Sunday, July 18, 2010

Here I Go Again, Recreating The Past

Last night the sound of the thunder effected my dreams. Every time it woke me up, my dreams would change from Instant Message screens to him reaching out to me. The dream was so choppy and urgent, and filled with the longing that I feel in my waking hours.

Here I sit, eyes still red-rimmed from crying most the night, drinking coffee and wondering how I'm going to face my life without him in it. How will I get through not being able to share my days and nights with him. The hours we spent together sharing everything. . . the innocent and not so innocent times we remembered our 4 days together, and made up new encounters, hoped for the future, and wished we could be together again. Writers are so creative when it comes to fantasy.

Last night the sound of my tears effected my communication. I pushed him away, like I had two other great loves in my past. I pushed so hard this time, he said he was happy with his life, as happy as he can be, and I pushed. And my heart snapped. His happiness being more important to me than my own. His future with her being more important to him than us.

Here I sit, on the verge of tears and numb for everything around me. And my thoughts are with him, wanting more than anything else to take it all back, and hold him and kiss him forever. . . but his hugs and kisses belong to someone else. He'll be married less than a month, and so I brought our over 6 month affair to an end.

For those of you that believe that an internet affair is not as serious as a real one, nor as damaging, I'm here to argue the point. The four days we had in person together confirmed everything before, and cemented everything after.

I hope I haven't destroyed us completely. I hope he does keep in touch as he said he would. I hope if he's ever single he'll call me. But for now, I must let him go, and it feels like I've cut off a piece of myself. I understand what it feels like now when Stevie sang, "Something in my heart died last night, one more chip off an already broken heart.....Blame it on my Wild Heart."

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