Sunday, June 19, 2011

Fate Has Bad Timing

"Fate controls who walks into your life.  You decide who you let walk out, who you let stay and who you refuse to let go."

Have you ever wondered why?  Why Fate chose to have THAT person walk into your life?  Maybe even screamed aloud in frustration to the roof, "WHY NOW?"
Have you ever wondered why?  When you think you finally have it all worked out, that is when someone walks into your life that spins your whole world out of control, and makes you rethink EVERYTHING you thought was truth, or even everyone that you thought made you happy?
Have you ever wondered why? That person that Fate wove into your life thread, was suddenly woven out or cut off?

I've read all the sappy poems about how some people are suppose to be in your life for a season.....I hate those poems.  That doesn't give me comfort at all.  It just makes me more bitter.  What if I want that person for a lifetime, not a season?  What if I'm sure that connections like that don't just fall out of the sky into my lap everyday?  What if I'm sure that this is some tragic mistake, some awful waking nightmare, and no matter how hard I try I can't wake up?  How do you get over someone you can't stop thinking about?  He's like a program running constantly in the background of my mind,(he said that about me once) and when it's quite like now, he is in the foreground.  How could I have been so wrong about his feelings, when for a lifetime, my impressions and intuitions have been dead on in the area of feelings and emotions?

I'll tell you how.  Fate has bad timing, and a is a cold heartless bitch with her sense of humor.  This is not funny, and this is not teaching me anything.  What was it I promised myself last year?  Oh yes, when being with him was more painful than being without him, I'd stop.   I wonder if stopping will make me happier in time?  I wonder if I'll miss him more and more each day like every other time I've tried to leave him, or if this time he will just fade away like so many others that hardly ever cross my mind.  I can't believe that I, the woman that always was so strong and committed, the one that always saw what she wanted and went for it, and got it, is giving up.  Is walking away.  Is admitting defeat by a man that is so afraid of experiencing his feelings, he vows to never be that dependent on another human again.  I really hate the woman that broke his heart, she broke him, and he doesn't even see it.  He thinks he's strong now, and in reality the only thing he learned, is how not to feel.  My proof of this is that he told me last year that I awoke feelings in him he thought were dead.  Remember readers he was engaged at the time.  Proves that true stubbornness trumps true desire every time.  And releasing yourself to true love and emotions knowing you might get hurt is real strength.  And I have that in spades.

As the 'Finance To The Daughter I Never Had' said to me last year, "Its a good thing that your heart is broken and you can really feel all of this, it means you can still feel."  Thank you, you were right.  Is leaving him the secret to getting back to myself?  I think it might be, but I'm so afraid to do it.  Afraid for my heart, mind and my novel.  This one and future ones.  We really are such a good team when writing.  I think that once I finish this novel I'm on, this character study of these two lovers, will make a wonderfully frustrating book.  I just can't write it until I know the end.  And I won't know the end until I'm strong enough to make an ending happen, one way or the other.

(DISCLAIMER:  I wrote all of that on Tuesday, and for five days I have not tried to contact him.  He has e-mailed me his newest chapter and yesterday caught me on line to ask how I was.  And it has been easier and better not talking to him.  While talking to him yesterday did not make me sad, it also did not make me want him.  I was already heartbroken because my children decided to tell me that I have the exact same deficiencies that my last boss did.  So this means I'm a failure with all my personal relationships, professional and personal.  Where my self esteem was low before, now it's at rock bottom.  However talking to him yesterday did make me feel good, and in the exact way a friend should.  I did feel better with his honest opinion and his faith in me that I will sort it all out in time.  He also confirmed that he did want to be my friend and would give me the time I needed.  This felt like a relief rather than an additional heartbreak, for I do want him in my life, but not dishonestly.  Not with a hidden agenda or worse with a pathetic hope he will divorce his wife.   This is good progress, and I believe I am on the right track.  Limited communication might be okay if it's about out novels, and of course important news friend to friend.  But no more endless hours of just waiting for each other to have a minute to say something, no more every morning and every evening having to say hello and good night.  I'm not allowing him to do that anymore, nor am i allowing myself to be there.

The journey continues and I've got a rather sharp, rocky incline blocking my way, but I'm up to the task.  Wish me luck.

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