Chicago for sales school, writing to you, while having my breakfast in bed, and I've got a ton of memorization to get perfect before my first presentation to my teacher tomorrow morning.  Then I have to give my final presentation to the big wigs upstairs on Wednesday, followed by a final and graduation on Thursday.  Am I nervous?  Yes.  Am I worried that I won't be word perfect?  Yes.  Will I be ready by tomorrow?  Yes...I'm studying and role playing all day and into the evening...whatever it takes to get it polished.  My roommate and I both have teams from our individual classes, that spend more time socializing than learning, and we are committed.  So we are going to help each other out.  We're suppose to stick with our teams, but my team has disappeared.  And I have to look out for my best interests too...hopefully I'll run into one of them later and can join them for a round of role-playing, but I can't rely on them, unfortunately.
I'm trying to keep my attitude positive, but of course, doubt is creeping in.

Will I be able to succeed at this?  I hope so, I don't know for sure, but I hope so.  I do know that even if I can't do this the way that I want I won't consider it a failure.  I've met too many good people I want to stay in touch with, and I've learned too much about myself during this time to consider it a failure.  I am finding a lot of personal growth in this school,  philosophy and that has been very valuable to me both in my career and personal life.

I'm finding that I'm looking at personal situations quite differently, and while my eyes are open now, the good news is so is my heart.  I'm trying so hard to look at my life as if it is just beginning and that that is a good thing.  That if I can just hold on to my dreams, perhaps they are waiting for me, right around the corner, and all I have to do is go for it!  So instead of thinking on the negative, that I'm still waiting for my life to begin....I'll twist that, into I'm going to catch the life that is waiting around the corner for me!


Sunday, August 21, 2011

this weeks blog under construction

Hello all,
I had a blog all written....even posted it.  Then I stopped...reread it and considered that perhaps this one should just be for me.  I have saved it, and if you happened to have read it before it was taken down, keep it to yourself, and try to understand that sometimes my heart screams for justice, and my mind hides from fear.

this week my thoughts are for me, and while I try to share, I just can't.  I can't have my heart broken again.  I can't stand it.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

One down, two to go!

The wedding was, as you can imagine so beautiful.  The bride (My Second Daughter) and the groom (My Second Son) were glowing.  Their friends and family (including My First Daughter-maid of honor) could not keep the smiles from their faces.  Everyone was so excited and pleased that these two people were finally connecting as a family.  Her son, who was the ring bearer, couldn't have me cuter in his little suit.  And the entire event reminded me of another wedding long, long ago where I was a bridesmaid.  My little brother Satan and his wife Nature,  This wedding, like that one, I danced all night, drank at the open bar until I knew I was done, and had an incredible amount of fun at my very artsy (all actors) and British table.  We were the loud table, wearing fabulous hats, because that's how they do it in England, bless her for bringing them for the uneducated and uncouth Americans. :)  We enjoyed each other so much they have invited me to their home in Chicago for a party this Saturday.  Too bad I really can't fit it in with the testing and then off to school.  But being asked was sure a great feeling.  Those of you that know me know how much I miss just being invited.

The dancing was the best with Our Gay Man About Town and his new boyfriend, and boy could they both dance.  Of course they asked me to dance with them, and since I can, we cleared the floor a couple of times, and I think they were actually filming it.  I know I saw the wedding photographers perk up...FINALLY someone really dancing.  LOL  We did not do any of the corny wedding dances, but drunk people tend to make up their own traditions.  (What was that thing we did to "The Wonder Years" version of With A Little Help From My Friends? Felt like a cross between red-rover, red-rover and ring around the rosey.....drunk adults need to have playground fun too!)

And while I was really happy for them both and everyone else there, I couldn't help, during some romantic moments to miss someone special on my arm.  And since I was already at that other wedding in my head, I remembered that I had met someone very special at that wedding.  I usually tend to meet at least one special person at every wedding I've been too.  Someone that I want to take away with me and make a part of my life.  This time it wasn't a romantic person, unfortunately.  More like a few new couples that share the same time-line of memories.  And THAT is fun to experience from across the pond.  I think we really hit it off with Bowie, and Queen, and then there was all the 80' and 90's rock to dance too.  I wish I could have caught an eye or seen someone I felt like approaching.  There wasn't.  And I have some pretty big shoes to fill in my mind with a few of my favorite ex's, or almost's.

Well I could talk about the beautiful wedding all day, but I need to get going now, and stop missing life, and try to live one.  Somehow today, I think I'd rather sleep and dream, but I can't.  I want to see everyone again before we leave, but suddenly I'm so sad.  Must be the hotel coffee.  It is sad.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

A Time For Everything

So....I haven't had time to write on my novel for weeks, mostly because of school and my pretests (more on that some other post) and some because I just write better with my partner on line, even if we don't talk, there is something very calming and inspiring and a bit reminiscent (Writing Days on Mondays, always make me smile--sorry for the musical pun but I couldn't resist).  I was going to try to remedy this tonight with a writing session. I still am going to try.....I say try, because I know anything could pop up that derails our plans to meet later, AND I'm SOOOO hung over.  I can't even study today, well maybe this afternoon, but at the rate my head is pounding, four hours after aspirin, I doubt it.  The coffee is making a small dent in my sleep encrusted eyes, and my hair looks like i just got off the back of a Harley, (i'd describe the rest but there might be children reading this)   The only thing I might be able to accomplish today is laundry and more drinking.  lol...ouch, that made my head hurt just to think about it.  I need more time.....

No plans to drink again tonight, and I know you are saying, "No sympathy for the self inflected!  And you are right.  I have no regrets, it was so very worth it.  I love building memories, as you know.  And I take everything that Fate throws at me, even if I don't think i have the time to accomplish it, Somehow it always works out.  Of course I'm personal friends with Time so I imagine that has something to do with it it always working out somehow....maybe Nature has a hand in it too, I'll have to ask them.

And while I don't really have to justify my blowing off  some steam and drinking and talking with friends, I will, if only because its what I do.  But I did sooooo deserve last night, I think we all did.   I'll pay for it today, and maybe, just maybe be able to at least take my pretests one more time before my head screams "STOP...for gods sake just stop!"  :)  The one thing that I find remarkable about getting that drunk and it was embarrassing actually, was close to just passing out a couple of times; was that my friends took such good care of me.  They were not embarrassed for me or with me--and of course, still love me.  So my fears of needing to hide under a rock are unjustified.  I suppose I'm being silly, but I NEVER get that drunk.  (I hear you saying "Its not never if it happened...."  grrrrr, I stand corrected.  Seldom it is.  I was embarrassed, but thankfully it didn't spoil the evening, just made me quite....FINALLY, right?  lol

So I will approach today with a rare, and reoccurring smile on my face.  I will hold this memory of caring and love close to my heart, and know there is so much more to come.  Isn't it great how strong you feel with loved ones on your side?
If you haven't read these books, do it!  If you haven't read them in a long time....Do it again!  (that's what she said! crack myself up when i'm one else, just me.)