Sunday, April 25, 2010

Message to Good Friends

I must start this weeks blog off on a very personal note, and that really shouldn't surprise anyone, after all that's pretty much all my blog is anyway. I had the most wonderful weekend and I can't tell you all how great it was to see you all again and how uplifted and loved I felt being surrounded by so much real love and emotion. It has been WAY too long.

When I hit the cities I knew I was in for a wonderful weekend, when Jana, who is all of 7 years old, and would give Mick Jagger a run for his money in the energy department, came running out of her house to meet me in the driveway and hug me before I could even get the bags out of my hand.

My daughter, Diana and I were immediately whisked away by April and Joe to go dancing at a ballroom dance studio. And I had a blast. I hadn't danced like that in years, and we learned the basic tango, and cha-cha, and then stayed for the dance party where we got to hoof it with the other students and instructors. Got to disco, and maranga. But i think they all loved me trying to keep up in the Viennese much faster waltz and harder than I've ever tried. Was kind of proud i could keep up with one of the instructors in the disco at least, I'm sure he was toning it way down for me. but it was still so much fun. If I lived there, I'd go and do that every night. And as out of practice as I was, each one of the instructors and students that I danced with said I should come back because I either had a natural ability or good rhythm. (bows modestly in the back ground, smiling)

Then Saturday was filled with catching up with my best friends Jer and Erin and getting to know my new godson Frederic and spoiling Galanna and Jana. I love this family so much, and I'm always sad to leave them. Of course we spend the entire day visiting, cooking, and when April and Joe came by again to see us, a bon fire and, after the kids were asleep, word games. We are a group of friends that enjoy all types of games from board games to role playing games. Word games after drinking several bottles of wine can be not only challenging but hysterical. And our evening was no exception. We were going to try to fit Johnny Depp in there somewhere, because all of you that really know me, know there is ALWAYS room for Johnny Depp, but we just couldn't swing it. Another time.

And then today, the big event, All the godparents, Me, Stevie, April and Joe for Galanna and Frederic's baptism. I'm sure you are all aware by now, since I'm actually typing this blog, that I did not burst into flames upon entering the church, nor did I after lighting the Christ candle or taking Communion. I really pushed the envelope this time. But my father, the ex preacher, would be proud I'm sure, that I actually remembered the Lords Prayer and the 23rd Psalm by heart to recite at the right moment. Sang a bunch of rockin' gospels too. It's a very liberal church. :)

And now we are home, trying to get geared up for another busy week of working too hard never having enough time to see the people we love. I'm reminded of all my friends who live far away from me and who I miss so much. From Chicago to Colorado, from Vancouver to New York, and yes I think there may even be a few of you in Texas and California. Oh and lets not forget the family and friends in Wisconsin that are hours away. I miss you all and love you all. Give yourselves huge hugs from me and what the hell, a kiss too. And remember, I'm always on your side, I'm always in your corner, and I'll always listen.

See you next weekend!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Let The Healing Begin!

For those of you following this blog, I'm sure the title this week will make you smile. I've been trying, for the last 2 days to take my own advise from last weeks blog and try to enjoy my life while living it. To give myself a boost out of my rut, and live each day here at home as if I were on vacation. Or at least, as one of my friends would say, "Allow yourself to be AWESOME".

And I have to say it's working.

I'm trying my best to get over a recent obsession, and in our wisdom we have decided to not speak to each other for an undetermined amount of time. No phone calls, no facebook, no instant message chats for hours and hours. So like we use to say in the 80's, we're giving each other some space.

I'm immediately reminded of George Carlin and his stand up routine, where he says, "and if you're one of these people that needs a little space, go the f**k outside!"

I'm big on confrontation and settling emotions, not swallowing them. I know the result in denial. But I'm not the puddle of emotion that I thought I would be with no contact from him. In fact the last two days without hearing from him or seeing him pop up on my internet feeds, have been happier than the rest of the time I have spent without him, since I left his presence.

This was a great confusion to me, at first. At first I worried that I might be in denial, that it was too quick for me to be over the tears for the depth of emotion that I feel for him. But another friend reminded me that denial is a part of the healing process, but it's been given such a bad definition by the populace that we just don't talk about it as a part of the healing process. And I wonder at that. Is denial, the ignoring of facts, a way to heal? Is denial the next step after sadness and anger, a way to convince yourself that what you know is not true so you can move forward more quickly. Or is it a dangerous swallowing of emotion that will eventually rear it's ugly head?

I guess only time will tell.

I feel so much better not talking to him, pretending that he's truly gone from my life, on the outside. That I wonder if I should ever speak to him again, and that's when I hear the voice in my head start to keen softly in the background and I must ignore it or be swept up in the emotion.

On the inside, I think about him all the time, and I still take him with me where ever I go, the only difference now, is I can't share my life with him. I had such a great day yesterday, connecting with old friends I haven't spent time with in almost a decade, fencing and talking outside in the sun with the rest of the people on the planet who are living their lives in the moment.

I miss my friend. I miss the sharing of our lives, and knowing that that connection is still there, and not just a one sided feeling now. I miss that part more than anything else that happened after. I miss my friend more than my lover. (and those of you that know me REALLY WELL, can attest to the fact that that must be a lot of missing, because I'm a romantic lover at heart, a hopeless romantic.)

And I may have lost him forever.

That thought brings me close to tears, but only close. So the healing is beginning, and perhaps if I let it, it will continue even faster than I had hoped. I'm just glad I stopped crying, was really hurting my eyes, and my make-up was a mess.

I have a huge week ahead of me, starting a second new part time job on Monday, and going to the Twin Cities this weekend for my god son's baptism. (hope i don't burst into flames when I enter the church.....non believer and all, keep your fingers crossed that Carl Sagan doesn't send down another meteor)...I need to do some re-writes in my novel, and I'd like to spend some more time with the people in my life and coming back into my life right now. As RUSH says, in the song Time Stand Still, "I'm not looking back, but I want to look around me now."

Oh and speaking of RUSH, I just got tickets for Aug.27 concert, will be my 8th time of seeing them and I'm so pumped!!!! I know they will be glad to see me there too. LOL
After all, I need a Time Machine, and of course they know that, and named the tour for me, so I'd know they are keeping up with my life. I hope Ged pulls out the Ricky for this, I miss the Ricky.

*****************internet warning for the really dull and humorless************
(this is a private joke between me and my RUSH fans friends, you know who you are, it's not meant to be in any way a serious statement that I know RUSH or that they know me.....just seems like it when I listen to Neil's lyrics. RUSH is the soundtrack to my life. That is all. :)
********************end internet warning for the really dull and humorless***********

see you next weekend.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Karma Cameleon

On Post Secret this morning I read two posts that really stood out to me, I'd like to share one with you today, because it really captured my imagination and my feelings. It said,and I quote:

"My greatest desire is to love my life while I'm living it."

Wow. Wouldn't that be great? Recently I spent some time with an old friend, on vacation, and while on vacation, of course, I was in the moment, as we all are. And it really seemed like I was living in the present, enjoying my life, WHILE living it.

And then, of course, the vacation was done, and it was time to come home to the grind of the usual ruts we plow ourselves into, without trying, and sometimes without noticing. And the weeks have past now, and I'm back in my real life, and finding that I'm having difficulty enjoying my life while I'm living it. My past experiences seem so much more exciting, and fun filled than my present, rut filled days.

Why do we do this to ourselves? It's really just an attitude adjustment. Perhaps if we could think of our daily ruts as vacation time, especially on days off, instead of being bored and doing the same lame face book posts, or games, or worse, just wasting valuable time on line, hoping to connect with someone from the void, instead of living life, with real people, in real situations, that could turn into real feelings......

Ah, maybe that's the whole issue....real feelings. The past mistakes loom....
I'm reminded of one of my favorite quotes from the David Mamet movie State and Main, "The only second chance life gives us, is the chance to make the same mistake twice."

This mistake, or offer to make the same mistake, I should say, keeps coming up in my life. Now I've used this, lets call it an option, as a test subject in my life. Helps me try to sort out the cosmic sense of humor of whoever or whatever is in charge out there.
****disclaimer interruption******
And for any of my readers out there, just so you know, I don't really believe that anyone is in charge, but for the sake of argument for those of you that do....we'll say something might be there. I really don't have the patience to turn this into a religious discussion today, but I can be reached for intense religious debates at my face book page. see link at the top of this page.)
****end disclaimer interruption******

So back to my test option. I've used this option to test the outcome, and each time I've been offered the path, I've picked a different road. Seemed the thing to do.

The first time, I had the affair, I was married, and the person I cheated with became my third husband. That's right kiddo, number three at 23. Well the affair was at 23, didn't land the guy until 24. But while I thought I had made the right choice, sadly I had not. Leaving hubby number 2 was right, but there was another man involved, that surprised me, and I was so obsessed with my possible hubby number 3 I couldn't see the forest for the trees. And to make matters worse we were all good friends. Even though the connection with this younger man, was wonderful on every level, I pushed him away for fear of the future, change, and the possibility of real happiness. I didn't know that was why I was pushing him away then. I thought it was because the age difference was too great, and he was too young to be taken seriously.....what a tragic mistake. I believed he might leave me for a younger woman someday. But that's exactly what my 3rd hubby did. Self fulling prophesy. And the surprising younger man that I should have run away with, haunts me still. This was the test and here is where i failed.

Now to Karma and how funny Fate is.

So some years pass, and Fate or God or Carl Sagan, decided to put the possibility of having an affair in front of me again. This time with, you guessed it, another younger man. And this time, he was the one in an relationship and I was too, with one of his friends. Also about 12 years my junior. I think that I've been cursed with younger men, but that's another story. This man, although highly attractive to me was kept as a friend. And still is to this day. Don't get me wrong, the sexual attraction is still there, but we just don't act on it. We flirt and sometimes it gets pretty hot, but we don't touch. And by definition and admission he's a player, so I think my restraint, when it happens, should count for something, if only for the guilt I feel, that he doesn't. Still friends after 15 years.

Then some more years pass and I get another opportunity. This time with a married friend of mine and I'm single. He's been relentless in his pursuit of any sexual activity outside his marriage, and I'm not friends with his wife, at this point. For reasons I don't want to go into, I was hit with grief the size of a runaway locomotive and just as damaging. And he caught me in a moment of grief, and I succumbed, more willingly than I would like to admit, and it was pleasurable enough to come back again one more time, before we ended it. After two years of watching him repeat this performance with other young women, and by now I was friends with his wife. I told her. I couldn't let her think she was going insane or that she was unattractive. You see, her female instinct had kicked in, and she knew he was cheating, but couldn't prove it, and thought she way going crazy, and that she was completely undesirable, because his efforts were elsewhere. She was none of those things, and I had come to respect her and hate him a little. So I told her, thinking I was doing her a favor, in showing her that she deserved better. She was filled with rage, and left my home forever, and moved with him, to work on their marriage. I hope it is still together and happy, and I know I will regret this path forever. And I learned my lesson on telling the wife. They never get mad at the husband, always at the mistress. And that's wrong. It's the husband with the vow.

Which brings me to my most recent offer from Carl Sagan. Now this time I'm single. I think he likes that scenario better, and it has been four years since my last physical relationship, so lets just say, I was ready for some action. And out of the darkness of the internet he comes. Oh I know what you are saying...Right there is where you should have stopped. The internet, you deserved to get hurt if you believed anyone coming from there, right? Well, I'm right there with you, always have been. And it still surprises me that I let him get so close to me at all with that being the medium. But what the hell, it is a new universe, right? And we must move with the changes, or get left behind.

This young man, in fact this time I was giving the opportunity to cheat with a man who is engaged, and not a player at all. Just the opposite. This man has the morals of a man who would never cheat on his finance, but guess what? He did, and so did I. But this one is different. This one it took me months of thinking about it before we were able to not only arrange a meeting but find ourselves caught up in our web of emotion and undeniable attraction. Our connection is so intense that even now I can feel him thinking about me. And not to sound crazy, but I think he can feel me too. I know I'll never see him again and I know that we love each other, probably on the level of the very first challenge that Carl gave me to fuck up my life. And i should have chosen the surprising young man that came out of no where. This time, I'd like to choose him. But this time Carl is not giving me the choice to make. This time he wants me to walk in the shoes of the young man I should have chosen but pushed away. The young man that chased me for two years trying to convince me not to marry hubby number 3. I knew he was heartbroken, I knew he'd forget me, and I really didn't give his feelings the weight I should have. Now this current young man is doing the same thing to me. He's going to do the 'honorable' thing and make it work with his finance, which means giving me up. Everywhere. Obviously we can never see each other again in person, neither of us, at this point in time, can trust that. I believe we never can, the sex was way too powerful to deny that our connection is on every level. So we can't even be close on the internet anymore, because that's where we started all of this fantasy. And it's too hard for him.

This part makes me laugh, bitterly. It's too hard for him. wow, and it's a cake walk for me?

I know what you're thinking. It's too hard for me too, but see I'm the one willing now, to do anything to be with him. Be any of the thousands of women I am, to keep whatever I can of the connection. And he doesn't want me enough to change his world. So I have to live with not only the regret of knowing him, but of the regret of not having who I love. Yes, I know, I said it, the L word. But it's true. If my feelings for him weren't true, I'd be over it now, or more never would have happened. Not with this one. And not with me, with the exception of the one that happened when I was wracked with grief, I have never had an affair where my whole heart was not in it to win it. I'm just not built for one night stands, or I would not have a four year gap in a physical relationship, now would I?

I'm dealing with loss and regret again, and I swore to myself, I would NEVER feel this way again. And here I am. In love again with someone unattainable. I wish just once, a man would find me interesting, attractive and that made my heart skip a beat that wasn't married, or engaged, or otherwise entangled. I want my first opportunity back. I want a time machine back to then, so I can erase all the mistakes after. I was hoping this experience might get my Karma back in place. Having to feel what he felt, but I don't know if I can do this for two years, like he did. But if this is what it takes, to make my Karma repaired. I'll pay the price.

And as my friends, you wonder why I don't get out more, like the old days. Why I don't try to meet someone. Why I'm so tired of letting in men that find they, in this order:
1. think I'm hot and funny and smart.
2. really like me and want to spend more time with me. and in some cases are relentless in their pursuit.
3. fuck me/or passionately make love to me.
4. leave me. either because they never really wanted anything more than the fuck, or because I'm so strong I can handle the heartbreak, or they are too afraid to be happy, or they just don't love me as much as I want to believe they do.

So, Carl, what's next? Got anything else you want to throw at me? Because you know what? Bring it on! I ain't scared! And I'm not surprised by anything anymore.

And I'm ready for the test.
I know what to do now.

Shhh....listen.....can you smell that?

That's the sound of my heart all duct taped and patched with old yellowed cellophane tape, and some twine and chewing gum. It's cracking again. I think I have some super glue here, somewhere, in my pocket. That should do it.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

What Do You Do When You Fall In Love?

What do you do when you fall in love? Seems like a simple question, right? You meet someone, they make your heart skip a beat, and you like it. And you hate it, at the same time. Because when love finds you, it's never when you desperately NEED it to find you. It's always when you've given up and stopped looking. Or when it's terribly inconvenient and complicated. I'm not big on complication. I'd rather be in denial.
"Oh look!~There's a nice plot of undeveloped land, right on the banks of the river denial. I can stay here and build a nice little cottage and just dream my life away with him." or....


or what? leave? Can't do that. Tried that. Made me a wreck. Twice.
So that's out.

So what do you do when you fall in love with someone that you know you circumstances will never allow you to be with? You know what's worse? When it's mutual. Then it not only sucks, but it's tragic.

That's what happened to me. I was hanging out, minding my own business, and believing I was happy and content; When all of a sudden, out of the darkness, he came. Like a shaft of light into my dim world. Proving to me that I didn't know what happy was! Or that I hadn't been truly happy in so long, that I'd forgotten this feeling. I didn't expect him. I didn't expect that this person would end up being so important in my life. And now that's he's here I can't let him go.

So, I'll put the question out there to all of you. What do you do when you fall in love?

Sunday, April 4, 2010

This Feeling Right Here

This feeling right here.....this one....the one that makes it so difficult to stop crying, and focus. The one that I'm hiding. The one that I've put on the back burner to simmer. I tried to throw it out, but I can't waste it. It's too good a connection to waste, but the more I hide the emotion, the more I try to pretend that it's just not there, the more I feel the real connection fading. I'm fading from his life, and he is allowing it. I don't believe that he misses me or loves me anymore.

I put my feelings away as a survival technique, not because I wanted to, or want to now. But to be his friend, I have to.

This feeling right here.....this one....this is why I don't let anyone in. This is why I stopped trying.

I'm so sick of trying when I can't keep anyone I love. Why let anyone in?

Saturday, April 3, 2010

And So It Begins

Being bored with my life has put me on the path of trying to entertain myself....This can be a challenge. And while I'm usually pretty good at enjoying my own company, I find of late a feeling that I just want more.

I spent most of my life surrounded by too much love, and consequently wasting it. Squandering the gifts that were given to me, the paths that I might have walked. As I look to what i have now, which is a great abundance of friends and family. You couldn't ask for more loyal ones. I find myself without that special someone...alone, at a time of my life where I want to be with someone more than any other.

And yet even with the recent offers that, honestly have been very flattering, and one in particular, was so tempting I think I may have temporarily lost my mind. Instead of getting back out there and trying to find that special person, I find myself just wanting to hide. Perhaps it's because I feel I've already found him, that I'm not looking. It's a puzzle.

I know it's a mistake, but do you think that it's possible to convince yourself that you feel a certain way? Even if it's not real? To completely hide an emotion, because it's either too painful to feel, or it's a complete waste of time?