Sunday, July 3, 2011

Quotes, Quotes and more Quotes

"I let myself fall in love with you. . . And I let myself let you go. . . Those were two of the best decisions I ever made."

This was the first quote that jumped off the page at me while reading Post Secret this morning, and I thought to myself, whoever wrote that gets me.  I'm so very glad I met him and allowed myself to fall in love with him.  I know the experience nearly destroyed our friendship but I'm glad for having had the experience.  I was shown so much love, tenderness and true caring in such a few short days with him; that I believed without a doubt that he loved me and would be leaving her to be with me.  It was a life changing experience.  Well as it turned out it was only life changing for me.  But I believe I'm a better person today for having known that brief encounter.

And I let myself let you go. . . that part is true too.  Some of you know me very well, and distance means nothing to me.  I've been known to pick up and move on a dime to be with someone I adore, but with him, I just couldn't do it.  Something stopped me, I know you will assume it was his pending marriage,but by him having an affair with me while engaged, I already felt that relationship was over.  Even if he didn't.  No something in him stopped me, a dishonesty of emotion. . . something I couldn't trust and still can't.  Maybe it was just the fact that if he would cheat on the woman he claimed to love and then marry, he would certainly cheat on me.  And we all know I don't share well.  I'm surprised I allowed myself to fall in love with a taken man.  But perhaps I needed to walk a mile in those shoes.

"Everything is alright in the end.  If it's not alright, it's not the end."

I stumbled upon this quote earlier this week and it hit home with me too.  I've made the right decision, hell I make it all the time.  I don't always stand by it so my friends and family don't believe me, but this time I have.  Almost a month now, and I'm really trying hard to not speak to him, and get over it already.  It's hard but not as hard as I thought it would be.  Not as hard as last year.  I believe if he would have just left me alone last year I'd be over it now and we might be friends.  I'm trying to save our writing, and he waits a day or two, sometimes four and then tries to talk to me, and because I am nice and am trying to save something of us, I allow it.  And I think that by allowing it, he assumes everything is alright.  Its unfortunate that either he doesn't believe I loved him this much, or that his feelings are so shallow that four days seems long enough to forget someone.  Every time he tries to communicate with me as a friend it breaks my heart more.  And I'm so bitter now I hardly have any heart left.  This time last year we were still flirting so much I was sure he wouldn't go through with the marriage, but he did.  And even after for a while he was very attentive.  Who can do that?  Marry one woman and keep another?  It makes me sad to remember it all now, but I have to to remain angry and keep him away from me.  You see I want to be with him, and I love him.  So if I don't stay strong, I'll allow him almost anything from me, and call it 'friendship'.  This is not fair to me, or his wife.  And I honestly can't be the 'friend' he apparently needs.  Or, I can't be the friend he wants until I'm over him.  Which is probably more true, as he doesn't love me.  Nor will he ever want to be with me, even if she were out of the picture.  He use to say he would, but he doesn't anymore.  He's completely over me.  And while it tears me apart to realize he never felt what I felt, he claims what he felt was more than he had in years.....years.....
Its all very confusing to me.

So everything is not alright.  Means it's not the end.  I hope the end for us is me actually being able to move on and be his and her friend honestly.  Its my honest hope now.  I just need much more time than I think he is willing to admit to himself.  I wonder why he can't face that?  I wonder why he can't just leave me alone and let me go?  I know he misses me, and I know he must need to be in my life or he would stop.  Its flattering.  I'd be very flattered if it didn't hurt so much.

I'm off to spend the rest of the 4th holiday with my best friend and her wonderfully loyal husband and their fantastic children.  Camping was and has been fun.  The cook out and the miles of stars, warm my heart.  The children make me laugh and fill my heart with joy.  And seeing my best friend still blissfully happy with the man she loved and went after, reminds my heart that if it can happen for her, it can still happen for me.  Forget the times I've thrown true love away.  It can still happen for me.  I'm putting the bitter part of my heart and ego away, locking it up in a box, and trying to forget about him and it.  Every day without him is a success. . . every day without him is a success. . . every day without him is a. . .

1 comment:

  1. Jill,
    Wonderful quotes and insights. Have a great 4th.