After finishing my third week of unemployment(almost 6 months total) I am discovering that the general consensus is, and I quote, "We really liked Jill, we just feel that she is so overqualified that she'll be bored in this position." What the HOUSE! I'm getting so sick of hearing this. Of course I realize I'm overqualified, EVERYONE in this market is overqualified. Of course I realize I might be bored. So WHAT? Everyone gets bored in their jobs sometime, or we sometimes have to do boring jobs. I'm a professional. If i didn't want to do the work, i wouldn't be applying for the job.
Of course my unemployment is over, (temporary jobs can really mess with your unemployment....fair warning) and my saving is almost gone, and while thanks to my recent reading of Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway, makes me still feel in control, in power and not a failure. I'm very worried about money now. I hate worrying about money. Makes me feel guilty for every dime I spend for anything other than bills and food. But at least I still have two jobs from last weeks interviews in the running. Perhaps one of them will want to give me a chance to work for them and show them what an overqualified professional can really accomplish.
Of course, this is not the only place in my life I feel overqualified. I feel overqualified in the relationship department too. You know, the whole I've been married a few times, had a few lovers or boyfriends through the years and I think I've got this down now. Kind of figured out what not to do from my own, and my ex's mistakes. Oh and lets not forget what a lot of partners teaches you in the bedroom. I think I'm overqualified for most partners. So when I find one that really gets to me, doesn't it make sense that I never want to let him go?
Starting to fall in love with thunderstorms now...Let it rain!...Bring on the thunder and lightning!
*************WE APOLOGIZE FOR THAT PRIVATE MESSAGE THAT SOMEHOW FOUND IT'S WAY INTO A PUBLIC BLOG...WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN AND THE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE HAVE BEEN SACKED, AS WE FOUND THEY WERE 'OVERQUALIFIED'*****************
Sorry about that, I must have temporarily lost my mind for a minute....I blame it on waking up to light rain and thunder.
Send positive energy to the universe for me, and I promise I'll send it back. I know I'll find a job. Can't it just be tomorrow?
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway
For those of you that read me weekly you know I never do reviews....well, never say never. While this recent new unemployment (week number 2)and heartbreak at not getting the man of my dreams (month number 2)I've been feeling very down on myself, cynical, unwanted and unloved, unworthy. Feelings I know all of you have felt at one point in your life.
One of my truest and best friends suggested a book that really helped him during a bout of similar depression, years ago. In fact he says he will often pull it out and re-read certain passages to remind himself how he should be feeling about whatever it is that has gotten him upset.
This intrigued me. Both being intellectuals and you know how they are, they never really need any help, or never admit it, or only suggest things in hushed tones.
Well I took this suggestion to heart and ran to my local library to get a copy. I read it in one sitting that same afternoon and evening. It was that good. And it had reminded me of how I use to be. I how I use to live my life just knowing that everything, somehow was going to be alright. The power of positive thinking is really what I had forgotten.
That and a very simple rule: The subconscious mind does not know the difference, like the conscious mind. So that means that you can tell yourself, every day, "I am worthy, I am strong, I am creating the perfect (insert issue here---job, relationship, body) NOW." and your subconscious mind will believe it. Hook, line, and sinker. See, you don't even have to believe it, youself. And that is how you get your Higher Self to grow and become more in charge than your Chatterbox.
Susan Jefferes, Ph.D. wrote this amazing little book and she goes into great detail about how we all listen to that Chatterbox in our head first. The one that tells us we can't do it, I'm not worthy, I shouldn't do it, I hope, If only....if any of this sounds familiar, you are not taking responsibility for your life.
I have several quotes that I love from the book, and when you read it you will too, but for me, the one that really hits home is: "You’re not a failure if you don’t make it; You’re a success because you try"
That formula alone will stop you from not taking the risks that will make you happy. That's right, RISKS make you HAPPY. Not being right or living the safer route. There is no right or wrong decision, just learning experiences. Life is learning, and if you live your life afraid of risks, because you think they aren't right (and I'm not talking illegal stuff here) then you aren't truly happy.
As I was reading the book I had a breakthrough....."When had I stopped living my life like this?" I remember distinctly after the divorce, when my best friend Erin helped me "shed" and find my voice again. (thank you my dearest!) But where had i lost it? And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had taken a risk (a good thing!) and tried a job that my heart was just not black enough to do....being a landlord. And to do the job over a period of almost 2 years I had to "Be" a certain way with the tenants that I didn't like. And it started to turn me into a cynical, bitter person. I'm not sorry for the experience, quite the contrary, I'm thankful that learned I'm not cut out for that, even if without it, I'm unemployed and struggling. I know the universe is creating the perfect job for me RIGHT NOW. I know I'll get another job. (not i hope, not I'm trying, not I'm looking......I KNOW)
I, like the author don't know how this works, but it does. The more positive energy you put out into the universe, the more comes back to you. I suggest this book for anyone who can read. Hell, if you can't read have someone read it to you! It has helped me to become more relaxed and focused after just two days of practicing her methods. Some may call it brainwashing, or pop-psych. I don't care. If it works then it's good.
So if you are having the same problems I was having, and I know my Chatterbox is not gone, but it's sure much more quite, I suggest you read this book. I promise you it will help. And if you are a positive person, like I AM right now (see how much i learned?) It never hurts to have a refresher course.Search Amazon.com for feel the fear and do it anyway by susan jeffers
One of my truest and best friends suggested a book that really helped him during a bout of similar depression, years ago. In fact he says he will often pull it out and re-read certain passages to remind himself how he should be feeling about whatever it is that has gotten him upset.
This intrigued me. Both being intellectuals and you know how they are, they never really need any help, or never admit it, or only suggest things in hushed tones.
Well I took this suggestion to heart and ran to my local library to get a copy. I read it in one sitting that same afternoon and evening. It was that good. And it had reminded me of how I use to be. I how I use to live my life just knowing that everything, somehow was going to be alright. The power of positive thinking is really what I had forgotten.
That and a very simple rule: The subconscious mind does not know the difference, like the conscious mind. So that means that you can tell yourself, every day, "I am worthy, I am strong, I am creating the perfect (insert issue here---job, relationship, body) NOW." and your subconscious mind will believe it. Hook, line, and sinker. See, you don't even have to believe it, youself. And that is how you get your Higher Self to grow and become more in charge than your Chatterbox.
Susan Jefferes, Ph.D. wrote this amazing little book and she goes into great detail about how we all listen to that Chatterbox in our head first. The one that tells us we can't do it, I'm not worthy, I shouldn't do it, I hope, If only....if any of this sounds familiar, you are not taking responsibility for your life.
I have several quotes that I love from the book, and when you read it you will too, but for me, the one that really hits home is: "You’re not a failure if you don’t make it; You’re a success because you try"
That formula alone will stop you from not taking the risks that will make you happy. That's right, RISKS make you HAPPY. Not being right or living the safer route. There is no right or wrong decision, just learning experiences. Life is learning, and if you live your life afraid of risks, because you think they aren't right (and I'm not talking illegal stuff here) then you aren't truly happy.
As I was reading the book I had a breakthrough....."When had I stopped living my life like this?" I remember distinctly after the divorce, when my best friend Erin helped me "shed" and find my voice again. (thank you my dearest!) But where had i lost it? And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had taken a risk (a good thing!) and tried a job that my heart was just not black enough to do....being a landlord. And to do the job over a period of almost 2 years I had to "Be" a certain way with the tenants that I didn't like. And it started to turn me into a cynical, bitter person. I'm not sorry for the experience, quite the contrary, I'm thankful that learned I'm not cut out for that, even if without it, I'm unemployed and struggling. I know the universe is creating the perfect job for me RIGHT NOW. I know I'll get another job. (not i hope, not I'm trying, not I'm looking......I KNOW)
I, like the author don't know how this works, but it does. The more positive energy you put out into the universe, the more comes back to you. I suggest this book for anyone who can read. Hell, if you can't read have someone read it to you! It has helped me to become more relaxed and focused after just two days of practicing her methods. Some may call it brainwashing, or pop-psych. I don't care. If it works then it's good.
So if you are having the same problems I was having, and I know my Chatterbox is not gone, but it's sure much more quite, I suggest you read this book. I promise you it will help. And if you are a positive person, like I AM right now (see how much i learned?) It never hurts to have a refresher course.Search Amazon.com for feel the fear and do it anyway by susan jeffers
Sunday, June 13, 2010
A Fidgeting Mind is as Telling as Fidgeting Hands, or Feet.
I'm a mover, and shaker, and I don't mean that in the terms of big business. I mean it in the terms of body language. If you know me in real life, or follow this blog, you know I'm big on what people say, how to use your right words, as the goblins in Labyrinth remind us. But as a writer and trained observer of people, I am also quite aware of others, and hopefully, my own, body language. And I've read enough articles on body language and how to change it, to make myself seem more approachable or open, and in most cases is does work to change my mind set.
But like I said, I'm a mover and a shaker. Even in moments of quite, watching a movie or reading a book, it seems like I need to have some part of my body moving. Fidgeting if you will. My body part of choice is usually my right foot. (I know, great opportunity to plug a fab Daniel Day Lewis movie here, and I don't do it even for creative process...oh well, I'm honest here.)
Now I use to blame this completely on nerves. "I'm just a nervous person" or "I should have been a percussionist....always moving" But I've come to realize, that it's not nerves so much as being uncomfortable with the situation that I'm in when I start to fidget. How did I come to this unique understanding? I'll tell you. Chatting on line. Yep. You heard it here first. Chatting on line.
Now when I'm chatting, I'm sometimes nervous or uncomfortable with the topic or question that has been posed to me, and my fingers are already typing, and fidgeting, so my foot can take the day off. But I realized that my MIND also fidgets. I stall when answering...me....and not go with my gut....or I'm thinking too much. I'd like to believe that this is me learning how to phrase what I say before I say it. To finally learn that others feelings are more important than my own, and even when typing--words can wound--sometimes forever.
But I don't think I'm that cool. I realized, that the nervousness that accompanies my foot, subtle as it is, is partnered with a small little itch in my brain that is uncomfortable, and screaming to change the subject, or just don't start a debate with this one, because it will not end well. And I have discovered my mind fidgets. Who knew? So as my body language is starting to become less obvious that something is amiss, my mind is taking control of that.
And while I look more confident, now I don't sound it anymore. Not sure which was better. When people are uncomfortable with the present moment, they fidget with their hands or their minds. Watch and see.
But like I said, I'm a mover and a shaker. Even in moments of quite, watching a movie or reading a book, it seems like I need to have some part of my body moving. Fidgeting if you will. My body part of choice is usually my right foot. (I know, great opportunity to plug a fab Daniel Day Lewis movie here, and I don't do it even for creative process...oh well, I'm honest here.)
Now I use to blame this completely on nerves. "I'm just a nervous person" or "I should have been a percussionist....always moving" But I've come to realize, that it's not nerves so much as being uncomfortable with the situation that I'm in when I start to fidget. How did I come to this unique understanding? I'll tell you. Chatting on line. Yep. You heard it here first. Chatting on line.
Now when I'm chatting, I'm sometimes nervous or uncomfortable with the topic or question that has been posed to me, and my fingers are already typing, and fidgeting, so my foot can take the day off. But I realized that my MIND also fidgets. I stall when answering...me....and not go with my gut....or I'm thinking too much. I'd like to believe that this is me learning how to phrase what I say before I say it. To finally learn that others feelings are more important than my own, and even when typing--words can wound--sometimes forever.
But I don't think I'm that cool. I realized, that the nervousness that accompanies my foot, subtle as it is, is partnered with a small little itch in my brain that is uncomfortable, and screaming to change the subject, or just don't start a debate with this one, because it will not end well. And I have discovered my mind fidgets. Who knew? So as my body language is starting to become less obvious that something is amiss, my mind is taking control of that.
And while I look more confident, now I don't sound it anymore. Not sure which was better. When people are uncomfortable with the present moment, they fidget with their hands or their minds. Watch and see.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Rock Bottom? Then Why Am I Happy?
This is going to start off sounding like a typical rant, but believe me, it's not. I got some very unsettling news on Friday that cost me a job, and while I have no control over this situation, like most situations that really upset me. I am going to try to get to the bottom of it next week. While I go back to looking for more work. This did get me to thinking about not only myself but others in the world right now who are unemployed, or underemployed, from this recession. This is not an easy time to be unemployed not matter what your age or educational background. And with this latest slap in the face, I'm starting to feel like I hit rock bottom.
And rock bottom is not a place that I'm familiar with. I've never walked in these shoes before....well, maybe close, but at those times, I could blame someone else for why I was where I was. This time I can only blame myself and my own mistakes. This makes it much more of an awakening experience.
That is if you choose to use the information to ask yourself, "Why am I here?" "Why is this happening to me?" "Why does this always happen to me?" And if you can be honest with your answers then perhaps, if you are lucky, like me, you can get an glimpse of what is REALLY wrong with your life. And fix it.
The answers to these questions are different for each of us, some realize they are mean and bitter because of some past hurts and have lost all the love and kindness they need to survive in the world, other than alone. Others might realize they are addicts and finally have that moment of clarity to get clean and sober. Others might wake up and realize that they are living a lie of some kind.....with the wrong person.....or with the wrong gender. And others find religion to help them along the path of life.....that inner need to talk (pray) to someone and believe they are listening.
I was going to talk today about long distance relationships and communication and how important making yourself very clear on the internet is. And how hard that can be if you don't speak in complete sentences, and say exactly what you mean. Which I know my friends and family do with me, but i get the feeling that many more of you use the internet shorthand to express yourself, probably more than you should. As a writer I can't tell you how much this pisses me off. So stop it. LOL OMG! BRB.
But instead I decided that if I was going to talk about communication I think the most important communication that can go on is the communication you have with yourself. Listen to that little voice in your head that you ignore. It might be telling you exactly what you need to hear to be truly happy not only in your life, but with yourself.
Make yourself your best friend, NOT your worst enemy. Love yourself first, and love will find you. This is what we should be saying to ourselves: No more self-destructive paths, no more 'oh but I can fix you', no more believing that I somehow deserve to be treated this way, no more procrastination, no more feeling trapped by past decision.
This is my life, and I only get one that I can remember. I'm living it. Are you?
And rock bottom is not a place that I'm familiar with. I've never walked in these shoes before....well, maybe close, but at those times, I could blame someone else for why I was where I was. This time I can only blame myself and my own mistakes. This makes it much more of an awakening experience.
That is if you choose to use the information to ask yourself, "Why am I here?" "Why is this happening to me?" "Why does this always happen to me?" And if you can be honest with your answers then perhaps, if you are lucky, like me, you can get an glimpse of what is REALLY wrong with your life. And fix it.
The answers to these questions are different for each of us, some realize they are mean and bitter because of some past hurts and have lost all the love and kindness they need to survive in the world, other than alone. Others might realize they are addicts and finally have that moment of clarity to get clean and sober. Others might wake up and realize that they are living a lie of some kind.....with the wrong person.....or with the wrong gender. And others find religion to help them along the path of life.....that inner need to talk (pray) to someone and believe they are listening.
I was going to talk today about long distance relationships and communication and how important making yourself very clear on the internet is. And how hard that can be if you don't speak in complete sentences, and say exactly what you mean. Which I know my friends and family do with me, but i get the feeling that many more of you use the internet shorthand to express yourself, probably more than you should. As a writer I can't tell you how much this pisses me off. So stop it. LOL OMG! BRB.
But instead I decided that if I was going to talk about communication I think the most important communication that can go on is the communication you have with yourself. Listen to that little voice in your head that you ignore. It might be telling you exactly what you need to hear to be truly happy not only in your life, but with yourself.
Make yourself your best friend, NOT your worst enemy. Love yourself first, and love will find you. This is what we should be saying to ourselves: No more self-destructive paths, no more 'oh but I can fix you', no more believing that I somehow deserve to be treated this way, no more procrastination, no more feeling trapped by past decision.
This is my life, and I only get one that I can remember. I'm living it. Are you?
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Memorial Day and New Beginnings
My thoughts are unusually scattered today. And I know it's because I really need to shut myself away and write. But I can't seem to calm my mind from running off in all directions.
Enjoying my three day weekend, brings my mind to why I have it. And I think not only about my own family and friends that have or are serving in the military, but all of the brave men and women who daily do a job I know I could NEVER do. So I choose today to take a moment to say "thank you" to them all, for standing on that wall, or walking that walk, or being that first line of defense that gives me the freedom that I come to take for granted. Its a job that no one likes to admit that we need doing, and few are cut out to do it.
The second thing on my mind is my on going soap opera of a life and hoping that I will not only find a job soon that I love and am qualified for, but also a romantic partner. You see I'm so tired of coming in second. With my interviews I'm either overqualified or after talking with me they think I'll be bored soon. Wow. Really? Well of course I'll be bored, aren't all the intelligent people doing your jobs bored? I guess it's a compliment, but they really should take into consideration that I know this when applying, but am willing to be bored to be employed. And in this market it's stupid to be too choosy. I know I'm management material, too bad there are no management jobs out there. I know I need to start over in a company that is willing to let me.....wish I could find it.
As for my very uneventful love life....well recently uneventful....lets try to put this into the best possible perspective. Something my dad said on the phone to me yesterday. "The greatest love of my life was your mother, and while I haven't been able to replace that, I'm still looking."
So while the greatest love of my life was decades ago, and one I should have married but didn't. And for about 10 years I stopped looking, recently I've put myself back out there only to be burned again. Makes me wonder if we don't just fall in love with the same people over and over, until we break the pattern. . . I think this last time I started to break the pattern in many ways, but then again, in some ways not so much. He was/is emotionally unavailable. This seems to be a pattern since my third husband....and I KNOW I don't want to go there again.
But I also know my dad is right. 47 is not old. And out there is a man that will love me and want me so much that he can't live without me. And when I find him, I'll not let him go this time. And even though it sucked to be rejected, I'm glad for the experience, the championship sex, and the knowledge that I CAN HAVE A LIFE again. And I am. I choose life. I choose risk. I choose love.
Nothing in life is worth having that doesn't include a bit of risk...
Cheers.
Enjoying my three day weekend, brings my mind to why I have it. And I think not only about my own family and friends that have or are serving in the military, but all of the brave men and women who daily do a job I know I could NEVER do. So I choose today to take a moment to say "thank you" to them all, for standing on that wall, or walking that walk, or being that first line of defense that gives me the freedom that I come to take for granted. Its a job that no one likes to admit that we need doing, and few are cut out to do it.
The second thing on my mind is my on going soap opera of a life and hoping that I will not only find a job soon that I love and am qualified for, but also a romantic partner. You see I'm so tired of coming in second. With my interviews I'm either overqualified or after talking with me they think I'll be bored soon. Wow. Really? Well of course I'll be bored, aren't all the intelligent people doing your jobs bored? I guess it's a compliment, but they really should take into consideration that I know this when applying, but am willing to be bored to be employed. And in this market it's stupid to be too choosy. I know I'm management material, too bad there are no management jobs out there. I know I need to start over in a company that is willing to let me.....wish I could find it.
As for my very uneventful love life....well recently uneventful....lets try to put this into the best possible perspective. Something my dad said on the phone to me yesterday. "The greatest love of my life was your mother, and while I haven't been able to replace that, I'm still looking."
So while the greatest love of my life was decades ago, and one I should have married but didn't. And for about 10 years I stopped looking, recently I've put myself back out there only to be burned again. Makes me wonder if we don't just fall in love with the same people over and over, until we break the pattern. . . I think this last time I started to break the pattern in many ways, but then again, in some ways not so much. He was/is emotionally unavailable. This seems to be a pattern since my third husband....and I KNOW I don't want to go there again.
But I also know my dad is right. 47 is not old. And out there is a man that will love me and want me so much that he can't live without me. And when I find him, I'll not let him go this time. And even though it sucked to be rejected, I'm glad for the experience, the championship sex, and the knowledge that I CAN HAVE A LIFE again. And I am. I choose life. I choose risk. I choose love.
Nothing in life is worth having that doesn't include a bit of risk...
Cheers.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
The Male Perspective
I've had an unusual week for me. Where most of my down time is spent in front of my computer writing, or listening to music while I try to write, or chatting with friends while I try to write, or letting facebook games eat my soul while, you guessed it, trying to write. I spent much less of that down time doing that and interacting with real live people.
What a concept. And not just my usual gang of girls, but people I don't get to see very often. Men. WOW...What a concept. And it was unusual that so many of my guy friends were in attendance this week.
It all started with fencing last Sunday, where I got to further bond with one of my oldest friends who had been like a little brother to me. Lets call this group the "Old School group". The more time I spend with him the more I realize I miss our humorous outlook on life and our competitive spirit. Also one of my ex's was present, and I'm always amazed when I run into him how little has really changed between us. He falls into the category of 'too bad we wanted different things in life'. I feel very good about rekindling friendly relationships with both of them. Was nice day, little flirty, mostly fun, and I learned a lot. Sounds like one of usual nights with the girls.....hum maybe some of my guy friends can be as good as my girl friends, and I can feel free to be myself with them and not feel like they only want one thing from me. Good for them!
And while they don't know everything about my situation, they have accepted me back with, so far, no questions asked, and an almost unconditional love. I call this the Patient Polite Perspective---they will wait to hear, and give opinions if asked, and if not politely ignore it. While not the best for getting over it quickly is definitely the place to be if you do not want to think about it, or talk about it anymore.
Then Tuesday night, I'm offered my first appearance with what I like to call "The Boys of Summer" (and yes, you can make a musical reference here.although I'm not talking about baseball, and neither was Don Henley, really....) Its usually lap tops and movies, and a lot of innuendo. Now they have one ring leader, whom has been a friend of mine, consistently, since about 1994. And he and his group of friends boost my ego in the way the first group mentioned choose not to. This group the flirting is hardly innocent, but it sure is fun! And since I'm mostly just eye candy with a brain, I'm really in control of how far it goes, and I'm a good girl at heart, so its a nice ego boost. Plus gives me the benefit of a lot of nice guys in my corner. If say, I ever need anyone beat up. Or when something breaks that I'm just too girly to fix...these are my go-to-guys, and the testosterone level is almost so high, i get turned on just by breathing the air! LOL I guess it's true what they say about every girl needing at least one guy like this.
And while their opinion is mostly, "Screw him he's an idiot if he'd choose her over you." their real agenda is more, "embrace your inner slut" so while the advice is skewed to their eye candy, it's still to my benefit of being empowered, and moving on, and remembering to have some fun. I like to call this the No Regrets Perspective.
Then Friday night rolls around and I've been looking forward to this all week, as my son and his best girl are coming into town. So I post on facebook all the details as I know it, expecting not only his "old school" friends, but hey, maybe even some of my own....things are going well in that department, and they haven't had the opportunity to hang out with him downtown, drinking, in a long, long time. And the added benefit of my daughter being able to join us now made it a real family affair. Sadly none of my "Old School", friends showed, but some of his did. And as much as I loved seeing the great healing going on between his best girl and one of her oldest best girlfriends, who is like a daughter to me, I had to marvel at all the healing that was going on for me, with these great young guys that are friends of my son. Young guys are my bane.
The first surprise of the night was running into one of The Boys of Summer, not the ring leader, and kind of a shock for us both to see us with our peeps. I got a great first hug, followed by some hardly innocent checks, and invited him to add his collection of friends to mine, which sadly didn't happen. But when they finished with their darts, he came over to completely ruin the concentration of my pool game, to give me another very lingering hug. . .gotta love those boys of summer. And was a nice way for me to start my evening on a high note.
The next one that surprised me with his opinions and honest emotion (wait a minute here.....are we talking about a straight guy? YES! YES we are!), has always referred to me as Jill Mom. But I know he really earned it that night. Listening to him discuss his recent heartbreak and how his friends while supportive were/are having a hard time still listening, reminded me of some of my own girlfriends attitudes about me discussing my continuing disappointment in my best fantasy and his life decision to not have it all, and stick to his commitment. And add to this guy a GREAT sense of timing and humor.....When I would ask to be distracted because my fantasy would SLAM into my mind....like a Sledgehammer (musical reference again!) ....he would 'shake it like a Polaroid picture'(and again! geez). When he spoke of her and his great disappointment and how he felt he had been involved for five years and was still amazed that he hardly knew her?? well that sure felt familiar too. We connected on a level of understanding that while healing our hearts are held together by will alone. And on a side note the math is half my age plus seven....lets don't traumatize the son! LOL So this example is a man that is man enough to not only be in touch with his feminine side and be able to talk openly about his life and feelings, but is still man enough to think his buddy's 'mom's got it going on'. (lots of musical references this week....maybe i need a sound track)
I'll call this the Been There Done That Perspective.
The next surprise was another long term friend of my sons' and I'd like to think of my own, although we really have spent very little time together that didn't include trying to yell at each other at Daze. He also was in a recent 'bad romance'. (there I go again). And we got to touch on the last ones in his life. How one was two years of his life he'll never get back...(sadly i agree) and the other, a complete disappointment in honer and the breaking of vows....(and again i am reminded of my own mistakes and my heart goes out to him) BUT---he's happy now. Happier than I've ever seen him and I LOVE his new girl. She is confident, sexy, smart, witty, and honest. WOW...could be my daughter, and totally wants me to meet her dad. How sweet is that? I have to add, that seeing them in the first blush of new love I was reminded of my fantasy guy that I feel ripped away from, and imagined him with his love looking this happy. I have to imagine it because I never saw it when I was with them. But I must as an intellectual assume it is there....right? Well maybe it isn't maybe they aren't as happy as this wonderful couple. And as happy as I am for him and his new girl, it only made me miss my fantasy more. I checked my cell for the 10th time wondering why I had no text from him...missing me, or hoping I was having fun. My crazy girl brain threatened to ruin my night. The son's friends wouldn't allow that. Really nice men and women. And proof that a man can respect and love you with no alternative motive than to just see you smile. Good for you. Can it be that I'm starting to believe again in men? This is the Learn By Example Perspective.
The last one that made an appearance that I would like to talk about is a friend of both my son and mine, but not a close friend although it's odd because we are close to alot of the same people. His perspective on my recent nocturnal activities with my fantasy guy are NOT as lax in moral judgment as most of the above mentioned men. Who i believe either don't share his opinion (The Boys of Summer) or not sure how to express it (The Son's Gang). Both these groups love me and want my happiness, but few (other than my daughter, but we're talking male perspective today) are willing to tell it like it is and actually express disappointment in MY behavior. My willingness to go after this guy even though he is taken, greatly disappointed him and I believe he is still scratching his head in wonderment at how I could actually do it. Having been that woman, and been cheated on, repeatedly by husbands or boyfriends, how could I do that to her? Good question and the only answer I can give is -- the heart wants what the heart wants.
I know it sounds lame, and not as important as a commitment, but ask yourself this....is the commitment real anymore when it can be broken by an affair? Neither of us think so, and while he does not like my actions, he also does not like his. Takes two to tango. I promised him I would do better, and I meant it. I hate disappointing my friends, almost more than myself. There is something very wrong with that last sentence, hopefully when I'm truly healed I'll know what that is. And believe it. But for now, I stand on my defense. I believe we are suppose to be together, and I have a hard time letting go of this powerful a connection in love. To hit on all cylinders like this is rare. So I will hide what I feel and I will move on and hope that I meet someone soon who makes this love seem like a high school crush, instead of the soul mate connection I believe it to be.
I use to not believe in Soul Mates. I use to think there were many people for each of us, and perhaps there are. But now, after meeting him, I think maybe I just had not met my soul mate yet, and could never possibly understand exactly what that means. And why when I would argue this point with some couples they would just hold on to each other a bit more tightly and smile at me like the Mona Lisa(wow OLD song reference)......What did they know I didn't?
Obviously this last perspective generated the most to think about, and cemented this as my blog post. I like to call this perspective the You Know Better Perspective.
Oh and honorable mention goes to the two men who wanted their cards read at last nights bonfire. Thank you for allowing me to share with you a tidbit of my experience as it related to both of your readings. My fellow Wand for letting me hit you with similar 'my own worst enemy' intellect. And Orange Shirt Guy for hitting me with a knowing smile of understanding in what life has chosen to deal us.
Turn The Page.....(I had to get RUSH one in)
What a concept. And not just my usual gang of girls, but people I don't get to see very often. Men. WOW...What a concept. And it was unusual that so many of my guy friends were in attendance this week.
It all started with fencing last Sunday, where I got to further bond with one of my oldest friends who had been like a little brother to me. Lets call this group the "Old School group". The more time I spend with him the more I realize I miss our humorous outlook on life and our competitive spirit. Also one of my ex's was present, and I'm always amazed when I run into him how little has really changed between us. He falls into the category of 'too bad we wanted different things in life'. I feel very good about rekindling friendly relationships with both of them. Was nice day, little flirty, mostly fun, and I learned a lot. Sounds like one of usual nights with the girls.....hum maybe some of my guy friends can be as good as my girl friends, and I can feel free to be myself with them and not feel like they only want one thing from me. Good for them!
And while they don't know everything about my situation, they have accepted me back with, so far, no questions asked, and an almost unconditional love. I call this the Patient Polite Perspective---they will wait to hear, and give opinions if asked, and if not politely ignore it. While not the best for getting over it quickly is definitely the place to be if you do not want to think about it, or talk about it anymore.
Then Tuesday night, I'm offered my first appearance with what I like to call "The Boys of Summer" (and yes, you can make a musical reference here.although I'm not talking about baseball, and neither was Don Henley, really....) Its usually lap tops and movies, and a lot of innuendo. Now they have one ring leader, whom has been a friend of mine, consistently, since about 1994. And he and his group of friends boost my ego in the way the first group mentioned choose not to. This group the flirting is hardly innocent, but it sure is fun! And since I'm mostly just eye candy with a brain, I'm really in control of how far it goes, and I'm a good girl at heart, so its a nice ego boost. Plus gives me the benefit of a lot of nice guys in my corner. If say, I ever need anyone beat up. Or when something breaks that I'm just too girly to fix...these are my go-to-guys, and the testosterone level is almost so high, i get turned on just by breathing the air! LOL I guess it's true what they say about every girl needing at least one guy like this.
And while their opinion is mostly, "Screw him he's an idiot if he'd choose her over you." their real agenda is more, "embrace your inner slut" so while the advice is skewed to their eye candy, it's still to my benefit of being empowered, and moving on, and remembering to have some fun. I like to call this the No Regrets Perspective.
Then Friday night rolls around and I've been looking forward to this all week, as my son and his best girl are coming into town. So I post on facebook all the details as I know it, expecting not only his "old school" friends, but hey, maybe even some of my own....things are going well in that department, and they haven't had the opportunity to hang out with him downtown, drinking, in a long, long time. And the added benefit of my daughter being able to join us now made it a real family affair. Sadly none of my "Old School", friends showed, but some of his did. And as much as I loved seeing the great healing going on between his best girl and one of her oldest best girlfriends, who is like a daughter to me, I had to marvel at all the healing that was going on for me, with these great young guys that are friends of my son. Young guys are my bane.
The first surprise of the night was running into one of The Boys of Summer, not the ring leader, and kind of a shock for us both to see us with our peeps. I got a great first hug, followed by some hardly innocent checks, and invited him to add his collection of friends to mine, which sadly didn't happen. But when they finished with their darts, he came over to completely ruin the concentration of my pool game, to give me another very lingering hug. . .gotta love those boys of summer. And was a nice way for me to start my evening on a high note.
The next one that surprised me with his opinions and honest emotion (wait a minute here.....are we talking about a straight guy? YES! YES we are!), has always referred to me as Jill Mom. But I know he really earned it that night. Listening to him discuss his recent heartbreak and how his friends while supportive were/are having a hard time still listening, reminded me of some of my own girlfriends attitudes about me discussing my continuing disappointment in my best fantasy and his life decision to not have it all, and stick to his commitment. And add to this guy a GREAT sense of timing and humor.....When I would ask to be distracted because my fantasy would SLAM into my mind....like a Sledgehammer (musical reference again!) ....he would 'shake it like a Polaroid picture'(and again! geez). When he spoke of her and his great disappointment and how he felt he had been involved for five years and was still amazed that he hardly knew her?? well that sure felt familiar too. We connected on a level of understanding that while healing our hearts are held together by will alone. And on a side note the math is half my age plus seven....lets don't traumatize the son! LOL So this example is a man that is man enough to not only be in touch with his feminine side and be able to talk openly about his life and feelings, but is still man enough to think his buddy's 'mom's got it going on'. (lots of musical references this week....maybe i need a sound track)
I'll call this the Been There Done That Perspective.
The next surprise was another long term friend of my sons' and I'd like to think of my own, although we really have spent very little time together that didn't include trying to yell at each other at Daze. He also was in a recent 'bad romance'. (there I go again). And we got to touch on the last ones in his life. How one was two years of his life he'll never get back...(sadly i agree) and the other, a complete disappointment in honer and the breaking of vows....(and again i am reminded of my own mistakes and my heart goes out to him) BUT---he's happy now. Happier than I've ever seen him and I LOVE his new girl. She is confident, sexy, smart, witty, and honest. WOW...could be my daughter, and totally wants me to meet her dad. How sweet is that? I have to add, that seeing them in the first blush of new love I was reminded of my fantasy guy that I feel ripped away from, and imagined him with his love looking this happy. I have to imagine it because I never saw it when I was with them. But I must as an intellectual assume it is there....right? Well maybe it isn't maybe they aren't as happy as this wonderful couple. And as happy as I am for him and his new girl, it only made me miss my fantasy more. I checked my cell for the 10th time wondering why I had no text from him...missing me, or hoping I was having fun. My crazy girl brain threatened to ruin my night. The son's friends wouldn't allow that. Really nice men and women. And proof that a man can respect and love you with no alternative motive than to just see you smile. Good for you. Can it be that I'm starting to believe again in men? This is the Learn By Example Perspective.
The last one that made an appearance that I would like to talk about is a friend of both my son and mine, but not a close friend although it's odd because we are close to alot of the same people. His perspective on my recent nocturnal activities with my fantasy guy are NOT as lax in moral judgment as most of the above mentioned men. Who i believe either don't share his opinion (The Boys of Summer) or not sure how to express it (The Son's Gang). Both these groups love me and want my happiness, but few (other than my daughter, but we're talking male perspective today) are willing to tell it like it is and actually express disappointment in MY behavior. My willingness to go after this guy even though he is taken, greatly disappointed him and I believe he is still scratching his head in wonderment at how I could actually do it. Having been that woman, and been cheated on, repeatedly by husbands or boyfriends, how could I do that to her? Good question and the only answer I can give is -- the heart wants what the heart wants.
I know it sounds lame, and not as important as a commitment, but ask yourself this....is the commitment real anymore when it can be broken by an affair? Neither of us think so, and while he does not like my actions, he also does not like his. Takes two to tango. I promised him I would do better, and I meant it. I hate disappointing my friends, almost more than myself. There is something very wrong with that last sentence, hopefully when I'm truly healed I'll know what that is. And believe it. But for now, I stand on my defense. I believe we are suppose to be together, and I have a hard time letting go of this powerful a connection in love. To hit on all cylinders like this is rare. So I will hide what I feel and I will move on and hope that I meet someone soon who makes this love seem like a high school crush, instead of the soul mate connection I believe it to be.
I use to not believe in Soul Mates. I use to think there were many people for each of us, and perhaps there are. But now, after meeting him, I think maybe I just had not met my soul mate yet, and could never possibly understand exactly what that means. And why when I would argue this point with some couples they would just hold on to each other a bit more tightly and smile at me like the Mona Lisa(wow OLD song reference)......What did they know I didn't?
Obviously this last perspective generated the most to think about, and cemented this as my blog post. I like to call this perspective the You Know Better Perspective.
Oh and honorable mention goes to the two men who wanted their cards read at last nights bonfire. Thank you for allowing me to share with you a tidbit of my experience as it related to both of your readings. My fellow Wand for letting me hit you with similar 'my own worst enemy' intellect. And Orange Shirt Guy for hitting me with a knowing smile of understanding in what life has chosen to deal us.
Turn The Page.....(I had to get RUSH one in)
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Crazy Girl Brian vs. Stupid Boy Brain
Good Morning Class (LOL), and today we are going to discuss an affliction that has not only infected myself, but several of my friends both male and female. The good news is that in most cases it is a very temporary state of mind, the bad news is I believe it is highly contagious and you are most able to catch it when you are at your most vulnerable.
I am speaking, of course of the moment when your own mind starts to turn against you and you acquire the need to be your own worst enemy. This is a widespread problem, and one that I hear people saying all the time. Including myself. Examples:
"I beat myself up much better than you do."
"I will punish myself much better than you or your friends can."
"I'm my own worst critic."
"I don't need a lecture from you when I've already lectured myself."
I know this is a state of mind most of us share, but as usual I started wondering why we do it to ourselves, and I've come to realize it's the Crazy Girl Brian/Stupid Boy Brain neuro pathway. I'm hoping with more awareness perhaps, our science community can come up with a cure. Perhaps we need a huge rock concert event reminiscent of LiveAid from 1985.
This is a warning you should heed when you are infected, it gets WORSE if the person you are talking to is also infected. SO BEWARE.
I've complied a few symptoms, At first I thought they might be gender specific, but I think now that that is just part of the Crazy Girl Brain. I think for the most part these symptoms are for both, or will be noted if gender specific.
Crazy Girl Brain/Stupid Boy Brain Symptoms
1. Fear- fear of the unknown, can make you...
a. paranoid
b. insecure- which leads to low self esteem
2. Low self esteem, which causes....
a. in some people silence and and unwillingness to try to communicate said fear
b. in others, self destructive behavior in an attempt to numb the feelings caused by said fear
3. Infinite wisdom (my personal favorite)which leads you to believe that you...
a. know exactly what the other person feels
b. thinks
c. or believes
4. Self doubt which can lead right back up to number 1. with the following added in for good measure
a. a sudden loss for words or any people/social skills
b. and an belief that you somehow DESERVE whatever treatment or situation you have the Crazy Girl Brain/Stupid Boy Brain over.
c. an added belief that it will NEVER get better nor that you will find happiness.
In my experience I can be fine until I get around a group of my girlfriends or guy-friends who happen to be infected. Once in their presence, the infection grows and mutates. And lately I've been the infected one, so I've kept myself away from my most suseptable friends. You are welcome. :)
These are usually harmless gatherings, sometimes intended to actually make the infected feel better or be cured, but take warning from me. Unless you are very secure in your place in life, job, relationships and ego, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HELP THESE FRIENDS. You may come away with the infection and it is, as I've said, highly contageous.
These are just a few of the symptoms, that can result in being around other people or even talking to your friends when infected:
1. distancing yourself from the very person/people you need the most (I see this one mostly in men as they have more difficulty talking about their feelings in the first place, but recently I, myself have fallen prey to this one)
2. suddenly realizing that your life sucks and you are in the same boat when you are not (suddenly being the operative word here--if you've been thinking about it, then you are probably already infected)
3. cheating on your spouse (grass is always greener syndrome and again, you are infected)
4. falling for the 'soap opera dialogue' syndrome (this one is usually a chick thing and can be summed up best as: not appreciating what he says but HOW he said or didn't say it.....really a bad one. No REAL man talks like a romance novel,ladies--if you want the boys of Twilight, go back to high school!)
5. crying over stupid scenarios in your head that you made up and are convinced they are the truth (see infinite wisdom) or things he said, (okay i made this one a chick thing because if my guy friends cry they certainly don't tell me about it.....needs more research.)
6. not being able to leave a tender moment alone (See Billy Joel--and I made this one a guy thing because they do it all the time. at the very moment when things are getting better they say something they think is funny or talk about the very subject that gave you Crazy Girl Brain to begin with, ONLY because they need something to say and don't know what to do....See no people/social skills above- this is purely Stupid Boy Brain. just comfort the girl, silly man)
I wish i had a list of cures, and things you can do to stop this once it has started, but sadly I do not.....at least not this week. Perhaps next week after I give this more thought, or can continue to cure myself of my Crazy Girl Brain.
I will leave you with the best advice I have gotten this week, and it is from Post Secret again, and i quote:
"No matter how far wrong you've gone, you can always turn around."
True that. Peace out.
I am speaking, of course of the moment when your own mind starts to turn against you and you acquire the need to be your own worst enemy. This is a widespread problem, and one that I hear people saying all the time. Including myself. Examples:
"I beat myself up much better than you do."
"I will punish myself much better than you or your friends can."
"I'm my own worst critic."
"I don't need a lecture from you when I've already lectured myself."
I know this is a state of mind most of us share, but as usual I started wondering why we do it to ourselves, and I've come to realize it's the Crazy Girl Brian/Stupid Boy Brain neuro pathway. I'm hoping with more awareness perhaps, our science community can come up with a cure. Perhaps we need a huge rock concert event reminiscent of LiveAid from 1985.
This is a warning you should heed when you are infected, it gets WORSE if the person you are talking to is also infected. SO BEWARE.
I've complied a few symptoms, At first I thought they might be gender specific, but I think now that that is just part of the Crazy Girl Brain. I think for the most part these symptoms are for both, or will be noted if gender specific.
Crazy Girl Brain/Stupid Boy Brain Symptoms
1. Fear- fear of the unknown, can make you...
a. paranoid
b. insecure- which leads to low self esteem
2. Low self esteem, which causes....
a. in some people silence and and unwillingness to try to communicate said fear
b. in others, self destructive behavior in an attempt to numb the feelings caused by said fear
3. Infinite wisdom (my personal favorite)which leads you to believe that you...
a. know exactly what the other person feels
b. thinks
c. or believes
4. Self doubt which can lead right back up to number 1. with the following added in for good measure
a. a sudden loss for words or any people/social skills
b. and an belief that you somehow DESERVE whatever treatment or situation you have the Crazy Girl Brain/Stupid Boy Brain over.
c. an added belief that it will NEVER get better nor that you will find happiness.
In my experience I can be fine until I get around a group of my girlfriends or guy-friends who happen to be infected. Once in their presence, the infection grows and mutates. And lately I've been the infected one, so I've kept myself away from my most suseptable friends. You are welcome. :)
These are usually harmless gatherings, sometimes intended to actually make the infected feel better or be cured, but take warning from me. Unless you are very secure in your place in life, job, relationships and ego, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HELP THESE FRIENDS. You may come away with the infection and it is, as I've said, highly contageous.
These are just a few of the symptoms, that can result in being around other people or even talking to your friends when infected:
1. distancing yourself from the very person/people you need the most (I see this one mostly in men as they have more difficulty talking about their feelings in the first place, but recently I, myself have fallen prey to this one)
2. suddenly realizing that your life sucks and you are in the same boat when you are not (suddenly being the operative word here--if you've been thinking about it, then you are probably already infected)
3. cheating on your spouse (grass is always greener syndrome and again, you are infected)
4. falling for the 'soap opera dialogue' syndrome (this one is usually a chick thing and can be summed up best as: not appreciating what he says but HOW he said or didn't say it.....really a bad one. No REAL man talks like a romance novel,ladies--if you want the boys of Twilight, go back to high school!)
5. crying over stupid scenarios in your head that you made up and are convinced they are the truth (see infinite wisdom) or things he said, (okay i made this one a chick thing because if my guy friends cry they certainly don't tell me about it.....needs more research.)
6. not being able to leave a tender moment alone (See Billy Joel--and I made this one a guy thing because they do it all the time. at the very moment when things are getting better they say something they think is funny or talk about the very subject that gave you Crazy Girl Brain to begin with, ONLY because they need something to say and don't know what to do....See no people/social skills above- this is purely Stupid Boy Brain. just comfort the girl, silly man)
I wish i had a list of cures, and things you can do to stop this once it has started, but sadly I do not.....at least not this week. Perhaps next week after I give this more thought, or can continue to cure myself of my Crazy Girl Brain.
I will leave you with the best advice I have gotten this week, and it is from Post Secret again, and i quote:
"No matter how far wrong you've gone, you can always turn around."
True that. Peace out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)