And here I am in Chicago, for "The Daughter That I Didn't Have, But Should Have Had's" (hereafter known as Second Daughter, because that's just too hard to keep typing-- hungover)-- Bachelorette Party. So it's really Saturday morning, yes I wrote this a day before you all get to read it, but that's just because I didn't want to miss my Sunday morning deadline, and we have brunch and travel plans on Sunday.
The party was a huge success, and I'm so glad that my daughter and I were not only included (of course we would be) but could afford to come. We all dressed up as slutty versions of ourselves, complete with make up and bright florescent wigs. (mine was orange, my daughter green, and second daughter purple, other brides maids will be referred to by their color wig, there was Blue Hair Woman, Pink Bob Girl, and Dark Blue Mistress. Now this was just the wedding party, who at Second Daughters house, had all the usual party favors, penis straws, penis cake, lots of beads, rings, pins, (mine said Major Tease) and of course our hair selections for the evening. Was wonderful to dress up and be someone we were not for the evening. And after our blow job lessons from the party planner, and purchasing our favorite sex toys or lubes, and drinking tons of wine, we left for the Wicker Park district of bar hopping (also known as six points for all you Chicago readers out there.) While I usually have the most fun with my daughter -Green Hair Girl, and my second daughter Purple Bob Lady (as in Sadie, Sadie, Married Lady for those of you that know musical theater) I must admit I had a lot of fun with the brides maids last night.
Blue Hair Woman was great at keeping us all together, (that is until we momentarily lost the bride, Purple Bob Lady for a few tense moments). Blue Hair Woman was full of energy and I related to her camera hog ability. I always hate my pictures, but was able to have some real fun with her in the Chicago underground as she gave my penis straw head, while I was wearing it stuck in my cleavage....you'd have to see the pictures to understand how fun it was.
Pink Bob Girl not only wanted to adopt me, but reminded me of myself at her age, in her 3 1/2 inch (at least) heels, she was continually getting me up to dance with them all (we danced all night! LOVED THAT).
Dark Blue Mistress was not only the easiest to talk to, but we had the same stamina.....started out hot and heavy, but pooped out about the same time, and found many opportunities not only to bond (ladies room talks!) but to share pictures and take some really cute ones for Purple Bob Lady of her really tired bridal party and me! :D
I could go on and on about how much fun it was, and never really give you the idea of how great it felt to strut my stuff, and get not only admiring glances but actual disbelief that I could be the brides ma. I think the orange wig must have helped make me look like I was their age. My real hair got the usual raves from the girls and our wonderful Gay Man About Town escort, and you know its good when both demographics love it. I still wish I'd get as many glances when I don't have orange hair. But Gay Man About Town did adopt me as a Fairy Princess. LOL.
We are off to a roast tonight.....and then home early enough to get some Groom Time. Have I mentioned how much I love this guy second daughter is marrying? I do. So I must get ready, and continue to catch up with my loved ones. I miss you all, and wish at least one of you were here to share this with me, on my arm.
But we can't always get what we want......but if we try, sometimes, we get what we need. I'm off to get what I need. Later.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
A World of Pure Imagination
This is not how I imagined our lives would go, and now we can't find our way out of this deep valley, but I know lost with you, I am safer than found with anyone else. My imagination is my own worst enemy and my best companion, for my imagination can figure out all sorts of ways to solve every problem I stumble onto. Unfortunately imagination is not real, and too much time spent there I will suddenly find that my life has flown by. I make promises that my imagination is completely sincere in keeping and then my waking self says to me, with that look I have, "Really? Really? This is what you want? This is what you need? This will keep you happy? This is enough?"
Tough questions, but you know I'm harder on myself than anyone else. I can honestly say yes to all of that, but I find myself smiling, some all knowing smile with it too. As if I'm almost daring myself to try this locked door and see what's behind it. Or further question, WHY is this door locked? Did I lock it? Funny, I must have, it's my door, in my head. I wonder why I locked it? And is it safe to open now, or will everything I know behind it, come flooding out and wash me away? Its just memories after all. How much damage could they really do?
Well, I think we all know the answer to that. Better keep the locked doors locked. Maybe open a new door and start putting memories in there. Maybe it will stay open this time. Maybe this is enough. Maybe understanding and compassion is all I really need...
...or maybe just chocolate. :D
Tough questions, but you know I'm harder on myself than anyone else. I can honestly say yes to all of that, but I find myself smiling, some all knowing smile with it too. As if I'm almost daring myself to try this locked door and see what's behind it. Or further question, WHY is this door locked? Did I lock it? Funny, I must have, it's my door, in my head. I wonder why I locked it? And is it safe to open now, or will everything I know behind it, come flooding out and wash me away? Its just memories after all. How much damage could they really do?
Well, I think we all know the answer to that. Better keep the locked doors locked. Maybe open a new door and start putting memories in there. Maybe it will stay open this time. Maybe this is enough. Maybe understanding and compassion is all I really need...
...or maybe just chocolate. :D
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Sweat Boys - behind the scenes
Last night I experienced another moment in time that felt like a beginning. A friend of mine has a band. No surprise there. The band is not easily pegged in the music industry, it's part 80's, part Dance/Trance, and I think I've said before it's like Depeche Mode and Judas Priest had a kid. So on my birthday, the lead singer/writer for the band asks me if I wouldn't mind running some lyrics with him. See, while normally he doesn't collaborate for songs, he wanted to write this sweeping love song lyric to go with this great dance music, and he just wasn't hearing his first hook. You know, that point where you know it fits the song, and then the juices start to flow. I reminded him that I'm not a song writer. Novels, screenplays, poetry, that's more my scene. And he wasn't concerned, just wanted to have someone he knew was creative that he could bounce ideas off of and see what happened.
I agreed to help and I'm so glad I did. We discovered after three hours of writing and getting about 80% of the song finished, that we are good collaborators. I was surprised that it went that quickly, and to tell the truth I think he was too. He told me they don't normally come that quickly. Once we discovered the main idea of the song, how the music felt to me, what I heard, and how he saw the characters in the song....well....the rest just seemed to come, like a mental tennis match. I'd ask him questions about what this character feels, and he'd answer me, and we'd throw words around on a page that gave those feelings. Checking the meter and flow, the literation.....the phrase 'How do we say this?" came up a lot. As I looked around his home studio, full of keyboards, bass and guitars, stacks of blank cds, and all manner of high tech studio gadgets I'd never seen before (does it all on his computer), I couldn't help but smile. I felt like a rock star. We looked to some 80's icons for inspiration on words and images, and somewhere among all the thinking we found our repeater, two actually. And changed them from a expected pop repeater to a more progressive one, a more intelligent storyline, and the song gained a life. It became more than a song, it became a mini story. Connected to an earlier song by some well hidden lyrics, but ones we hope Sweat Boys fans will spot. And maybe this idea off his, is why he wanted a writer of stories to collaborate.
I'm looking forward to seeing it live, and hearing it finished. I think we might have finished it last night if we hadn't taken that last break to let it soak in, and if he hadn't started drinking wine. While the grape makes me more free spirited it makes him sleepy. As young as he is apparently he's getting old, by 9 or so he was ready to stop for the night. I didn't mind. I know you can't rush these things, and I know if he can't finish it without me he'll call. But I'm betting he can now, unstuck and all. You know I had a friend that said I was his muse, and maybe he was not too far off. I like that idea, and I've embraced it in the past. Maybe it would help me to embrace it again. Maybe this is just what my self esteem and confidence level needed. Maybe there will be future collaborations, and I can smile when I see them on youtube singing a song I helped write. Something only the band, me and a few friends might know, well... and the liner notes. I've demanded a "Thanks Jill" on the liner notes. LOL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVsE-WVc9IA
(here is a link to the Sweat Boys in the studio)
I'm off to Harry Potter again today, and then I hope to find someone to write with. I feel very creative.
I agreed to help and I'm so glad I did. We discovered after three hours of writing and getting about 80% of the song finished, that we are good collaborators. I was surprised that it went that quickly, and to tell the truth I think he was too. He told me they don't normally come that quickly. Once we discovered the main idea of the song, how the music felt to me, what I heard, and how he saw the characters in the song....well....the rest just seemed to come, like a mental tennis match. I'd ask him questions about what this character feels, and he'd answer me, and we'd throw words around on a page that gave those feelings. Checking the meter and flow, the literation.....the phrase 'How do we say this?" came up a lot. As I looked around his home studio, full of keyboards, bass and guitars, stacks of blank cds, and all manner of high tech studio gadgets I'd never seen before (does it all on his computer), I couldn't help but smile. I felt like a rock star. We looked to some 80's icons for inspiration on words and images, and somewhere among all the thinking we found our repeater, two actually. And changed them from a expected pop repeater to a more progressive one, a more intelligent storyline, and the song gained a life. It became more than a song, it became a mini story. Connected to an earlier song by some well hidden lyrics, but ones we hope Sweat Boys fans will spot. And maybe this idea off his, is why he wanted a writer of stories to collaborate.
I'm looking forward to seeing it live, and hearing it finished. I think we might have finished it last night if we hadn't taken that last break to let it soak in, and if he hadn't started drinking wine. While the grape makes me more free spirited it makes him sleepy. As young as he is apparently he's getting old, by 9 or so he was ready to stop for the night. I didn't mind. I know you can't rush these things, and I know if he can't finish it without me he'll call. But I'm betting he can now, unstuck and all. You know I had a friend that said I was his muse, and maybe he was not too far off. I like that idea, and I've embraced it in the past. Maybe it would help me to embrace it again. Maybe this is just what my self esteem and confidence level needed. Maybe there will be future collaborations, and I can smile when I see them on youtube singing a song I helped write. Something only the band, me and a few friends might know, well... and the liner notes. I've demanded a "Thanks Jill" on the liner notes. LOL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVsE-WVc9IA
(here is a link to the Sweat Boys in the studio)
I'm off to Harry Potter again today, and then I hope to find someone to write with. I feel very creative.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Harry Potter Fan Gearing Up For The Last Installment
Five days! I've only got five days to finish them all, and I'm only on book four! I'll never make it. . .
My daughter and my god son (the first one, not the second one) are trying to re-read ALL the Harry Potter books before we see part two of the last book. Opening this Friday. Now it's sold out for, opening night, so this give us one more day. Six days! YES. We might make it.
They are on book five and I am just starting book four, and the stress level is high. We are determined.
Maybe his mom, otherwise known as Nature, will not want to go until Sunday. That would give us ONE MORE DAY. Seven! That's doable. But then we are not seeing it until Sunday. Hum...decisions, decisions.
We should have started sooner. I've been averaging a book a day, until the third one. That took two days, and they keep getting bigger.....means more reading.....less time.....
And we still need to decided what day/time we are going and get our tickets before it's sold out for the weekend.....
What am I doing wasting precious reading time blogging?!
I need to read.
And plan
And buy tickets
and read some more.
Okay....more coffee....need to stay awake, might have to read all night...
Better turn off the phone, and the computer. . . too many distractions......stay in the bedroom too, away from the television....better grab some food too. Might forget to eat.
http://www.amazon.com/Harry-Potter-Paperback-Box-Books/dp/0545162076
My daughter and my god son (the first one, not the second one) are trying to re-read ALL the Harry Potter books before we see part two of the last book. Opening this Friday. Now it's sold out for, opening night, so this give us one more day. Six days! YES. We might make it.
They are on book five and I am just starting book four, and the stress level is high. We are determined.
Maybe his mom, otherwise known as Nature, will not want to go until Sunday. That would give us ONE MORE DAY. Seven! That's doable. But then we are not seeing it until Sunday. Hum...decisions, decisions.
We should have started sooner. I've been averaging a book a day, until the third one. That took two days, and they keep getting bigger.....means more reading.....less time.....
And we still need to decided what day/time we are going and get our tickets before it's sold out for the weekend.....
What am I doing wasting precious reading time blogging?!
I need to read.
And plan
And buy tickets
and read some more.
Okay....more coffee....need to stay awake, might have to read all night...
Better turn off the phone, and the computer. . . too many distractions......stay in the bedroom too, away from the television....better grab some food too. Might forget to eat.
http://www.amazon.com/Harry-Potter-Paperback-Box-Books/dp/0545162076
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Quotes, Quotes and more Quotes
"I let myself fall in love with you. . . And I let myself let you go. . . Those were two of the best decisions I ever made."
This was the first quote that jumped off the page at me while reading Post Secret this morning, and I thought to myself, whoever wrote that gets me. I'm so very glad I met him and allowed myself to fall in love with him. I know the experience nearly destroyed our friendship but I'm glad for having had the experience. I was shown so much love, tenderness and true caring in such a few short days with him; that I believed without a doubt that he loved me and would be leaving her to be with me. It was a life changing experience. Well as it turned out it was only life changing for me. But I believe I'm a better person today for having known that brief encounter.
And I let myself let you go. . . that part is true too. Some of you know me very well, and distance means nothing to me. I've been known to pick up and move on a dime to be with someone I adore, but with him, I just couldn't do it. Something stopped me, I know you will assume it was his pending marriage,but by him having an affair with me while engaged, I already felt that relationship was over. Even if he didn't. No something in him stopped me, a dishonesty of emotion. . . something I couldn't trust and still can't. Maybe it was just the fact that if he would cheat on the woman he claimed to love and then marry, he would certainly cheat on me. And we all know I don't share well. I'm surprised I allowed myself to fall in love with a taken man. But perhaps I needed to walk a mile in those shoes.
"Everything is alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end."
I stumbled upon this quote earlier this week and it hit home with me too. I've made the right decision, hell I make it all the time. I don't always stand by it so my friends and family don't believe me, but this time I have. Almost a month now, and I'm really trying hard to not speak to him, and get over it already. It's hard but not as hard as I thought it would be. Not as hard as last year. I believe if he would have just left me alone last year I'd be over it now and we might be friends. I'm trying to save our writing, and he waits a day or two, sometimes four and then tries to talk to me, and because I am nice and am trying to save something of us, I allow it. And I think that by allowing it, he assumes everything is alright. Its unfortunate that either he doesn't believe I loved him this much, or that his feelings are so shallow that four days seems long enough to forget someone. Every time he tries to communicate with me as a friend it breaks my heart more. And I'm so bitter now I hardly have any heart left. This time last year we were still flirting so much I was sure he wouldn't go through with the marriage, but he did. And even after for a while he was very attentive. Who can do that? Marry one woman and keep another? It makes me sad to remember it all now, but I have to to remain angry and keep him away from me. You see I want to be with him, and I love him. So if I don't stay strong, I'll allow him almost anything from me, and call it 'friendship'. This is not fair to me, or his wife. And I honestly can't be the 'friend' he apparently needs. Or, I can't be the friend he wants until I'm over him. Which is probably more true, as he doesn't love me. Nor will he ever want to be with me, even if she were out of the picture. He use to say he would, but he doesn't anymore. He's completely over me. And while it tears me apart to realize he never felt what I felt, he claims what he felt was more than he had in years.....years.....
Its all very confusing to me.
So everything is not alright. Means it's not the end. I hope the end for us is me actually being able to move on and be his and her friend honestly. Its my honest hope now. I just need much more time than I think he is willing to admit to himself. I wonder why he can't face that? I wonder why he can't just leave me alone and let me go? I know he misses me, and I know he must need to be in my life or he would stop. Its flattering. I'd be very flattered if it didn't hurt so much.
I'm off to spend the rest of the 4th holiday with my best friend and her wonderfully loyal husband and their fantastic children. Camping was and has been fun. The cook out and the miles of stars, warm my heart. The children make me laugh and fill my heart with joy. And seeing my best friend still blissfully happy with the man she loved and went after, reminds my heart that if it can happen for her, it can still happen for me. Forget the times I've thrown true love away. It can still happen for me. I'm putting the bitter part of my heart and ego away, locking it up in a box, and trying to forget about him and it. Every day without him is a success. . . every day without him is a success. . . every day without him is a. . .
This was the first quote that jumped off the page at me while reading Post Secret this morning, and I thought to myself, whoever wrote that gets me. I'm so very glad I met him and allowed myself to fall in love with him. I know the experience nearly destroyed our friendship but I'm glad for having had the experience. I was shown so much love, tenderness and true caring in such a few short days with him; that I believed without a doubt that he loved me and would be leaving her to be with me. It was a life changing experience. Well as it turned out it was only life changing for me. But I believe I'm a better person today for having known that brief encounter.
And I let myself let you go. . . that part is true too. Some of you know me very well, and distance means nothing to me. I've been known to pick up and move on a dime to be with someone I adore, but with him, I just couldn't do it. Something stopped me, I know you will assume it was his pending marriage,but by him having an affair with me while engaged, I already felt that relationship was over. Even if he didn't. No something in him stopped me, a dishonesty of emotion. . . something I couldn't trust and still can't. Maybe it was just the fact that if he would cheat on the woman he claimed to love and then marry, he would certainly cheat on me. And we all know I don't share well. I'm surprised I allowed myself to fall in love with a taken man. But perhaps I needed to walk a mile in those shoes.
"Everything is alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end."
I stumbled upon this quote earlier this week and it hit home with me too. I've made the right decision, hell I make it all the time. I don't always stand by it so my friends and family don't believe me, but this time I have. Almost a month now, and I'm really trying hard to not speak to him, and get over it already. It's hard but not as hard as I thought it would be. Not as hard as last year. I believe if he would have just left me alone last year I'd be over it now and we might be friends. I'm trying to save our writing, and he waits a day or two, sometimes four and then tries to talk to me, and because I am nice and am trying to save something of us, I allow it. And I think that by allowing it, he assumes everything is alright. Its unfortunate that either he doesn't believe I loved him this much, or that his feelings are so shallow that four days seems long enough to forget someone. Every time he tries to communicate with me as a friend it breaks my heart more. And I'm so bitter now I hardly have any heart left. This time last year we were still flirting so much I was sure he wouldn't go through with the marriage, but he did. And even after for a while he was very attentive. Who can do that? Marry one woman and keep another? It makes me sad to remember it all now, but I have to to remain angry and keep him away from me. You see I want to be with him, and I love him. So if I don't stay strong, I'll allow him almost anything from me, and call it 'friendship'. This is not fair to me, or his wife. And I honestly can't be the 'friend' he apparently needs. Or, I can't be the friend he wants until I'm over him. Which is probably more true, as he doesn't love me. Nor will he ever want to be with me, even if she were out of the picture. He use to say he would, but he doesn't anymore. He's completely over me. And while it tears me apart to realize he never felt what I felt, he claims what he felt was more than he had in years.....years.....
Its all very confusing to me.
So everything is not alright. Means it's not the end. I hope the end for us is me actually being able to move on and be his and her friend honestly. Its my honest hope now. I just need much more time than I think he is willing to admit to himself. I wonder why he can't face that? I wonder why he can't just leave me alone and let me go? I know he misses me, and I know he must need to be in my life or he would stop. Its flattering. I'd be very flattered if it didn't hurt so much.
I'm off to spend the rest of the 4th holiday with my best friend and her wonderfully loyal husband and their fantastic children. Camping was and has been fun. The cook out and the miles of stars, warm my heart. The children make me laugh and fill my heart with joy. And seeing my best friend still blissfully happy with the man she loved and went after, reminds my heart that if it can happen for her, it can still happen for me. Forget the times I've thrown true love away. It can still happen for me. I'm putting the bitter part of my heart and ego away, locking it up in a box, and trying to forget about him and it. Every day without him is a success. . . every day without him is a success. . . every day without him is a. . .
Sunday, June 26, 2011
The Jimmy Buffett Experience
So that happened. Another thing I can check off my list of things I've never done. And this one is two fold. One was to experience the concert tailgate, the other is to see Jimmy Buffett. I know it's hard to believe at 48 years old that I've never done a tailgate. Its not that I don't listen to bands with that kind of loyal following, its just that I've never been associated with friends that want to tailgate. But this time is different. I have a friend who had an extra ticket to Jimmy Buffett and asked me to go with her, and I said yes. Mostly for the experience. I have to admit that prior to the concert I was not what you could call fan. I only remembered one song, the Margaritaville one. Oh and the Cheeseburger in Paradise one. . .oh and that one about Monday morning, you know the love song, Come Monday, and the one about the Volcano. . and well you get the idea. Turns out that even people that aren't admit they are true Jimmy Buffett fans know some Jimmy songs. So while I was the virgin on this tailgate, and my name badge proudly proclaimed me as "The Woman To Blame", I threw myself into my first concert tailgate.
And let me tell you, it was not as wild as I was afraid it might be, which is frankly fine with me. Don't get me wrong there were wild ones out there. It did have its moments of good old fashioned lets get the girls drunk and have them play games like: Show us your tits or kiss a woman Plinko, and there was a nice group of men who had a shower you could use if you felt the tailgate grime, of course it was a topless shower. And while I smiled at 'boys being boys', and looked on with the rest, you'll be happy to know I did not join in. Absolutely not my style, while I have low self esteem, I do not have attention or daddy issues. That is private fun, and I'm afraid you have to earn that with me. Other than the drunk people, who are very entertaining to watch, there were a lot of just great people. Most in costumes ranging from grass skirts and Hawaiian shirts, to full garbed Pirates and their first mates. Some groups even had matching t-shirts with sexy and 'punny' nick names on the back. Even the cars were decked out with shark fins and painted windows proclaiming their 'Buffett Bound' or Fin status (Fins to the left!) Grilling with my tailgate group of about 5 or 6 cars, and hanging with the Pat-Heads or Parrot-Heads as they were that day, was very good fun. We played games, and drank more than normal. It was an overcast day, and even with sunscreen I'm still red on my face, should have kept my straw hat on. oh well.
The concert itself was a great show. He's an old music biz legend, and has the money to put on a good show. lots of pretty lights and four big screens at Alpine Valley, which he took advantage of. No lasers or fireworks or big rock star special effects, but it none of that would have felt right either. With the 30, 000 people in attendance he somehow managed to make it intimate. Not an easy accomplishment, but one he managed to pull off as easily as you and I do breathing. I know he couldn't see me. up on the 7th party deck, stage right of the huge seating arena, and beside the famous sloping field that is Alpine Valley. But it didn't matter, if felt like he was telling me every story before every song, and singing every song right to me. . . The Woman To Blame. I sang along where I could, danced to the island beat (my favorite part and my legs hate me), and drank and thought of the ones that got away, the life mistakes I've made and WWJD or "What Would Jimmy Do"
And the answer? Well, I need a boat, and an island, and tequila to really show you, and like Jimmy I feel like a pirate born 200 years too late, and that there is always a woman to blame, and a cheeseburger in paradise would go down really good right now. And I know come Monday everything's alright, but I still want you back by my side.
And let me tell you, it was not as wild as I was afraid it might be, which is frankly fine with me. Don't get me wrong there were wild ones out there. It did have its moments of good old fashioned lets get the girls drunk and have them play games like: Show us your tits or kiss a woman Plinko, and there was a nice group of men who had a shower you could use if you felt the tailgate grime, of course it was a topless shower. And while I smiled at 'boys being boys', and looked on with the rest, you'll be happy to know I did not join in. Absolutely not my style, while I have low self esteem, I do not have attention or daddy issues. That is private fun, and I'm afraid you have to earn that with me. Other than the drunk people, who are very entertaining to watch, there were a lot of just great people. Most in costumes ranging from grass skirts and Hawaiian shirts, to full garbed Pirates and their first mates. Some groups even had matching t-shirts with sexy and 'punny' nick names on the back. Even the cars were decked out with shark fins and painted windows proclaiming their 'Buffett Bound' or Fin status (Fins to the left!) Grilling with my tailgate group of about 5 or 6 cars, and hanging with the Pat-Heads or Parrot-Heads as they were that day, was very good fun. We played games, and drank more than normal. It was an overcast day, and even with sunscreen I'm still red on my face, should have kept my straw hat on. oh well.
The concert itself was a great show. He's an old music biz legend, and has the money to put on a good show. lots of pretty lights and four big screens at Alpine Valley, which he took advantage of. No lasers or fireworks or big rock star special effects, but it none of that would have felt right either. With the 30, 000 people in attendance he somehow managed to make it intimate. Not an easy accomplishment, but one he managed to pull off as easily as you and I do breathing. I know he couldn't see me. up on the 7th party deck, stage right of the huge seating arena, and beside the famous sloping field that is Alpine Valley. But it didn't matter, if felt like he was telling me every story before every song, and singing every song right to me. . . The Woman To Blame. I sang along where I could, danced to the island beat (my favorite part and my legs hate me), and drank and thought of the ones that got away, the life mistakes I've made and WWJD or "What Would Jimmy Do"
And the answer? Well, I need a boat, and an island, and tequila to really show you, and like Jimmy I feel like a pirate born 200 years too late, and that there is always a woman to blame, and a cheeseburger in paradise would go down really good right now. And I know come Monday everything's alright, but I still want you back by my side.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Fate Has Bad Timing
"Fate controls who walks into your life. You decide who you let walk out, who you let stay and who you refuse to let go."
Have you ever wondered why? Why Fate chose to have THAT person walk into your life? Maybe even screamed aloud in frustration to the roof, "WHY NOW?"
Have you ever wondered why? When you think you finally have it all worked out, that is when someone walks into your life that spins your whole world out of control, and makes you rethink EVERYTHING you thought was truth, or even everyone that you thought made you happy?
Have you ever wondered why? That person that Fate wove into your life thread, was suddenly woven out or cut off?
I've read all the sappy poems about how some people are suppose to be in your life for a season.....I hate those poems. That doesn't give me comfort at all. It just makes me more bitter. What if I want that person for a lifetime, not a season? What if I'm sure that connections like that don't just fall out of the sky into my lap everyday? What if I'm sure that this is some tragic mistake, some awful waking nightmare, and no matter how hard I try I can't wake up? How do you get over someone you can't stop thinking about? He's like a program running constantly in the background of my mind,(he said that about me once) and when it's quite like now, he is in the foreground. How could I have been so wrong about his feelings, when for a lifetime, my impressions and intuitions have been dead on in the area of feelings and emotions?
I'll tell you how. Fate has bad timing, and a is a cold heartless bitch with her sense of humor. This is not funny, and this is not teaching me anything. What was it I promised myself last year? Oh yes, when being with him was more painful than being without him, I'd stop. I wonder if stopping will make me happier in time? I wonder if I'll miss him more and more each day like every other time I've tried to leave him, or if this time he will just fade away like so many others that hardly ever cross my mind. I can't believe that I, the woman that always was so strong and committed, the one that always saw what she wanted and went for it, and got it, is giving up. Is walking away. Is admitting defeat by a man that is so afraid of experiencing his feelings, he vows to never be that dependent on another human again. I really hate the woman that broke his heart, she broke him, and he doesn't even see it. He thinks he's strong now, and in reality the only thing he learned, is how not to feel. My proof of this is that he told me last year that I awoke feelings in him he thought were dead. Remember readers he was engaged at the time. Proves that true stubbornness trumps true desire every time. And releasing yourself to true love and emotions knowing you might get hurt is real strength. And I have that in spades.
As the 'Finance To The Daughter I Never Had' said to me last year, "Its a good thing that your heart is broken and you can really feel all of this, it means you can still feel." Thank you, you were right. Is leaving him the secret to getting back to myself? I think it might be, but I'm so afraid to do it. Afraid for my heart, mind and my novel. This one and future ones. We really are such a good team when writing. I think that once I finish this novel I'm on, this character study of these two lovers, will make a wonderfully frustrating book. I just can't write it until I know the end. And I won't know the end until I'm strong enough to make an ending happen, one way or the other.
(DISCLAIMER: I wrote all of that on Tuesday, and for five days I have not tried to contact him. He has e-mailed me his newest chapter and yesterday caught me on line to ask how I was. And it has been easier and better not talking to him. While talking to him yesterday did not make me sad, it also did not make me want him. I was already heartbroken because my children decided to tell me that I have the exact same deficiencies that my last boss did. So this means I'm a failure with all my personal relationships, professional and personal. Where my self esteem was low before, now it's at rock bottom. However talking to him yesterday did make me feel good, and in the exact way a friend should. I did feel better with his honest opinion and his faith in me that I will sort it all out in time. He also confirmed that he did want to be my friend and would give me the time I needed. This felt like a relief rather than an additional heartbreak, for I do want him in my life, but not dishonestly. Not with a hidden agenda or worse with a pathetic hope he will divorce his wife. This is good progress, and I believe I am on the right track. Limited communication might be okay if it's about out novels, and of course important news friend to friend. But no more endless hours of just waiting for each other to have a minute to say something, no more every morning and every evening having to say hello and good night. I'm not allowing him to do that anymore, nor am i allowing myself to be there.
The journey continues and I've got a rather sharp, rocky incline blocking my way, but I'm up to the task. Wish me luck.
Have you ever wondered why? Why Fate chose to have THAT person walk into your life? Maybe even screamed aloud in frustration to the roof, "WHY NOW?"
Have you ever wondered why? When you think you finally have it all worked out, that is when someone walks into your life that spins your whole world out of control, and makes you rethink EVERYTHING you thought was truth, or even everyone that you thought made you happy?
Have you ever wondered why? That person that Fate wove into your life thread, was suddenly woven out or cut off?
I've read all the sappy poems about how some people are suppose to be in your life for a season.....I hate those poems. That doesn't give me comfort at all. It just makes me more bitter. What if I want that person for a lifetime, not a season? What if I'm sure that connections like that don't just fall out of the sky into my lap everyday? What if I'm sure that this is some tragic mistake, some awful waking nightmare, and no matter how hard I try I can't wake up? How do you get over someone you can't stop thinking about? He's like a program running constantly in the background of my mind,(he said that about me once) and when it's quite like now, he is in the foreground. How could I have been so wrong about his feelings, when for a lifetime, my impressions and intuitions have been dead on in the area of feelings and emotions?
I'll tell you how. Fate has bad timing, and a is a cold heartless bitch with her sense of humor. This is not funny, and this is not teaching me anything. What was it I promised myself last year? Oh yes, when being with him was more painful than being without him, I'd stop. I wonder if stopping will make me happier in time? I wonder if I'll miss him more and more each day like every other time I've tried to leave him, or if this time he will just fade away like so many others that hardly ever cross my mind. I can't believe that I, the woman that always was so strong and committed, the one that always saw what she wanted and went for it, and got it, is giving up. Is walking away. Is admitting defeat by a man that is so afraid of experiencing his feelings, he vows to never be that dependent on another human again. I really hate the woman that broke his heart, she broke him, and he doesn't even see it. He thinks he's strong now, and in reality the only thing he learned, is how not to feel. My proof of this is that he told me last year that I awoke feelings in him he thought were dead. Remember readers he was engaged at the time. Proves that true stubbornness trumps true desire every time. And releasing yourself to true love and emotions knowing you might get hurt is real strength. And I have that in spades.
As the 'Finance To The Daughter I Never Had' said to me last year, "Its a good thing that your heart is broken and you can really feel all of this, it means you can still feel." Thank you, you were right. Is leaving him the secret to getting back to myself? I think it might be, but I'm so afraid to do it. Afraid for my heart, mind and my novel. This one and future ones. We really are such a good team when writing. I think that once I finish this novel I'm on, this character study of these two lovers, will make a wonderfully frustrating book. I just can't write it until I know the end. And I won't know the end until I'm strong enough to make an ending happen, one way or the other.
(DISCLAIMER: I wrote all of that on Tuesday, and for five days I have not tried to contact him. He has e-mailed me his newest chapter and yesterday caught me on line to ask how I was. And it has been easier and better not talking to him. While talking to him yesterday did not make me sad, it also did not make me want him. I was already heartbroken because my children decided to tell me that I have the exact same deficiencies that my last boss did. So this means I'm a failure with all my personal relationships, professional and personal. Where my self esteem was low before, now it's at rock bottom. However talking to him yesterday did make me feel good, and in the exact way a friend should. I did feel better with his honest opinion and his faith in me that I will sort it all out in time. He also confirmed that he did want to be my friend and would give me the time I needed. This felt like a relief rather than an additional heartbreak, for I do want him in my life, but not dishonestly. Not with a hidden agenda or worse with a pathetic hope he will divorce his wife. This is good progress, and I believe I am on the right track. Limited communication might be okay if it's about out novels, and of course important news friend to friend. But no more endless hours of just waiting for each other to have a minute to say something, no more every morning and every evening having to say hello and good night. I'm not allowing him to do that anymore, nor am i allowing myself to be there.
The journey continues and I've got a rather sharp, rocky incline blocking my way, but I'm up to the task. Wish me luck.
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