Sunday, April 18, 2010

Let The Healing Begin!

For those of you following this blog, I'm sure the title this week will make you smile. I've been trying, for the last 2 days to take my own advise from last weeks blog and try to enjoy my life while living it. To give myself a boost out of my rut, and live each day here at home as if I were on vacation. Or at least, as one of my friends would say, "Allow yourself to be AWESOME".

And I have to say it's working.

I'm trying my best to get over a recent obsession, and in our wisdom we have decided to not speak to each other for an undetermined amount of time. No phone calls, no facebook, no instant message chats for hours and hours. So like we use to say in the 80's, we're giving each other some space.

I'm immediately reminded of George Carlin and his stand up routine, where he says, "and if you're one of these people that needs a little space, go the f**k outside!"

I'm big on confrontation and settling emotions, not swallowing them. I know the result in denial. But I'm not the puddle of emotion that I thought I would be with no contact from him. In fact the last two days without hearing from him or seeing him pop up on my internet feeds, have been happier than the rest of the time I have spent without him, since I left his presence.

This was a great confusion to me, at first. At first I worried that I might be in denial, that it was too quick for me to be over the tears for the depth of emotion that I feel for him. But another friend reminded me that denial is a part of the healing process, but it's been given such a bad definition by the populace that we just don't talk about it as a part of the healing process. And I wonder at that. Is denial, the ignoring of facts, a way to heal? Is denial the next step after sadness and anger, a way to convince yourself that what you know is not true so you can move forward more quickly. Or is it a dangerous swallowing of emotion that will eventually rear it's ugly head?

I guess only time will tell.

I feel so much better not talking to him, pretending that he's truly gone from my life, on the outside. That I wonder if I should ever speak to him again, and that's when I hear the voice in my head start to keen softly in the background and I must ignore it or be swept up in the emotion.

On the inside, I think about him all the time, and I still take him with me where ever I go, the only difference now, is I can't share my life with him. I had such a great day yesterday, connecting with old friends I haven't spent time with in almost a decade, fencing and talking outside in the sun with the rest of the people on the planet who are living their lives in the moment.

I miss my friend. I miss the sharing of our lives, and knowing that that connection is still there, and not just a one sided feeling now. I miss that part more than anything else that happened after. I miss my friend more than my lover. (and those of you that know me REALLY WELL, can attest to the fact that that must be a lot of missing, because I'm a romantic lover at heart, a hopeless romantic.)

And I may have lost him forever.

That thought brings me close to tears, but only close. So the healing is beginning, and perhaps if I let it, it will continue even faster than I had hoped. I'm just glad I stopped crying, was really hurting my eyes, and my make-up was a mess.

I have a huge week ahead of me, starting a second new part time job on Monday, and going to the Twin Cities this weekend for my god son's baptism. (hope i don't burst into flames when I enter the church.....non believer and all, keep your fingers crossed that Carl Sagan doesn't send down another meteor)...I need to do some re-writes in my novel, and I'd like to spend some more time with the people in my life and coming back into my life right now. As RUSH says, in the song Time Stand Still, "I'm not looking back, but I want to look around me now."

Oh and speaking of RUSH, I just got tickets for Aug.27 concert, will be my 8th time of seeing them and I'm so pumped!!!! I know they will be glad to see me there too. LOL
After all, I need a Time Machine, and of course they know that, and named the tour for me, so I'd know they are keeping up with my life. I hope Ged pulls out the Ricky for this, I miss the Ricky.

*****************internet warning for the really dull and humorless************
(this is a private joke between me and my RUSH fans friends, you know who you are, it's not meant to be in any way a serious statement that I know RUSH or that they know me.....just seems like it when I listen to Neil's lyrics. RUSH is the soundtrack to my life. That is all. :)
********************end internet warning for the really dull and humorless***********

see you next weekend.

1 comment:

  1. Everything changes every moment. "I am" and "I feel" only last so long and then the moment passes and we are and we feel other than we were or did previously. Denial is a state of being as well as an emotional state. To be in denial is to be a visitor to that state of being. You don't have to stay forever, but its a nice place to go on vacation to let your mind and body rest and find the peace you need to heal.

    My mother says I told her this once, although I don't recall saying it: Never be sorry for what you know. Doubt and questioning are part of healthy growth, and part of denial. As long as you don't deny what you KNOW is true and real, you are not living in denial. No one should ever be sorry for growing.