Second Chances

Yesterday I had one of the best days of my life, all due to a dream. A dream I had that was a warning, that I believed saved my life. And changed my intellectual attitude about "Life is short and live every day to the fullest" to a REAL EMOTIONAL attitude.

I'll share the dream and then what happened so you can see the similarities:
I was on my way to work, at night, and it was raining. I parked on the second floor of the parking ramp and when I got out of my car a ZOMBIE was there and it started to come after me, so I out ran it down the stairs and looked both ways to cross the street. I opened my umbrella, and I saw a semi truck come barreling around the corner and I stepped out in front of it and committed suicide. . .then I woke up.

I thought to myself, that was strange...I don't dream of monsters and I am NOT suicidal. So I looked up the imagery,(in my favorite website for this: ) zombie, suicide, semi truck, umbrella, rain and night and it all fit completely with what I'm feeling in my personal life.

And then I went to work
And it was dark
And it was raining, and I thought, that's a little eerie, after the dream, and my spider sense gave me a nudge. . .
I parked on the first floor of the ramp. . . not because I believed there was a zombie on two but because I found a close spot. Then I got out of my car opened my umbrella and started to walk across the street.
As I was getting to the middle/other side of the street the SAME SEMI I DREAMED ABOUT came barreling around the corner and barely was able to slow down due to the wet streets, I looked into the headlights for a split second before moving quickly to the curb and safety as it sped down the street.
I took a deep breath and thanked my lucky stars that I remembered the dream.

Too many similarities for me not to believe that I was warned. I've had dreams before that came true, years later. I've had gut feelings that I couldn't place why someone or something was not quite right and minutes or hours later something bad happened. BUT I'VE NEVER had a dream this vivid, that I remembered and then had the incident happen right afterward. I think my spider sense is getting better and more accurate with age......hum....perhaps I am turning into the wizened sage...

... or perhaps I need Yoda to teach me control....

Cheers

The Good Samaritan

Another weekend of fun! I'm so strapped for cash but I have the best friends out there. One such friend offered to lend me money, for food, which i flat out refused. I'd like to keep him as a friend, and I firmly believe that lending money between friends is the best way to lose them. I did suggest that if he wanted to take me out to eat I'd do that. Since we both have to eat and all, and of course that is exactly what happened on Friday night. Only he didn't stop there. Last night he brought over two bottles of wine and two pizzas much larger than the three of us would need to eat and movies, with the excuse of 'hanging out'. Now we've got lunches all week in left overs.
I guess real friends find a way to help you even if you don't ask for it, and don't act like you need it.

thanks to the other friends that asked me out to Brat Pack Radio, and Yesterdays last night. Would have loved to have joined you too, but alas no money.

For those of you that follow me on facebook and expected this to be all about the big "blow up" on the 5th of November, well, I'm sorry to disappoint you. But actually I'm relieved that he's gone since he can't give me what I need from our relationship. I'm sad that he's unable to see that he has done this by his choices to make me more than a friend, and then marry her anyway without really thinking things through, and spending time with me to see. I'm also sorry that the friendship has to be on hold until I can 'be at peace' with us, as he says he is.

I'm SO NOT at peace with 'us'. I can't just turn it off or bury it like he can, and has, as a survival technique to be married to one woman while in love with another. Can you even BE in love with two people at the same time? I mean THAT in love? He says he is. I don't buy it.

Any comments out there?
I know I could use some.

And don't worry. I'm fine. Had a great time so far this weekend. Looking forward to writing today. . . will be interesting to see if I can do it without him. I know I can, it just will be strange when I'm blocked not to be able to run it by him.
Cheers.

Get Up And DO Something!

Okay, so I'm in a good mood. Sue me! But it is mostly due to my friends who care about me and want me to be happy again. And with everything that has happened so far this year, I know a normal person would not be. But I am. And I can't stop smiling because I know how blessed I am to have sincere love all around me. In so many forms and from so many.

I got myself all dressed up and found my 'slutty pumpkin' and went out with Larry The Cable Guy, and DID something. Saw the comic classic rock stylings of Pat McCurdy Just had a blast singing at the top of my lungs, songs so funny and original, and with fans that welcomed me as a virgin to the show. (Got two songs sang to me last night. guess I'm not a virgin anymore!) And ran into one old friend, French Maid, I hadn't seen in 10 years, and met some great new people who I hope to get to know better.

Then downtown and ran into a couple of my girlfriends. (YO! Phoenix and Snow White) AND Zerro and my favorite Roller Girl AngHella. My long lost little brother, (not so lost) who sitting with at DAZE had us both looking around for the rest of that group....who were not there, and missed. AND literally on my way home, ran into Dead Bicyclist and *Hot Cab Driver.

What a great night. Lots of Heart to Heart talking, TONS of SINGING and a little drinking. I've never had a bucket of beer before....was awesome! (before you go ewww...it's a bucket with 5 bottles of beer and ice in it. great....one trip shopping...just my style)

My mind drifts to the one person that I wish I could have shared it all (and more) with. . . happily drifts. . .and dreams.

Think ill try to write now. . .


*Where was Pat McCurdy then....he'd been looking for Hot Cab driver earlier...oh well

The Best Noise In The World Is . . . .

. . . The laughter of children

I have missed that in my home. The laughter of small children and the wonder that they see in everything that you show them. Over the last four days I was reminded of that by my 'grandson' Timmy (in quotes because he's not mine by blood, but as long as he will let me claim him I will)

Timmy is three. And three is a fun age. Fun because it's not two. And fun because it's closer to four. Three is the age where they really start to test their parents resolve. Some succeed in this test, some fail. Kids are a great window into the way we allow ourselves to be treated. And I believe the best parents make sure that their children are respectful. Its an on going job for many years, but eventually it does sink in. If you are consistent and don't give in. Thats the real test and trick. Not sending mixed messages.

Mixed messages are a bane in my life, as an adult. I feel like my life right now is full of mixed messages, and exceptions. . . double standards, if you will. Rules I held dear, the lines have blurred, and while a huge part of me is empowered by this, another part of me is getting lost. And I'm not sure I like that. I don't like losing myself in anything or anyone so completely.

And if I felt like I was winning, actually having the relationship I know I deserve, then I know I wouldn't feel like this at all. That this is all because I have and am lost. Lost in a fantasy that will never come true. Lost without him.

Am I waking up? When I do, I think this is really going to hurt. And maybe that's why I can't wake up. Maybe thats the real reason I won't wake up. I really am only afraid of pain.

. . . I think maybe I need a wake up call. I think maybe I need to escape. Anyone want to take a boat trip to a deserted island?

Think About What You Could Do.....

If you are like me you have quite a few things in your mind that you feel strongly about, one way or the other. Weather its political,or religious, or sexual choices, or even when the three tend to blur into one as with the pro-life/pro-choice movement. (Don't get me started on this one, there is a group in our city that stands by one hospital and a certain church with signs....they even have the audacity to have their many children holding up signs, children too young to know what they are siding with or even to have made the choice yet.....)

But like I said, don't get me started. These people that stand on the corner holding their signs of an idea, no matter how wrong the idea may be, still have the right idea.

Think about it. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people...what would YOUR message be?

Its not as easy a question as it appears to be, on the surface. I think because I am an atheist mine would be about religion, because I still feel more longterm damage, historically, and now, has been and will be done, for the 'love of god'. I think my message would be: "Forget what or who you BELIEVE in, and know this: It's all about LOVE. PERIOD."

What's your message?

What makes you smile?

Think about this one. It's tougher than you think. What makes you smile? What sends shivers up and down your spine? What makes your dull day spark with anticipation or immediately look up? What makes you feel like you can do anything?

Is it a thing? Then keep it close to you at all times.
Is it an activity? Then do that EVERY day.
Is it a person? Then never let go of them. . .ever.

What is it that you do, or the person that you spend time with that makes you lose track of all time? That thing is what you are suppose to be doing with your life. That person is your best friend. . .or more depending on your heart. You should listen to your heart. It's the difference between LIVING and EXISTING.

If you could do it all over again, would you change anything?
If you would and you have the power to do so, not acting on that knowledge is tragic, for time is fickle and will move you, without you even knowing it, to a point where all of a sudden you have no power to change it.

Forget about the past, act in the present, to make the future you want happen. It's all up to you. No one else.

Cheers!

Time flies or drags

Ever notice how when you are really happy, and blissful the time just flies by and all of a sudden that wonderful event, reunion, or vacation is over. And when you are depressed, alone and lonely, time drags.

Is that because we are too focused on ourselves when we are depressed, too inward, maybe thinking too much? And when we are with others having fun, we are focused on the others and, well the fun?!

It should be the other way around. Time should fly by when we are alone and feeling down, and wonderfully drag lazily by as we enjoy our loved ones company.

off to enjoy my loved ones company. cheers