Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Block - Learned behavior vs Feelings

So as most of you know, since The Ides of March, I've had a new and different point of view where my crush, and writing companion is involved.  And it's been both better and worse.  I hadn't realized just how much he had been a part of my life until he was gone.  I've been able to get so much more done, being with friends, enjoying my favorite pastimes of reading and watching movies, and I actually CLEANED ALL THE THINGS yesterday, and the house looks and smells wonderful.  And my job has improved 100% I'm making all my goals every week now (3rd week in a row, and if I made it last week it will be 4 and I'll be on my way to a bonus)  I feel so accomplished in every facet of my life, except two.

The first is no surprise. . . relationships.  In fact before my last crush I was completely happy to be single and had learned to live alone and love it.  That is the problem. . . I LEARNED it.  Didn't realize I wasn't FEELING it until he came along and opened up that dusty chest of feelings I had locked away.  It's a good thing that it's open, it's just unfortunate that Cupid didn't strike us both at the same time.  Next time I'm hoping Cupid's aim is more accurate.

The second is quite unexpected and one I am sure I can control, which is also a good thing, but I'm at a loss as to HOW.  I'm blocked.  I haven't written a word on my novel (and sadly the first draft was so close to completion) since our last blow up and my new LEARNED behavior.  I know, I know, it's not good because I'm not FEELING it, but with time I hope to.  I hadn't realized how much I looked forward to our writing together, and his not so patient waiting for my next chapter, until it was gone.  He was such a good audience to write to.  And he still says he wants to read it and hopes I can finish it, but I'm holding back now, not him.  He is being honest with me, he's trying to remain my friend, trying against impossible odds, and my ever changing moods where he is concerned must be a constant confusion to him. But I keep telling myself I was a successful writer with actual finished stories before we met, and began our friendship/partnership/whatever that was on top there. . . , and I will be again.  But how?

I've toyed with the idea of locking myself away today since I have a Sunday with nothing planned to distract me, . . .and laundry beckons, but that is a normal part of Sunday writing for me. . . one errand is poking it's ugly head up at me, but really how long will that take, not long. . . so I still should be able to quietly sit down with my open documents and maybe even a glass of wine and reread where I was last month and continue.  I've even toyed with the idea of going back and doing my second draft before the first is finished.....NOT recommended, by any successful writer, but alas, I'm desperate.  I've even toyed with the idea of trying to write with him today as he offered an invitation to do so, as he feels 'ready' to try that again.  I know he's been more successful at trying to write since our blow up but not enough to submit any work for editing, so he may be just as blocked and not telling me, who knows anymore.  I'm convinced that what he tells me and what he feels are two very different things, and I'm not so sure any of them are good for me.  I've convinced myself that he never cared, and I know that is wrong but it keeps the fires of hate and anger burning just enough to keep me away from him, which is what I think I need.  What I've LEARNED I need.  Not what I FEEL I need.  What I FEEL I need he can't and won't give me, and rightly so if his words are to be believed because he doesn't love me anymore.  (and maybe never did.  and he certainly knows he never will)  You really can't fight that kind of self assuredness.  And I won't try.  I myself have made choices in the past based on those exact feelings.  And while they felt like the best choices and the obvious ones that would make me happy, I was more wrong than I knew then.  I'm not saying he is wrong, only that I was, and my experience is screaming for justice.  (this is how Doug must have felt banging he head against my wall for two years. .  . I guess this is my Karma, as NOW I know just how frustrating it is to be in love with someone who has suddenly decided to not feel anything for you anymore.  Doug tried for two years after I married. . . I felt sorry for him.  I refuse to be pitied by my crush.)

He says he doesn't read my blog anymore, he's tired of coming off as a petulant child or bastard, and I can't blame him, but if he feels that way, then he wasn't really reading it anyway.  He missed all the love and desire and longing, and the ways I always made myself out to be as much to blame for our current state of affairs.  I guess the real problem is I miss him the way we were when we were happiest, and I can't get back to that point.  I'd like to build from where we are, but again I don't know how.  I guess it will have to be with LEARNED feelings until they become my real FEELINGS.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I've tried blocking him and making myself invisible, only to undo it before he even knows I've done it.  I wish it didn't feel so wrong to leave him, but a part of my soul just won't let me.  I'm not sure how I feel about that either.  No matter what I'm determined to at least open my documents today and stare at the pages, and hope one of my characters is so anxious to tell me what happens next that I can't stop writing until it's time to sleep.  It's happened before, several times, it could again. . .

Wish me luck.  

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