RUSH Beyond The Lighted Stage

Normally I do not use my blog for reviews. But I have to pass on this bit of information for other RUSH fans that may be followers. If you did not live in a cool enough city to show this documentary on the one day in June that it was showing, like me, then you have had to wait for it's DVD release. And let me tell you it is well worth the wait! RUSH Beyond The Lighted Stage.

This is a must have for every RUSH fan out there. Not only is it informative with childhood photos and information about the life long friendship of the band members. While that was not new news to me, may be to some of you. But it also is chock full of rare and recent concert footage. Which you would expect. What makes this one different than other rock n roll documentaries is the candid and often times very funny remarks from many. . . MANY other famous rock and roll artists that have been heavenly influenced by RUSH.

I found myself not only connecting with the band in many of the humorous back stage extras, (my favorite being a dinner with the band members at a hunting lodge) but also with the other Rock musicians and singer/songwriters that appeared to remember with me why they loved RUSH as a kid growing up.

The voice that RUSH spoke to me with, was one of pure geek-dome and nonconformist freewill, with a dose of outsider throw in for good measure. And at once, I felt that I was not alone. As an unsure teenager, with their words of intellect and individuality they helped me to remember, at all costs, who I was, and to never sell out.

Something I didn't know and I bet most of you don't either, was that they are ranked third in consecutive gold or platinum albums after The Beatles and The Rolling Stones. Wow. . . that's right. . .a Canadian rock band! So there! And I bet with a stat like that you either are a RUSH fan or you know one. We're everywhere, and most of us are hard to spot. We're kind of invisible, until we all get together at RUSH-CON or a concert.

I'm going again this summer when they hit the twin cities Aug. 27th, and if you haven't seen them yet live, I encourage you to do so. As quickly as you can. You never know, this may be the last year. . .

33 days and counting. . .

Here I Go Again, Recreating The Past

Last night the sound of the thunder effected my dreams. Every time it woke me up, my dreams would change from Instant Message screens to him reaching out to me. The dream was so choppy and urgent, and filled with the longing that I feel in my waking hours.

Here I sit, eyes still red-rimmed from crying most the night, drinking coffee and wondering how I'm going to face my life without him in it. How will I get through not being able to share my days and nights with him. The hours we spent together sharing everything. . . the innocent and not so innocent times we remembered our 4 days together, and made up new encounters, hoped for the future, and wished we could be together again. Writers are so creative when it comes to fantasy.

Last night the sound of my tears effected my communication. I pushed him away, like I had two other great loves in my past. I pushed so hard this time, he said he was happy with his life, as happy as he can be, and I pushed. And my heart snapped. His happiness being more important to me than my own. His future with her being more important to him than us.

Here I sit, on the verge of tears and numb for everything around me. And my thoughts are with him, wanting more than anything else to take it all back, and hold him and kiss him forever. . . but his hugs and kisses belong to someone else. He'll be married less than a month, and so I brought our over 6 month affair to an end.

For those of you that believe that an internet affair is not as serious as a real one, nor as damaging, I'm here to argue the point. The four days we had in person together confirmed everything before, and cemented everything after.

I hope I haven't destroyed us completely. I hope he does keep in touch as he said he would. I hope if he's ever single he'll call me. But for now, I must let him go, and it feels like I've cut off a piece of myself. I understand what it feels like now when Stevie sang, "Something in my heart died last night, one more chip off an already broken heart.....Blame it on my Wild Heart."

The future influences the present just as much as the past.

While reading this today I couldn't help but think of my present situations and wonder just how true this statement is. For those of you that know me, you know that I tend to relive the past. . . a lot. And while I do this with good memories for the rush, and bad memories for the lessons, I know it influences my present.

But lately I've been given three 'future' options in the romance department. Very interesting and very unexpected options. Well two of the three are interesting, one of them is just not an interesting enough option to me to go there, and if he actually offers more then just a mid life crisis text message, I'll let him know that road was closed at the divorce. And for the record he's only interested in me when I'm interested in someone else...how he somehow senses that I'm interested in someone else is better left unexplained. (I don't talk to him, so he can't know) And if I start talking about past lives and connections you'll think I'm bonkers. . .well more bonkers than you already do. :D (Three For One - 341)

But I mention him at all because when my romantic live erupts all over me, it usually happens in threes. Kind of like death happening in threes. (there goes my morbid sense of humor again)

And so now I'm thinking about two future options, and honestly one is a much better fit, and I feel a much stronger connection with, but for him a harder decision to make me reality. The other, might not be as hard a decision, but still a hard choice and the connection is not as strong. But well, it's me, so it's complicated.

Apparently it can never be easy in this life for me romantically. . . and my future options I find are keeping me thinking about my past and when this happened before, back in the 80's. The choices I made then, in the end proved to be the wrong choices, hence the divorce. Now I find myself saying the old adage, "Life gives you the opportunity to make the same mistake twice."

Here is where it gets hard for me. . . I see the similarities, in the two choices I'm contemplating, with the two choices I had in the past. . . and life is saying. . . okay, you thought it was hard with just the one you are in love with. . . now we will get down to it, and you can try to do this the right way this time.

Funny. Fate is funny. Only which is the right way? Only the future will tell. Good thing I'm patient.

Big Brother and Big Business

I recently got the chance to get extremely pissed off at a bill that Senator Joe Lieberman is trying to push through congress. It's been called the Internet Kill Switch. Follow the link if you'd like to read the entire bill. Its a long one, and I can tell you it's very vague, in so many ways that it's scary. http://www.docstoc.com/docs/44104910/Internet-Kill-Switch---Protecting-Cyberspace-as-a-National-Asset-Act-%28PCNAA%29

How is it scary? Well it's scary to me because it give not only the President, who, by the way had nothing to do with creating this bill, but the media is blaming him, but it also gives an appointed Director absolute power to kill the internet, whenever a financial threat is imposed upon us by terrorist. Actually the bill is so vague they don't even go into detail about what the parameters to be considered a threat. Could be ANY threat....And while we're at it, wouldn't shutting down the internet cause more damage to our financial structure than the threat?

I've talked about this to several of my friends, some of them posted their own blogs on it, others reminded me that this kind of thing is not new, but has been in effect since 1934 for all forms of media. I didn't know that, and that completely bombards my argument on why haven't they tried to do this with radio, television or telephones....apparently they have and can. So Big Brother now is striking a deal with Big Business, wouldn't be the first time, to control our basic freedoms. This makes it very hard for me to feel good about any of the people we have in power. And it makes me wonder how much more as citizens we will stand before we say, enough is enough. And if Big Business, say wants to make even more money, whose to stop them from regulating the internet into a form of media, instead of communication so that it can be handled differently. And then charging us to use it even more than they do now.

Some of my friends have said, it'll never happen, because the porn industry would never allow a kill switch for the internet. Many have argued that it's impossible to 'shut it down' when it's not a centrally located thing. But the bill refers to very high fines to the internet providers and three most popular search engines, yahoo, google, and youtube, if they did not shut down.

But the vagueness of the bill is perhaps the scariest to me. This director will have all departments of government reporting to him, even military and intelligence, and what they find they will then determine if the internet would be shut down. Now I wonder, where does this end? How much do I have to say in lets say my blog, before Big Brother decided I'm a threat to our financial community, or even just a threat, and came and carted me off.

I won't stand for it! What about my INTERNET AFFAIR! What about my facebook account? Not to mention any real work I might need to do to, oh I don't know MAKE A LIVING! This is against my constitutional rights. And if we don't stand up for our rights no one else will. The time for revolution is now! Write your senators and congressmen, go to your state's website and send them an e-mail that says you are against this. Or if you are for it then do that too. But do something other than just blog and complain. Make a difference. It's one of the only freedoms we still have....to vote and to let our voices be heard through the political system. The more we let our representatives know how we feel, the better chance we have of not letting this pass.

Oh and while I'm at it....Stop listening to the news or reading the paper until they decide to tell it like it is instead of making up headlines or news bites that sound good and are geared to give them good ratings instead of telling you the truth and keeping the public informed. The media is more to blame for this than anyone, by slanting stories.

If they don't cart me away I'll see you next week.

When can you have too much experience?

After finishing my third week of unemployment(almost 6 months total) I am discovering that the general consensus is, and I quote, "We really liked Jill, we just feel that she is so overqualified that she'll be bored in this position." What the HOUSE! I'm getting so sick of hearing this. Of course I realize I'm overqualified, EVERYONE in this market is overqualified. Of course I realize I might be bored. So WHAT? Everyone gets bored in their jobs sometime, or we sometimes have to do boring jobs. I'm a professional. If i didn't want to do the work, i wouldn't be applying for the job.

Of course my unemployment is over, (temporary jobs can really mess with your unemployment....fair warning) and my saving is almost gone, and while thanks to my recent reading of Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway, makes me still feel in control, in power and not a failure. I'm very worried about money now. I hate worrying about money. Makes me feel guilty for every dime I spend for anything other than bills and food. But at least I still have two jobs from last weeks interviews in the running. Perhaps one of them will want to give me a chance to work for them and show them what an overqualified professional can really accomplish.

Of course, this is not the only place in my life I feel overqualified. I feel overqualified in the relationship department too. You know, the whole I've been married a few times, had a few lovers or boyfriends through the years and I think I've got this down now. Kind of figured out what not to do from my own, and my ex's mistakes. Oh and lets not forget what a lot of partners teaches you in the bedroom. I think I'm overqualified for most partners. So when I find one that really gets to me, doesn't it make sense that I never want to let him go?

Starting to fall in love with thunderstorms now...Let it rain!...Bring on the thunder and lightning!

*************WE APOLOGIZE FOR THAT PRIVATE MESSAGE THAT SOMEHOW FOUND IT'S WAY INTO A PUBLIC BLOG...WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN AND THE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE HAVE BEEN SACKED, AS WE FOUND THEY WERE 'OVERQUALIFIED'*****************

Sorry about that, I must have temporarily lost my mind for a minute....I blame it on waking up to light rain and thunder.

Send positive energy to the universe for me, and I promise I'll send it back. I know I'll find a job. Can't it just be tomorrow?

Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway

For those of you that read me weekly you know I never do reviews....well, never say never. While this recent new unemployment (week number 2)and heartbreak at not getting the man of my dreams (month number 2)I've been feeling very down on myself, cynical, unwanted and unloved, unworthy. Feelings I know all of you have felt at one point in your life.

One of my truest and best friends suggested a book that really helped him during a bout of similar depression, years ago. In fact he says he will often pull it out and re-read certain passages to remind himself how he should be feeling about whatever it is that has gotten him upset.

This intrigued me. Both being intellectuals and you know how they are, they never really need any help, or never admit it, or only suggest things in hushed tones.

Well I took this suggestion to heart and ran to my local library to get a copy. I read it in one sitting that same afternoon and evening. It was that good. And it had reminded me of how I use to be. I how I use to live my life just knowing that everything, somehow was going to be alright. The power of positive thinking is really what I had forgotten.

That and a very simple rule: The subconscious mind does not know the difference, like the conscious mind. So that means that you can tell yourself, every day, "I am worthy, I am strong, I am creating the perfect (insert issue here---job, relationship, body) NOW." and your subconscious mind will believe it. Hook, line, and sinker. See, you don't even have to believe it, youself. And that is how you get your Higher Self to grow and become more in charge than your Chatterbox.

Susan Jefferes, Ph.D. wrote this amazing little book and she goes into great detail about how we all listen to that Chatterbox in our head first. The one that tells us we can't do it, I'm not worthy, I shouldn't do it, I hope, If only....if any of this sounds familiar, you are not taking responsibility for your life.

I have several quotes that I love from the book, and when you read it you will too, but for me, the one that really hits home is: "You’re not a failure if you don’t make it; You’re a success because you try"

That formula alone will stop you from not taking the risks that will make you happy. That's right, RISKS make you HAPPY. Not being right or living the safer route. There is no right or wrong decision, just learning experiences. Life is learning, and if you live your life afraid of risks, because you think they aren't right (and I'm not talking illegal stuff here) then you aren't truly happy.

As I was reading the book I had a breakthrough....."When had I stopped living my life like this?" I remember distinctly after the divorce, when my best friend Erin helped me "shed" and find my voice again. (thank you my dearest!) But where had i lost it? And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had taken a risk (a good thing!) and tried a job that my heart was just not black enough to do....being a landlord. And to do the job over a period of almost 2 years I had to "Be" a certain way with the tenants that I didn't like. And it started to turn me into a cynical, bitter person. I'm not sorry for the experience, quite the contrary, I'm thankful that learned I'm not cut out for that, even if without it, I'm unemployed and struggling. I know the universe is creating the perfect job for me RIGHT NOW. I know I'll get another job. (not i hope, not I'm trying, not I'm looking......I KNOW)

I, like the author don't know how this works, but it does. The more positive energy you put out into the universe, the more comes back to you. I suggest this book for anyone who can read. Hell, if you can't read have someone read it to you! It has helped me to become more relaxed and focused after just two days of practicing her methods. Some may call it brainwashing, or pop-psych. I don't care. If it works then it's good.

So if you are having the same problems I was having, and I know my Chatterbox is not gone, but it's sure much more quite, I suggest you read this book. I promise you it will help. And if you are a positive person, like I AM right now (see how much i learned?) It never hurts to have a refresher course.Search Amazon.com for feel the fear and do it anyway by susan jeffers

A Fidgeting Mind is as Telling as Fidgeting Hands, or Feet.

I'm a mover, and shaker, and I don't mean that in the terms of big business. I mean it in the terms of body language. If you know me in real life, or follow this blog, you know I'm big on what people say, how to use your right words, as the goblins in Labyrinth remind us. But as a writer and trained observer of people, I am also quite aware of others, and hopefully, my own, body language. And I've read enough articles on body language and how to change it, to make myself seem more approachable or open, and in most cases is does work to change my mind set.

But like I said, I'm a mover and a shaker. Even in moments of quite, watching a movie or reading a book, it seems like I need to have some part of my body moving. Fidgeting if you will. My body part of choice is usually my right foot. (I know, great opportunity to plug a fab Daniel Day Lewis movie here, and I don't do it even for creative process...oh well, I'm honest here.)

Now I use to blame this completely on nerves. "I'm just a nervous person" or "I should have been a percussionist....always moving" But I've come to realize, that it's not nerves so much as being uncomfortable with the situation that I'm in when I start to fidget. How did I come to this unique understanding? I'll tell you. Chatting on line. Yep. You heard it here first. Chatting on line.

Now when I'm chatting, I'm sometimes nervous or uncomfortable with the topic or question that has been posed to me, and my fingers are already typing, and fidgeting, so my foot can take the day off. But I realized that my MIND also fidgets. I stall when answering...me....and not go with my gut....or I'm thinking too much. I'd like to believe that this is me learning how to phrase what I say before I say it. To finally learn that others feelings are more important than my own, and even when typing--words can wound--sometimes forever.

But I don't think I'm that cool. I realized, that the nervousness that accompanies my foot, subtle as it is, is partnered with a small little itch in my brain that is uncomfortable, and screaming to change the subject, or just don't start a debate with this one, because it will not end well. And I have discovered my mind fidgets. Who knew? So as my body language is starting to become less obvious that something is amiss, my mind is taking control of that.

And while I look more confident, now I don't sound it anymore. Not sure which was better. When people are uncomfortable with the present moment, they fidget with their hands or their minds. Watch and see.