Sunday, May 30, 2010

Memorial Day and New Beginnings

My thoughts are unusually scattered today. And I know it's because I really need to shut myself away and write. But I can't seem to calm my mind from running off in all directions.

Enjoying my three day weekend, brings my mind to why I have it. And I think not only about my own family and friends that have or are serving in the military, but all of the brave men and women who daily do a job I know I could NEVER do. So I choose today to take a moment to say "thank you" to them all, for standing on that wall, or walking that walk, or being that first line of defense that gives me the freedom that I come to take for granted. Its a job that no one likes to admit that we need doing, and few are cut out to do it.

The second thing on my mind is my on going soap opera of a life and hoping that I will not only find a job soon that I love and am qualified for, but also a romantic partner. You see I'm so tired of coming in second. With my interviews I'm either overqualified or after talking with me they think I'll be bored soon. Wow. Really? Well of course I'll be bored, aren't all the intelligent people doing your jobs bored? I guess it's a compliment, but they really should take into consideration that I know this when applying, but am willing to be bored to be employed. And in this market it's stupid to be too choosy. I know I'm management material, too bad there are no management jobs out there. I know I need to start over in a company that is willing to let me.....wish I could find it.

As for my very uneventful love life....well recently uneventful....lets try to put this into the best possible perspective. Something my dad said on the phone to me yesterday. "The greatest love of my life was your mother, and while I haven't been able to replace that, I'm still looking."

So while the greatest love of my life was decades ago, and one I should have married but didn't. And for about 10 years I stopped looking, recently I've put myself back out there only to be burned again. Makes me wonder if we don't just fall in love with the same people over and over, until we break the pattern. . . I think this last time I started to break the pattern in many ways, but then again, in some ways not so much. He was/is emotionally unavailable. This seems to be a pattern since my third husband....and I KNOW I don't want to go there again.

But I also know my dad is right. 47 is not old. And out there is a man that will love me and want me so much that he can't live without me. And when I find him, I'll not let him go this time. And even though it sucked to be rejected, I'm glad for the experience, the championship sex, and the knowledge that I CAN HAVE A LIFE again. And I am. I choose life. I choose risk. I choose love.

Nothing in life is worth having that doesn't include a bit of risk...

1 comment:

  1. True THAT, love the last line.
    It took me 10 years of trying to finally break my pattern and I have really hit paydirt. I too am looking for a job that I will love and can grow in....fucking economy. Again, proud of you for putting yourself out there. I wish you'd come down here...but the economy isn't any better. Perhaps just look online at jobs in Chicago or the twin cities?