Sunday, March 13, 2011

I'm Okay . . Are You?

This morning I feel unusual, strange, and unprepared.  But it's not in the normal negative vein that my self destructive and self fulfilling prophecies of doom usually take me.  I've come to realize throughout my life that when things are going well, I get uncomfortable.  I guess it's because for most of my life things have not gone well, and I've been forced to adapt.  To make things come out great.  And being in a constant state of fear and worry has always seemed to be a normal state.

So when things are really going well, I must sabotage them, so that I can panic, and fix them and be 'happy'.  this is a common fatal flaw with many people from broken homes, and single parents, and people that just have had difficult lives and had to adapt to survive. I have done it in both my personal love life and my professional life.

But this morning, as with yesterday, and even Friday most of the day after the 'bad news' hit me.  I am surprisingly okay.  And not in an "I'm okay, really I am. . . and then you never see me again, 'chick' okay."  but a true feeling of, everything will be okay.  And in my life that is never the case and will be a struggle both financially and emotionally if my worst fears come true.  And Friday. . . they started to. . . and while I would normally be a basket case, and down on myself, I'm surprisingly okay.

Now you know I'm not a religious person so this is not faith, but could this be confidence?  Am I okay because I know I can do what is necessary to make my dreams come true?  Is this the feeling I've preached about for so many years to others, believing it was out there for them, but never really having it for myself?  Is this what is feels like to believe in myself, and to stop accepting what I think I'm worth, and going for what I want?  What I know I deserve?  What I need?  Am I finally understanding that I can be happy, and it's okay?

1 comment:

  1. you know, you don't need religion to have faith. Don't be so scared of religion that you have to have a distain for any words you free associate with religion!