Sunday, April 11, 2010

Karma Cameleon

On Post Secret this morning I read two posts that really stood out to me, I'd like to share one with you today, because it really captured my imagination and my feelings. It said,and I quote:

"My greatest desire is to love my life while I'm living it."

Wow. Wouldn't that be great? Recently I spent some time with an old friend, on vacation, and while on vacation, of course, I was in the moment, as we all are. And it really seemed like I was living in the present, enjoying my life, WHILE living it.

And then, of course, the vacation was done, and it was time to come home to the grind of the usual ruts we plow ourselves into, without trying, and sometimes without noticing. And the weeks have past now, and I'm back in my real life, and finding that I'm having difficulty enjoying my life while I'm living it. My past experiences seem so much more exciting, and fun filled than my present, rut filled days.

Why do we do this to ourselves? It's really just an attitude adjustment. Perhaps if we could think of our daily ruts as vacation time, especially on days off, instead of being bored and doing the same lame face book posts, or games, or worse, just wasting valuable time on line, hoping to connect with someone from the void, instead of living life, with real people, in real situations, that could turn into real feelings......

Ah, maybe that's the whole issue....real feelings. The past mistakes loom....
I'm reminded of one of my favorite quotes from the David Mamet movie State and Main, "The only second chance life gives us, is the chance to make the same mistake twice."

This mistake, or offer to make the same mistake, I should say, keeps coming up in my life. Now I've used this, lets call it an option, as a test subject in my life. Helps me try to sort out the cosmic sense of humor of whoever or whatever is in charge out there.
****disclaimer interruption******
And for any of my readers out there, just so you know, I don't really believe that anyone is in charge, but for the sake of argument for those of you that do....we'll say something might be there. I really don't have the patience to turn this into a religious discussion today, but I can be reached for intense religious debates at my face book page. see link at the top of this page.)
****end disclaimer interruption******

So back to my test option. I've used this option to test the outcome, and each time I've been offered the path, I've picked a different road. Seemed the thing to do.

The first time, I had the affair, I was married, and the person I cheated with became my third husband. That's right kiddo, number three at 23. Well the affair was at 23, didn't land the guy until 24. But while I thought I had made the right choice, sadly I had not. Leaving hubby number 2 was right, but there was another man involved, that surprised me, and I was so obsessed with my possible hubby number 3 I couldn't see the forest for the trees. And to make matters worse we were all good friends. Even though the connection with this younger man, was wonderful on every level, I pushed him away for fear of the future, change, and the possibility of real happiness. I didn't know that was why I was pushing him away then. I thought it was because the age difference was too great, and he was too young to be taken seriously.....what a tragic mistake. I believed he might leave me for a younger woman someday. But that's exactly what my 3rd hubby did. Self fulling prophesy. And the surprising younger man that I should have run away with, haunts me still. This was the test and here is where i failed.

Now to Karma and how funny Fate is.

So some years pass, and Fate or God or Carl Sagan, decided to put the possibility of having an affair in front of me again. This time with, you guessed it, another younger man. And this time, he was the one in an relationship and I was too, with one of his friends. Also about 12 years my junior. I think that I've been cursed with younger men, but that's another story. This man, although highly attractive to me was kept as a friend. And still is to this day. Don't get me wrong, the sexual attraction is still there, but we just don't act on it. We flirt and sometimes it gets pretty hot, but we don't touch. And by definition and admission he's a player, so I think my restraint, when it happens, should count for something, if only for the guilt I feel, that he doesn't. Still friends after 15 years.

Then some more years pass and I get another opportunity. This time with a married friend of mine and I'm single. He's been relentless in his pursuit of any sexual activity outside his marriage, and I'm not friends with his wife, at this point. For reasons I don't want to go into, I was hit with grief the size of a runaway locomotive and just as damaging. And he caught me in a moment of grief, and I succumbed, more willingly than I would like to admit, and it was pleasurable enough to come back again one more time, before we ended it. After two years of watching him repeat this performance with other young women, and by now I was friends with his wife. I told her. I couldn't let her think she was going insane or that she was unattractive. You see, her female instinct had kicked in, and she knew he was cheating, but couldn't prove it, and thought she way going crazy, and that she was completely undesirable, because his efforts were elsewhere. She was none of those things, and I had come to respect her and hate him a little. So I told her, thinking I was doing her a favor, in showing her that she deserved better. She was filled with rage, and left my home forever, and moved with him, to work on their marriage. I hope it is still together and happy, and I know I will regret this path forever. And I learned my lesson on telling the wife. They never get mad at the husband, always at the mistress. And that's wrong. It's the husband with the vow.

Which brings me to my most recent offer from Carl Sagan. Now this time I'm single. I think he likes that scenario better, and it has been four years since my last physical relationship, so lets just say, I was ready for some action. And out of the darkness of the internet he comes. Oh I know what you are saying...Right there is where you should have stopped. The internet, you deserved to get hurt if you believed anyone coming from there, right? Well, I'm right there with you, always have been. And it still surprises me that I let him get so close to me at all with that being the medium. But what the hell, it is a new universe, right? And we must move with the changes, or get left behind.

This young man, in fact this time I was giving the opportunity to cheat with a man who is engaged, and not a player at all. Just the opposite. This man has the morals of a man who would never cheat on his finance, but guess what? He did, and so did I. But this one is different. This one it took me months of thinking about it before we were able to not only arrange a meeting but find ourselves caught up in our web of emotion and undeniable attraction. Our connection is so intense that even now I can feel him thinking about me. And not to sound crazy, but I think he can feel me too. I know I'll never see him again and I know that we love each other, probably on the level of the very first challenge that Carl gave me to fuck up my life. And i should have chosen the surprising young man that came out of no where. This time, I'd like to choose him. But this time Carl is not giving me the choice to make. This time he wants me to walk in the shoes of the young man I should have chosen but pushed away. The young man that chased me for two years trying to convince me not to marry hubby number 3. I knew he was heartbroken, I knew he'd forget me, and I really didn't give his feelings the weight I should have. Now this current young man is doing the same thing to me. He's going to do the 'honorable' thing and make it work with his finance, which means giving me up. Everywhere. Obviously we can never see each other again in person, neither of us, at this point in time, can trust that. I believe we never can, the sex was way too powerful to deny that our connection is on every level. So we can't even be close on the internet anymore, because that's where we started all of this fantasy. And it's too hard for him.

This part makes me laugh, bitterly. It's too hard for him. wow, and it's a cake walk for me?

I know what you're thinking. It's too hard for me too, but see I'm the one willing now, to do anything to be with him. Be any of the thousands of women I am, to keep whatever I can of the connection. And he doesn't want me enough to change his world. So I have to live with not only the regret of knowing him, but of the regret of not having who I love. Yes, I know, I said it, the L word. But it's true. If my feelings for him weren't true, I'd be over it now, or more never would have happened. Not with this one. And not with me, with the exception of the one that happened when I was wracked with grief, I have never had an affair where my whole heart was not in it to win it. I'm just not built for one night stands, or I would not have a four year gap in a physical relationship, now would I?

I'm dealing with loss and regret again, and I swore to myself, I would NEVER feel this way again. And here I am. In love again with someone unattainable. I wish just once, a man would find me interesting, attractive and that made my heart skip a beat that wasn't married, or engaged, or otherwise entangled. I want my first opportunity back. I want a time machine back to then, so I can erase all the mistakes after. I was hoping this experience might get my Karma back in place. Having to feel what he felt, but I don't know if I can do this for two years, like he did. But if this is what it takes, to make my Karma repaired. I'll pay the price.

And as my friends, you wonder why I don't get out more, like the old days. Why I don't try to meet someone. Why I'm so tired of letting in men that find they, in this order:
1. think I'm hot and funny and smart.
2. really like me and want to spend more time with me. and in some cases are relentless in their pursuit.
3. fuck me/or passionately make love to me.
4. leave me. either because they never really wanted anything more than the fuck, or because I'm so strong I can handle the heartbreak, or they are too afraid to be happy, or they just don't love me as much as I want to believe they do.

So, Carl, what's next? Got anything else you want to throw at me? Because you know what? Bring it on! I ain't scared! And I'm not surprised by anything anymore.

And I'm ready for the test.
I know what to do now.

Shhh....listen.....can you smell that?

That's the sound of my heart all duct taped and patched with old yellowed cellophane tape, and some twine and chewing gum. It's cracking again. I think I have some super glue here, somewhere, in my pocket. That should do it.


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  2. Belated, I know; but all the better for it, I hope. Having read your subsequent posts I re-read this with the intention of reminding myself where you have come from on this particular journey. The obvious question is one regarding dreams and regret (which poses as wisdom for some): "What would you tell your previous self? What pearls of knowledge would you cast before this incarnation in hopes that you might learn the easy way that which you have worked so hard to gain?" Are you more wise now? Do you know how to give empathy to that inner, earlier you; the you who still harbors hope and romantic dreams, and is no less desirable for the hope thereof? Are you that wise that you can accept two, even three of your selves at once now; and find peace in the living of multiple lives all reconciled as one being who is perfect and real and inexplicable? Are you brave enough to start?

  3. Am I brave enough to start? Am I more wise now? I don't know. What would I tell myself? I'm not sure. Without him it changes daily. Some days its just wait, let time prove what it real. other days it's I wish I never met him. If I can't have him. . .