If You Aren't In Over Your Head, How Do You Know How Tall You Are?

I stumbled across this quote and it felt like the right jumping off point for this weeks blog.

What a week.  Not a very good one for me.  In my business it was less than stellar results.  Had over my goal of appointments each day, and did at least 10 cold calls each day on top of that, and only sold one policy.  Wow....at that rate I won't be able to pay for my gas to get to my appointments.  So I tried, and tried on Saturday morning, my appointments stood me up, or said no, and none of the businesses I approached wanted to talk to me, so by noon I was giving up.  I was in over my head, and instead of pulling up my boot straps and trying harder, I quit.  I let the negative feelings of the week get to me, and I decided I needed a break.  So I took half of Saturday and today off, to find something positive in my life and find a way to detach my emotions from my work.  I spoke to many friends on the matter, and got some great advise and encouragement. Advice as follows:
"This is why a lot of women don't do this, they take the rejection too personally.  Thought if I made you mad you would prove me wrong.  You need to not base your happiness on your rate of sales."
"I couldn't do it, couldn't wait for the income to start, but maybe you can..."
"I think if you don't do this it's because you don't want to, not because you can't.  I believe you can."
"I think you should keep trying, you have invested so much time and effort into this."
"I think you should do it until you can't afford to not do it anymore...in four months you should start to see some good money."

So I'm going to do just that.  Keep trying for all the above reasons. Most of this advice was given in different stages of drunkenness during the kick off Saturday of Oktoberfest here in Wisconsin.  HAPPY OKTOBERFEST.  

Which brings me to the other part of my life that makes me feel like such a failure.  Apparently when I'm in love and can't have the person I want, and the only way I can communicate with said person is on line, I get clingy!  Huh....who would have thought that?  I'm not when I'm in a relationship....in fact I hardly say I miss you or I love you when I have the guy right beside me to SHOW him what I feel.  Amazing how the internet can bring you so much closer to the one you love and yet it feel so far away that you wax romantic much more than your normal self.  Of course this accusation was given to me when I was drunk texting him, but that apparently didn't matter, until minutes later when he realized that he was overreacting and apparently it doesn't count that I'm clingy when drunk.  lol. This could have been a huge fight, but it was not. He could just tell me what he is feeling right away instead of make me fish for it, but this is why women get crazy girl brain.  Men  act stupid.  Why do they do that?  Why do they have to be so strong and tough all the time?  He changed his mind during said text and again this morning.  He must really want me to understand that he's sorry for the clingy remark.  And really, I agree with him, so no damage was done.  It was a funny fight.  That's another interesting thing about this one.  Our disagreements, aren't really fights, more like discussions, or debates that we end up smiling over because they are silly, or agreeing on.  We tend to blame ourselves first for any misunderstanding first...even when our feelings are hurt or we are worried or scared.  Interesting.  Perhaps this is what being well suited by temperament and personality is all about....
I'm staying tuned on this one.  I find him fascinating.

But both situations hit me when I read that quote..."If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?"  I feel in over my head with him and with my job.  This is both not good (fear of failure and change might destroy me, if I let it) and good, (the challenge will force me to rise to it).  So I can either knuckle under and admit that I'm not tall enough to be with him, (NEVER) or that I can't do the job (the only thing stopping me is me).  I'm more committed to him than the job and that's a mistake.  I need to be more committed to myself than anyone else.  So the new leaf for this week is the following:  Commit to the job I have agreed to do.  Get it out of my head that I'm selling anything, I'm helping people, and if they don't want my help now, they will later...probably when it's too late."  and  "Leave him alone.  Quit telling him what he already knows, and live my life.  If he joins me in it, good for him, if he doesn't it's his loss....and stop missing him.  Just be the woman he loves, and his love will come to me."

Hey, I hope all of you out there with crazy girl brain and stupid boy brain were paying attention to that last part.....because it's almost profound.  Just be who you are, and live your life, and see what life brings to you when you have faith in yourself and love yourself first.  Stop whining and wallowing, takes too much time and sets yourself up for failure.  And when he tells you his misses you and loves you, fucking believe it!  and believe that it lasts for more than a few days, months or years....or minutes in my case..lol.  After all, if your feelings lasted why can't you believe his did.  It actually feels better when he says it first anyway....doesn't it?  So try to remember that as well.  And don't be so quick to say 'I love you' or 'I miss you', just have some patience, and breathe, and wait.  Maybe what you are looking for will happen all by itself, without any pushing  toward or worse, pulling away.

I need more coffee....chin up.