Sunday, September 18, 2011

deja vu's last night, and not even a full moon...

Last night I had a series of deja vu....I take my deja vu's very seriously, because they usually are dead on in the feelings department, and I usually ignore them, even knowing that.  It's another of my fatal flaws.  So if any of you feel the same way about your deja vu's I'm going to share parts of mine.  Not many details, just the feelings.

The first one was while I was on line chatting, I abruptly left three of my guy friends as I ran out to door.  My tentative plans being reborn in a sudden window of opportunity, and me canceling those other two plans I was working on....This girl is not without opportunity. I was pleasantly surprised as I had assumed a rescheduling was in the works.  This first deja vu was strong and negative in a sense of pending a sense of don't go....and gave me reservations, but I kept on course and arrived.

The second one I was sitting on a desk, my feet on a chair, looking out a window and I knew what would happen next, and not in the way you can write, in your head of a possible outcome....I'd seen it, like out of body seen it...and it happened.  This one had left me with a feeling of finality, of endings beyond control...but I kept going.

The third is too personal to tell you about, and but the deja vu felt comfortable, on track, somehow, which was confusing in the middle of the other negative ones.  The fourth involved rain, and was the strongest feeling  of them all.  It felt liberating and rewarding, and almost elated, and the one I'm going to talk about.

I walked out onto the porch and the night sky was heavy with anticipated rain, as I stepped away from the door, I could hear it suddenly releasing the drops to the ground, and I cautiously stepped into the gentle curtain of it.  A huge smile crashes suddenly across my face.  I lean my head back to feel the welcome rain run in rivulets down my neck.  My thoughts running over and over the evenings events and racing toward an impossible future.  The saunter in my step because of the joy we share in a world of disappointment and drudgery.  My heart is full of love.  For the first time in over a decade.  And I don't care if it is returned.  I don't care if it ever grows in his heart.  I only care that it grew in MINE.  That my heart is once more free of the chains I bound it with.  That my heart is feeling again, and not afraid to feel.  The happiness we bring to each other cannot be wrong, and is not wrong.  This life is all about love, and being happy, and being true friends to help each other when we are lost and drowning.

As I entered my car, my radio, which I had left on the classic rock station, was playing's was late (or early depending on your point of view) radio is possessed and talks to me in music all the time.  I suggest you find the following songs and play them on Youtube as you read....good early morning songs.  The first song I heard I came in on in the second verse...and I smiled at the movie reference as well....Was Al Green- Lets Stay Together.   Interesting choice, radio.  The next song was Orleans-You're Still The One. that was just strange....and I, of course was still smiling and bopping to the radio.  And last song that I actually stayed in the car, in the garage, to hear in it's entirety was James Taylor-Fire and Rain.....and that one felt like I should pay attention to on a more realistic vein.  As if the other two were just leading up to the real wisdom of Mr. Taylor.

My  life will and has given me very many interesting stories to write about, and while I'm living them I don't pay as much attention as I should, I miss things, and end up hurt and never wanting to try again.  But at least I'm trying.  I'm living life again, and I'm trying.  So what if what I want I will never have.  So what if what I think I need is withheld again from me.  It doesn't matter.  In the end all that matters is what is in my heart and my attitude about that.  In the end all that matters is I'm full of love and hope instead of hate and bitterness.
(Al Green)
(James Taylor)

Enjoy the love that Fate places in front of you.  It is a gift.  Take it.  For your life will be fulfilled with it and empty if you walk away from it.  And besides we all know what a bitch Fate can be when you return her presents.

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