Sunday, May 23, 2010

The Male Perspective

I've had an unusual week for me. Where most of my down time is spent in front of my computer writing, or listening to music while I try to write, or chatting with friends while I try to write, or letting facebook games eat my soul while, you guessed it, trying to write. I spent much less of that down time doing that and interacting with real live people.

What a concept. And not just my usual gang of girls, but people I don't get to see very often. Men. WOW...What a concept. And it was unusual that so many of my guy friends were in attendance this week.

It all started with fencing last Sunday, where I got to further bond with one of my oldest friends who had been like a little brother to me. Lets call this group the "Old School group". The more time I spend with him the more I realize I miss our humorous outlook on life and our competitive spirit. Also one of my ex's was present, and I'm always amazed when I run into him how little has really changed between us. He falls into the category of 'too bad we wanted different things in life'. I feel very good about rekindling friendly relationships with both of them. Was nice day, little flirty, mostly fun, and I learned a lot. Sounds like one of usual nights with the girls.....hum maybe some of my guy friends can be as good as my girl friends, and I can feel free to be myself with them and not feel like they only want one thing from me. Good for them!

And while they don't know everything about my situation, they have accepted me back with, so far, no questions asked, and an almost unconditional love. I call this the Patient Polite Perspective---they will wait to hear, and give opinions if asked, and if not politely ignore it. While not the best for getting over it quickly is definitely the place to be if you do not want to think about it, or talk about it anymore.

Then Tuesday night, I'm offered my first appearance with what I like to call "The Boys of Summer" (and yes, you can make a musical reference here.although I'm not talking about baseball, and neither was Don Henley, really....) Its usually lap tops and movies, and a lot of innuendo. Now they have one ring leader, whom has been a friend of mine, consistently, since about 1994. And he and his group of friends boost my ego in the way the first group mentioned choose not to. This group the flirting is hardly innocent, but it sure is fun! And since I'm mostly just eye candy with a brain, I'm really in control of how far it goes, and I'm a good girl at heart, so its a nice ego boost. Plus gives me the benefit of a lot of nice guys in my corner. If say, I ever need anyone beat up. Or when something breaks that I'm just too girly to fix...these are my go-to-guys, and the testosterone level is almost so high, i get turned on just by breathing the air! LOL I guess it's true what they say about every girl needing at least one guy like this.

And while their opinion is mostly, "Screw him he's an idiot if he'd choose her over you." their real agenda is more, "embrace your inner slut" so while the advice is skewed to their eye candy, it's still to my benefit of being empowered, and moving on, and remembering to have some fun. I like to call this the No Regrets Perspective.

Then Friday night rolls around and I've been looking forward to this all week, as my son and his best girl are coming into town. So I post on facebook all the details as I know it, expecting not only his "old school" friends, but hey, maybe even some of my own....things are going well in that department, and they haven't had the opportunity to hang out with him downtown, drinking, in a long, long time. And the added benefit of my daughter being able to join us now made it a real family affair. Sadly none of my "Old School", friends showed, but some of his did. And as much as I loved seeing the great healing going on between his best girl and one of her oldest best girlfriends, who is like a daughter to me, I had to marvel at all the healing that was going on for me, with these great young guys that are friends of my son. Young guys are my bane.

The first surprise of the night was running into one of The Boys of Summer, not the ring leader, and kind of a shock for us both to see us with our peeps. I got a great first hug, followed by some hardly innocent checks, and invited him to add his collection of friends to mine, which sadly didn't happen. But when they finished with their darts, he came over to completely ruin the concentration of my pool game, to give me another very lingering hug. . .gotta love those boys of summer. And was a nice way for me to start my evening on a high note.

The next one that surprised me with his opinions and honest emotion (wait a minute here.....are we talking about a straight guy? YES! YES we are!), has always referred to me as Jill Mom. But I know he really earned it that night. Listening to him discuss his recent heartbreak and how his friends while supportive were/are having a hard time still listening, reminded me of some of my own girlfriends attitudes about me discussing my continuing disappointment in my best fantasy and his life decision to not have it all, and stick to his commitment. And add to this guy a GREAT sense of timing and humor.....When I would ask to be distracted because my fantasy would SLAM into my a Sledgehammer (musical reference again!) ....he would 'shake it like a Polaroid picture'(and again! geez). When he spoke of her and his great disappointment and how he felt he had been involved for five years and was still amazed that he hardly knew her?? well that sure felt familiar too. We connected on a level of understanding that while healing our hearts are held together by will alone. And on a side note the math is half my age plus seven....lets don't traumatize the son! LOL So this example is a man that is man enough to not only be in touch with his feminine side and be able to talk openly about his life and feelings, but is still man enough to think his buddy's 'mom's got it going on'. (lots of musical references this week....maybe i need a sound track)
I'll call this the Been There Done That Perspective.

The next surprise was another long term friend of my sons' and I'd like to think of my own, although we really have spent very little time together that didn't include trying to yell at each other at Daze. He also was in a recent 'bad romance'. (there I go again). And we got to touch on the last ones in his life. How one was two years of his life he'll never get back...(sadly i agree) and the other, a complete disappointment in honer and the breaking of vows....(and again i am reminded of my own mistakes and my heart goes out to him) BUT---he's happy now. Happier than I've ever seen him and I LOVE his new girl. She is confident, sexy, smart, witty, and honest. WOW...could be my daughter, and totally wants me to meet her dad. How sweet is that? I have to add, that seeing them in the first blush of new love I was reminded of my fantasy guy that I feel ripped away from, and imagined him with his love looking this happy. I have to imagine it because I never saw it when I was with them. But I must as an intellectual assume it is there....right? Well maybe it isn't maybe they aren't as happy as this wonderful couple. And as happy as I am for him and his new girl, it only made me miss my fantasy more. I checked my cell for the 10th time wondering why I had no text from him...missing me, or hoping I was having fun. My crazy girl brain threatened to ruin my night. The son's friends wouldn't allow that. Really nice men and women. And proof that a man can respect and love you with no alternative motive than to just see you smile. Good for you. Can it be that I'm starting to believe again in men? This is the Learn By Example Perspective.

The last one that made an appearance that I would like to talk about is a friend of both my son and mine, but not a close friend although it's odd because we are close to alot of the same people. His perspective on my recent nocturnal activities with my fantasy guy are NOT as lax in moral judgment as most of the above mentioned men. Who i believe either don't share his opinion (The Boys of Summer) or not sure how to express it (The Son's Gang). Both these groups love me and want my happiness, but few (other than my daughter, but we're talking male perspective today) are willing to tell it like it is and actually express disappointment in MY behavior. My willingness to go after this guy even though he is taken, greatly disappointed him and I believe he is still scratching his head in wonderment at how I could actually do it. Having been that woman, and been cheated on, repeatedly by husbands or boyfriends, how could I do that to her? Good question and the only answer I can give is -- the heart wants what the heart wants.

I know it sounds lame, and not as important as a commitment, but ask yourself the commitment real anymore when it can be broken by an affair? Neither of us think so, and while he does not like my actions, he also does not like his. Takes two to tango. I promised him I would do better, and I meant it. I hate disappointing my friends, almost more than myself. There is something very wrong with that last sentence, hopefully when I'm truly healed I'll know what that is. And believe it. But for now, I stand on my defense. I believe we are suppose to be together, and I have a hard time letting go of this powerful a connection in love. To hit on all cylinders like this is rare. So I will hide what I feel and I will move on and hope that I meet someone soon who makes this love seem like a high school crush, instead of the soul mate connection I believe it to be.

I use to not believe in Soul Mates. I use to think there were many people for each of us, and perhaps there are. But now, after meeting him, I think maybe I just had not met my soul mate yet, and could never possibly understand exactly what that means. And why when I would argue this point with some couples they would just hold on to each other a bit more tightly and smile at me like the Mona Lisa(wow OLD song reference)......What did they know I didn't?

Obviously this last perspective generated the most to think about, and cemented this as my blog post. I like to call this perspective the You Know Better Perspective.

Oh and honorable mention goes to the two men who wanted their cards read at last nights bonfire. Thank you for allowing me to share with you a tidbit of my experience as it related to both of your readings. My fellow Wand for letting me hit you with similar 'my own worst enemy' intellect. And Orange Shirt Guy for hitting me with a knowing smile of understanding in what life has chosen to deal us.

Turn The Page.....(I had to get RUSH one in)

1 comment:

  1. I too have found a man who wants nothing more than to be my friend...and it is AWESOME!
    I wish I was closer, I want to share these nigts with you, though I am glad to see/hear bout you having a good time! I miss you!!!