Sunday, April 10, 2011

Dear Saudade Its 12 days. . . but whos counting?

My mind jumps now
From topic to topic like some spastic addict looking for a score
My thoughts go to him
Is he happy? Does he miss me? Does he care at all?
I want to talk to him
My pride stops me, with door slamming urgency
I miss him
Everything we gave to each others life, has he replaced me?

Wow.   Where did that come from?  Oh yea. . . .I remember now.
Yesterday I was mending fences with an internet friend from Canada that is in a very similar situation to mine.  Only she's the one that's married and a friend of mine is her 'Saudade'.  Being that he's a good friend of mine when they have a falling out, like my friend and I did 12 days ago. . . I get, well, quiet.  Trying my best not to take sides, but be supportive and honest in my advice.  I find it very interesting that in a space of 72 hours they both had asked me for advice.  Honestly she and I haven't talked in a while and I was never sure why.  I got some suggestions from  my friend and some from her and with most stories both seem almost right, and the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.  It was good to talk with her and before we knew it most of the morning was gone chatting about what we did right and what we did wrong.

You see she recently told him that they were through too.  Just like I had to with my married friend.  The parallels are kind of spooky.  My friend and I both live in towns with La proceeding the city name and both our married friends live in towns with the same name but in different countries.  The married ones are both kind of shy and less likely to stir up a confrontation, my friend and I are not shy and more than willing to confront our issues.  It's just with these two we are so enamored that we find ourselves giving way.  And doing things we normally would not do, out of love for them.  They have both chosen to try to make things work with their spouses, she is not in a happy marriage, and he doesn't talk about happiness, he talks about 'reason and logic' being the only true guides and the heart leading him to ruin.  I'm glad I was his heart.  I'd much rather be his passion than his reason, IF I have to choose.  Because I believe that true passion never dies.

Long story short, both of us girls really want to talk to the boys, but we either don't believe they would be receptive, or we are afraid it would start all over again.  All the longing, and love and desire, and wishful thinking, and then the resentment that they are alive but not with us would kick in.  In her case she fully understands that its her choice to be without my friend, and hopes he will someday understand that she had to let him go for him to find happiness, and for her to figure out her life.

My friend has tried to contact me twice in the 12 days I blew up over something stupid that forced us to see the larger picture of why.  Of course this means he misses me and cares.  Even if he's not saying it, and contacting me with any excuse he can think of.  I believe he wants to talk to me but doesn't know what to say.  It's funny actually.  All I need to hear to pause this on a good note from him is, "I miss you, I love you, and if I'm ever single I'll call you."  short sweet and too the point.

I've discovered his romantic side again while reading these books he suggested for me.  I'm almost done with the second one, (read all day yesterday, couldn't put it down.  Mad Ship by Robin Hobb.  It's a pirate/dragon/sea serpent/triad against slavery/fantasy novel. . . where the romantic entanglements remind me of us.  Two couples in the series are so like us it makes me curious for how the series ends.  I wish I could share it with him.  Somehow I feel closer to him while reading them)

Last night there was a brilliant thunderstorm complete with lightning, and it forced me to remember our fantasies in the summer rain.  And our realities on our hike and getting caught in a short shower.  I remember him fondly, and I always will.  I just need time to fall out of love with him.  Maybe then I can be his friend again.  The scary thing to me is that it's been a year and five months now and I still love him.  It doesn't seem to be going away for me.  I think I still know his heart.  It's the 'think' in that sentence that bothers me.

12 days and I guess, I'm counting.


  1. ok let me get this straight.. you are trying to fall out of love with him but you are reading romantic books that he suggested for you?

    step back and think about this, jill. you know what you would tell us in this situation. you're really not cutting off ties. it's just a way to stay connected with him even though you're not talking. you're still involved in the fantasy in your mind. you're not really moving on. sorry.


  2. that may be true, but I'm sure he will not be contacting me again. And now all I need is time. And the books are good, so I'm sucked into them with or without him. Let this be a lesson to all of us on the dangers of flirting, and investing your heart when you haven't thought it through. I think we both did that, and then got swept away. He found his footing without me. In time I'll find mine without him too.