Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Hardly Seems Worth the Effort

It's almost been a year now, since I started this blog, mostly for healing from an event last March that shook my world and my beliefs to their core.  I've been up and down (way down) since then and you've all been a part of the ride.  Was interesting, even fun sometimes, but mostly and adventure into my soul and mind and heart.  While at first it wasn't important that anyone read it but me, but as it grew in popularity I discovered that I was not only writing for myself, but for you.  Not in the hopes to necessarily teach you anything, you probably know more than I do, but in the hopes to open your eyes and hearts to something you may have missed along the way, or to a different way of looking at something.  Or even more importantly, to hold a mirror up to you, so you can see you are not alone.

I think I've accomplished that.  And I'm planning on more weekly blogs, but I'm giving you fair warning right now, they will probably not be about my broken heart or anymore wallowing. . . because that's been mended.  Yes-sir-re-bob!  And not by another man in my heart/mind, but by FINALLY really taking my own advice and knowing I deserve better than him.  I deserve to be treated better, and I am no one's mistress.  I'm number one, always!  I am the complete package and I shouldn't have to settle for waiting for a weak man who says he can't make a choice and then makes the wrong one, but instead of letting me go, as he would if he truly loved me, he keeps me around by dangling promises of a future that he knows will never happen.

Why?  Why would he do this?  (when asked i get i don't knows. . . and because i love you both. . . )  But the more important questions is Why would I allow myself to be treated like this.  Why do I believe I need to be tortured by this man, or to torture myself with his choice?  You see he has very little to do with this, I chose to stick around, and hope for him to wake up. . . for a year and four months. . . and remember kiddies he's only been married for seven of those. . . so you do the math. .  .He's a real committed man, eh?  Needless to say the longer this went on the more sorry I've begun to feel for his wife.  And the more I've come to be very disappointed in him.

 Now that I've fallen out of  love with him, I could be his friend, unfortunately he really doesn't want that.  (Be careful what you wish for, you might get it. . . . This is what he wanted.....too bad he didn't understand he could do no wrong because I was in love with him)  He's too fragile to handle the truth about why, and I've discovered he can't take any constructive criticism and has temper tantrums, citing that he's hyper-sensitive.  Well, one more fault i loved him in-spite of, but as 'just friends' i can't tolerate.   He's right in this, I do believe he should have just taken the criticism, as we all do, and moved on.  Either used it or not, but not gotten all bent out of shape over a suggestion.  But I know secretly he thinks he's smarter than I am, because he uses pompus words, and btw, that's the way he thinks. . . so it's not just for show. . . or to impress. . . which makes him.. . . hum. . . anyway, I digress.  He may be smarter than I am, but I'm wiser.  And I still believe he made the wrong choice, we would have challenged each other, and would have made each other better people because of it.  I could have given him strength, and he could have smoothed my rough edges.  But he's happier with a woman that will never challenge him and let him just be.  Not surprising, really.

While IF he's even reading my blog anymore, I'm sure he's fuming right now, and I'm also sure he thinks he knows exactly what is coming next, the big blame all on him. . . because you see his own guilt makes him go there ALL the time.  No matter what I say, and I don't blame him.  Never have.  I blame us both.  From the beginning up to now.

Will we be able to patch this up?  I don't think so.  Will we try?  I don't think so.  Will that be tragic?  Probably.  But we will never know the difference, so it won't matter.  I'm done pretending that it doesn't matter and my time will come.  If I ever see him again, it will be because he has grown and misses me.  I'm done chasing him.  And I honestly hope that his life is miserable without me in it, and that he does something to rectify that.  But trust me on this, my life will be fine without him.  Even if everything falls apart today, I still have my wonderful children, my friends.  All the rest is details.

I'm back.  And it feels really good.

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